Left Behind

Recently, I had a relationship with an ex after two years of being apart. Even thought I dated on and off, I didn't meet the right person who could accepted me with my weakness, flaws and a few strengths because I didn't see anyone who could fill those shoes. Dating online wasn't good, where everyone wants to chat and always say "I'm not looking for anything serious" means non-commitment situationship and that I really don't want to be ended up with. Thinking about the good days with this ex, means going to the park to picnic, going to the shooting range, going to dining, and being intimate. It was a sort of puppy mature love that makes my life full of hope and expectation that someday this guy is going to marry me after he proposed to me in front of my now late stepdad.

But it all changed when this person betrayed my trust, my confidence, my self-esteem and my expectations when he got arrested, got slammed with a charge that was worse than killing someone and to put icing on the cake; he had a double life. He was living with his fiancée of 4 years and have a kid at the time with another woman. I remember the tears, the anger, the humiliation, of being from a fiancée to basically a side chick. And I thought my life was over because dating is going to be difficult for me because of my age and because I have a lot of baggage as a result that I have been burned a lot in relationships. I only wanted to get married and have a family but instead I was on ground zero picking up the pieces.

And so I started to put myself back up the way I could, by going to counseling, by going to support groups, by going out to different places (pre-covid), going to free music festivals and even my favorite destinations. But the emptiness is there, the lack of communicating with someone is there. The disconnection is real and is harassing the living hell out of me! When all I feel is a invisible barrier that it makes me impossible to have a proper conversation or attraction towards other people. There were days that I just slipped and cry and wallow in my own self-pity. There were days that I could do anything positive that makes me happy. But nonetheless, I needed company.

But last year, it was brutal. My stepdad passed away and I have to travel overseas and I was the only one who don't have kids, don't have a husband. Where everyone has a kid or a husband or a boyfriend. And my confidence and my identity went in question after coming back to the States. Then Covid hits and it was horrible. Even thought I was safe financially, my routine was changed to go to work, and later go back home for at least two months. Then, I decided to go back to dating. But instead, I got ghosted even before meeting me. And that was twice. And another one that top it off, scheduling a dating at a Mexican Restaurant to then after I got out of my job, sped up to go home, took a shower and got prep and ready, receiving a text that it was cancelled. I was furious! And instead, I went to Applebees and "enjoy" my own company to then going to Walmart and buy another Wonder Woman shirt.

And don't forget about car problems by November! It was a nightmare! When the first mechanic, charged me for two things that I didn't want fixed, instead of fixing the problem, I used up all my savings from my vacation, to find another mechanic to actually fix it. I was in shambles. No support, no one, not even a word of hope or something. At least, a group helped me paying the rest to the second mechanic, because otherwise, I would be much, much worse.

And after I thought this is going to be basically the end of it all, another thing I didn't expected to happen. Did happen. The ex appeared. And he was completely changed, or so I thought. When he found me on Twitch and expressing that he was sorry for what he's done. And wanted to make amends, I was like yes, I forgive this person because I still have feelings for him.

To make this story short, I gave him another chance. And it was awesome from the beginning. The texts, seeing each other. And other things. Going to church. Going to dining and even going for the lightning of Christmas in my town. It was like nothing happened in our lives. And he was looking for me, not the other way around. I thought it was a dream. Reality? You want to go to the real part?

Well, he decided to stay at my apartment. And that's when Covid hit when I got it and I have to isolate. He instead, he helped me even thought he got it too. If it wasn't for him, I would be a lot more stress and afraid than ever and I was grateful. But after Covid, I see these red flags that slowly threw me off.

He wasn't intimate like he used to.

He was staying at my apartment to play videogames and sleep on the floor.

He didn't have the initiative to find a job. Even thought he got a job at a manufacturing place, he left in 6 days because of his flat feet. Well, my stepdad has it and he was working for 36 something years and didn't complain. He could get a job sitting down. But the truth of the matter was that he didn't even want to apply at a fast food place either because he have to pay child support and all the check goes to their kids.

And his secret texts from his other phone. That's his baby momma. And then he guilted me on being jealous. I'm sorry but when I want to have a quality time with someone, it is with someone, not being interrupted at the last minute with someone that actually don't know and don't care to know. And I tried to be understanding.

To top it off, change of plans. When we reconnected, he was pleading to marry me. By January, it all changed when he told me he wasn't thinking about marriage. That felt like hitting myself against the wall.

Another one, priorities. When you love someone, you sacrifice yourself to be with this person. You do a lot of things to prove this person you care and want the best to them. I gave him my all. I bought him clothes, shoes, (because he didn't have a lot), even work items, took him out to dinner and even spent 50 bucks on a Japanese Restaurant. What he did it in return? He brought a Galaxy Watch for himself after he was asking me what type of watch do you want to have. Instead, I bought a Chromebook to make a point. His excuse? I didn't have "enough" money to buy both watches. I was mad as hell.

Sounded like a scene from Acrimony, right?

Now, how it ends?

It happened last week. I decided to help him getting a job at a calling center. Using my laptop, I showed him a local place for him to apply. And immediately started to make excuse after another one such as:

Him: I have to use a computer for this.

Me: I have three!

Him: It has to be the right connection and pc to go on the internet. It is a work from home.

Me: It is ON SITE! And I use Fiber on the internet.

It was a back and forth that my mind was telling me, "he's just mooching out of you, sweetie!" Add two and two together, the lack of intimacy, change of plans, making excuses and sleeping on the floor by day and playing videogames by night while I was working my ass off, preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner. Full meals, wholesome meals. Cleaning up his laundry. And all he said was I don't want to work at a calling center, not a fast food. I was a little bit ticked off.

I said with a calm voice: "I don't want to have a second job to pay the electricity bill."

Him: You make me stressed!

Really?

He didn't say a word after that, and he just started to get his things in his backpack and the new clothes and the pair of shoes I bought and slowly but surely placed his stuff in his truck. As I come to realize that he was there for the warm place, the electricity and the internet and the meals. He wasn't for me. It was just a ruse. Because otherwise, he would make an effort to get back from his sorry butt and get a job in order to provide for me and to improve himself. He placed the keys on the table. My last words, "Boy, Bye!"

And do you think it hurt? Yes, it did! Because I thought he had the best intentions and once again give the benefit of the doubt and it was worse! I felt humiliated, with my self-esteem and confidence on the floor once again. But this time, I didn't cry for him. Right now, I'm mourning of my future that I have to face and I have to get used to it, even if I don't want to wake up to deal with yet another nightmare that is being single, not taken. Lesson learned, never go back to an ex. It will never end well, and it will never end in happily ever after. For this, it will take years to trust someone.