Let us embrace abnormality!

Looking at my last photograph before quarantine put me into shock, because it unexpectedly crashed over me as a tidal wave of overwhelming emotion. Prior to scrolling to the exact photograph in my gallery my confidence was incredibly high. Normal is a word that will never mean the same exact thing to any two people. This is an angle I can work with! Unsure normal and I have ever had a long-term relationship. This caused me great excitement! Believing any photograph would be an easy explanation. The real challenge would be putting a twist into my writing style to show my personality. For me it is always my favorite part of writing, and it keeps my readers interested in staying engaged reading the story.

My friends are constantly telling me I am the most lucky, unlucky person. Assuming this challenge would be easy for me, and I could have fun with my "normalcy." That was pure ignorance. This challenge has not been easy for me. It has taken me on an intense emotional roller coaster ride.

I chose to use the image from the Unsplash collection as a cover photo, because I feel it reflects my inner chaos, and conflicting confusion. Not just with me, I felt everyone may relate in some fashion. Living though a pandemic is hard on every person. We are living through history. The image gives me an energy that reflects not just my emotions, but the entire world in its fear. You can see this look in every face you pass by and, in every confused child's eyes. It is all around us, and our minds are racing to try comprehend what is happening now. Overwhelming thoughts of what will happen next? Trying to prepare ourselves because the normal we all knew a few months ago is now gone forever. Worried about generations to come, the economy, and several things completely out of our hands.

Unseen to our eye's at this time we have all changed. No matter what is to happen if we were to return to the old normalcy nobody would be satisfied. Nobody is the same person they were before this.

Below is the last picture I took before quarantine. The flashback of the most happiness and the most pain, all in one.

A few years ago our normal changed dramatically, and it would never return to that same normalcy. Faced with making the hardest decision that life could ever present to me. It broke my heart and spirit. This is my most vulnerable subject, and now this Flashback was a totally different element for me. The reason being at the time in our lives my son's best interest, did not reflect any single thing I stood for or wanted. The decision I had to chose would keep us temporarily residing in different residences. The most selfless thing in life I have done.

In this picture we were cuddling, and I was trying to get him to take a cute selfie with me. Unfortunately, he has my exact personality. It is more fun to cause some trouble being a punk, as long as laughter comes from it.

He is well aware I do not tolerate chewing with an open mouth. I especially have no tolerance for anyone showing others the food they just chewed. That behavior is absolutely distasteful, and we are not baby birds. For reasons unknown to me at that time, I had no interest in disciplining him. I just wanted to enjoy the moment.

I am so thankful I did choose to enjoy that moment. We had just begun to adjust to our new normal, we had lived just he and I his whole life. Being a child he doesn't yet understand why, and the adjustment was very hard. Now our normalcy would change again, because that day would be the last day we would see each other for three months.

It amazes me how we live all these small moments everyday, but we rarely appreciate them. I absolutely took them for granted prior to the pandemic.

Not being able to see my son has been the only part of this quarantine to deeply hurt and change me. My happiness was crushed, and I felt like a complete failure. Not only could I not do my job as his Mother and keep him safe. I would now be missing more time watching my son grow, and watching him discover himself. The worst part of all of this was not my own emotions, but every bit of my son's normalcy was ripped away from him overnight. Imagine you wake up one day and the adults tell you that, because of a virus until further notice you will not leave the house. Then continue to tell you there will not be any sports, you won't be going to school, and you cannot see any of your friends or family. All that aside he was never told he could not see me. All his normalcy with his Mother was now being stripped from him again. Wondering why you aren't good enough for Mommy to come see you. Both of us missing the chance to build memories and share those special small moments.

This made me feel so cantankerous, at the time. I had to keep reminding myself my hands were tied until state establishments opened back up.

Luckily a week before this unfortunate event, I had reconnected with an old friend. So before I had the chance to hit a dark space inside my head, he kept asking to hang out. My mind is still completely blown with the synchrony of each event falling right into the time frames I needed them to. I had no clue how much this friend would return hope to my very shattered heart.

My rekindled friendship kept me very busy, and that was perfect to keep my mind off of things.

When I look at my flashback photo of my son and I before the quarantine, I smile. You cannot feel love without feeling pain. I have grown stronger and I have pushed my limits above and beyond.

My son doesn't understand why any of this is happening but he continues to push on. Continues to work hard, practice karate, and all of his other activities on his own. He is maintaining his normalcy the best he can, and much better than most adults. He makes me so proud, and he is my superhero. I might be his Mother but I learn new things from him everyday.

Instead of disappointment or sadness of this lock down, I am thankful for the lessons learned. Not just with my son, but as a whole. I have become more adaptable and understanding. Most of all I have the ability to drop my personal opinion, and sacrifice my own happiness for the people I care for. Prior to lock down it was my way or the highway.

Finally, after three long months I was able to spend time with my son.

Normalcy is tantamount to insanity. Everything is constantly changing and moving. No situation should keep you down for too long. There is no reason to continue looking back either, because clearly that normal wasn't working out.

When I flashback to how my life was before the lock down, my normalcy was chaos. Come to think of it, normalcy was never a desire of mine.

No matter what happens or what you consider normal now, it will not be your normalcy later.