Leaving

There have been findings that determine that the brain cannot tell the difference between mental and physical pain. When people feel emotional pain, the brain's equivalent areas become stimulated as when people perceive physical pain. So seven years into my marriage, I felt pain. The husband never placed his hands on me. I did not have scars or bruises, but I sensed an enormous amount of pain. The pain was genuine. And it hurt a lot. I decided that I didn't want to continue with this pain.

So I called one of the husband's prominent clan leaders, and he came over to the house with his wife. I told him that I no longer wanted to stay married to my husband anymore. He asked me why and I explained to him, "because I know he doesn't love me anymore." He requested me to show him my scars, my bruises. Let him examine my cuts and where I had bled. I had nothing to convince him. So he demanded again for a better explanation to justify my divorce intentions. I also explained, "he doesn't say nice things to me. He is always putting me down." This is when the husband intervened and said, "would you then like it then if I spoke to you with goos and ahhs instead? The nicest way I can think of for someone to talk to another person is how they speak to a baby."

How did I describe to them that my husband was not physically abusive but mentally and emotionally? And that kind of abuse was real too. They requested to "see" my unhappiness, his mistakes, and I couldn't provide them with anything. So the clan leader concluded with, "He does love you; he gave you kids." I did not win my case that day. There was no physical evidence that he did not love me.

Over the years, the pain and grief grew. I sought comfort and confidence in multiple other ways. I looked for worthiness in all places. I tried not to accept it when he informed me I meant nothing to him and that I am replaceable. I attempted not to listen when he justified me not getting that dress because my ugliness would destroy the appearance. I would hold back tears when he used my insecurities to fight with me.

As my kids and I usually sat alone at the kitchen table during meals, I keep telling myself that I had to leave. Even if he has said nobody else would ever want someone like me and him staying with me is already a great favor, I kept considering I should go. But I stayed. Even when he never came home, even when he never smiled at the kids and me. Even when the only time he would talk to us is to tell us what we did wrong. I knew I stayed, not because of my kids, but it was that I wasn't willing to leave yet. Even if he was never there for us, I wanted to be there for him. I still wanted to strive for this marriage and make it work. So I waited for him to change.

But then one day I woke up and I did choose to leave. I did leave. My mind left. My feelings left. All words of love and affection left. My soul left. My spirit left. But my body stayed. I am still here. I always cook and set the table for him at all times when required. I even bend down and take off his socks when he orders me to. I am still here after his verbal battery, and after his regular rants of telling me, I am such lousy luck, cursed, inadequate, and worthless to him. I still get up to get him a glass of water when his throat becomes dry from all the talking.

So if one day he says, "she left me." I would have to say, no, I didn't leave him. All my clothes and belongings are still in the house. My car is even parked in the garage. The elders would have to explain that I have not left because I am still making his meals and washing his clothes. I am still here because they can see that I am here. And he would lose this case. There will be no physical evidence that I left him.