Let go of expectations

Right around the time I was in middle school, when my friends' presence and opinions trumped those of others in my life, birthdays started to represent more than just a day, and I might get all the things my parents refused to buy me for the rest of the year.

A birthday suddenly became a day that I expected to be filled with love and adoration, a day when my existence in this world could actually be validated.

Yes, friends and family can pour out love to me any day of the other 364 days of the year, but if they don't do it on that day, it means they don't care.

It's a big expectation for so many people in such a short period of time, and I can say that many of my birthdays have been spent in tears over phone calls I didn't get or cards I didn't get.

Age certainly helped lower my lofty expectations, but they never completely disappeared.

A few years ago, I was living in a small desert town in California, miles away from any decent restaurant and with no place to spend a birthday. From the moment I opened my eyes, I was disappointed with the day.

My well-meaning boyfriend - who has always insisted that we don't value his own birthday - let me decide whether we would drive more than 60 miles to eat out that night or cook dinner at home.

I decided to choose the latter, blaming distance with heavy sighs and sullen demeanour. He went to work to prepare my favorite meal and spent a lot of time slicing and frying potatoes, which are better than any restaurant. He even opened a bottle of wine we had prepared for a special occasion.

However, all I could think about was us, without our friends and family, without any pomp and circumstance in my 23rd year.

The heavy baggage of expectations that I had carried around for years gave me tunnel vision and robbed me of the simple joy and undeniable love that existed in that moment.

If I hadn't approached the day with a preconceived notion, I would have nothing to compare it to, and I could have fully understood how things turned out.

That makes expectations tricky. Most of the time -- unless we can miraculously formulate expectations that match reality -- they leave a lack of aftertaste, no matter how rich the present moment actually is.

If we let expectations determine how happy we are in a situation, then we have little chance of being satisfied.

I do know that there are expectations that guide me in my life -- my expectations of how others will treat me, and my expectations of what I can do best for myself -- my abilities.

It is the expectation to find validation and happiness in external events and circumstances that are not good for me - expectations that lead me to search for meaning anywhere outside myself.

I see birthdays very differently today - they are moments of internal reflection, of my own personal end and beginning. Instead of counting the number of birthday messages I received, I focused on celebrating where I'd been and where I'd be going next year.

Here are five tips to help you accept reality and let go of your expectations, wherever they tend to cluster.

Tip #1 -- Practice gratitude

Gratitude has a way of waking up our present moment in the most positive way possible, and, if you're thinking about what exists, there's less room to think about what doesn't exist.

If you find yourself reflecting on unmet expectations, redirect your energy toward identifying all the things (large and small) that are good for the situation or circumstances.

Tip #2 -- Be open to possibilities

In fact, if things always happened the way we wanted or expected, then life would be completely predictable and not at all exciting. The possibilities are endless, but if we refuse to let life unfold as it is meant to, we tend to portray unexpected events in a negative light.

To let go. Holding on to expectations goes against the flow of life and can make your reality unbearable when you don't need to.

Tip #3 -- Laugh it off

When I was young, a day trip I took with my family on vacation in Italy turned into a disaster when my parents decided we should park a rental car and take the subway to "really experience the culture."

After our train was delayed and then cancelled, what should have taken an hour ended up taking almost five hours, and we were sent to another station only to find we had to take a bus to our final destination.

We were looking forward to a magical day walking the streets of Florence, but we ended up creating a lively memory that we still share at family gatherings. Our expectations were disappointed, but the laughter made it a strangely pleasant experience.

Tip #4 -- Communicate expectations

I believe that one of the biggest culprits of not living up to expectations is putting pressure on others to do something or behave in a certain way without their knowledge.

We assign meaning to things that other people may not know we find meaningful, and test them against what they do or don't do. Basically, we set them up for failure and base our own satisfaction on whether or not they meet our expectations.

So if you need or want something, let someone else know. This would do wonders in preventing the pain of unmet expectations.

Tip #5 -- Daily celebrations

Many times, we attach great importance to holidays and birthdays because we think of them as one of the few days of the year when we can really enjoy ourselves. Then, when they don't go as planned, we feel as if we have to wait for another special occasion to have fun again.

In fact, if we turn more events into celebrations and allow ourselves to have fun on a regular basis, there will be less pressure to meet our expectations on these particular days.

Relax and celebrate the simple fact that you're still alive. Spontaneity makes expectations almost impossible to form.