Language

The English language is descriptive and clear, succinct even, most of the time. But there are those instances where... well, let’s just say it can be a little confusing. I mean, do we really need three there’s? There, their, and of course they’re. Or how about “were”? You have were, where, and we’re. It can get just a bit confusing. These are examples of “homophones”; other examples are two and to and too. It is too much. Then we have the whole big thing about ain’t and isn’t, well is it or not?

Certain things just shouldn’t be said. Now, this doesn’t mean they are bad or cause any serious damage. These are things that everybody says without really thinking it through. You have, of course, heard all of these, but it never hurts to be reminded that what you say is important.

Now, let’s say for instance you are walking through a particularly creepy cemetery at, oh, let’s say midnight. We can discuss why you’re walking through a particularly creepy cemetery at midnight, with fog of course, at a later date — much later, hopefully. You’re strolling along and you hear a noise, say a groaning, chain-rattling kind of noise. The first thing you do, of course, is to say in a whisper, “Who’s there?” Now, that sounds innocuous enough by itself, but do you seriously expect or want an answer?

Let’s further make the assumption you are not alone, and you do get an answer to the above question — now what? Do you run? Walk away hurriedly? Of course not. You don’t have to outrun the ghost, just the person you’re with. You trip the person you’re there with and then run like hell. If you hadn’t asked the question in the first place, the apparition may have just gone back to its resting place.

Moving on to a more plausible situation: You are picked up by the police for murder (it could happen, trust me). You’re setting in the interrogation room when the detective asks, “Where were you last night at about midnight?” Assuming you were not in a dark, misty, creepy cemetery, you explain you were home alone.

This is where it gets tricky. The detective stares at you and says, “Anybody see you there?” Or, “Can you prove that?”

What part of “home alone” do they not understand? Your first inclination is to say, “Yes, the five other people in the room while I was home alone can corroborate this.” You want to say that, but years of watching detective shows have taught you that this is not the time for levity — police detectives do not have a sense of humor. No, you politely reiterate the fact that you were HOME ALONE! Probably asleep, must be tiring to run through a cemetery at midnight in the fog. It’s a shame about your friend, though.

The English language can be very beautiful and descriptive when used correctly. The problem, of course, is nobody knows where to put the commas, semi-colons, and colons (like me), and sometimes people forget the period at the end. Leaving out commas can be dangerous. Simple sayings like, “Let’s have the kids for lunch.” Not sure how to cook that. Wonder what wine to serve? A teacher in an art class leaves out a comma, the PTA is in an uproar: “…Today we are going to cut and paste kids.” The inhumanity. Let us hope we got all the pieces back correctly.

When meeting people, you are at least slightly familiar with they will inevitably say something silly like, “How are you?” Now, this is a question that if you answer honestly will take some time. That is not what they want, of course, and all they expect is a simple, “OK, how are you?” Again, this could lead to an hour or better dissertation on that person’s life.

Listening to someone tell you how they are could be interesting, but probably not. Especially if they are coming from the police station after being interrogated for murder, and their alibi was (of course) the simple fact they were in a creepy cemetery at the time, standing in the fog at midnight wondering who was making all that dreadful noise. It is an unfortunate fact that more than likely you be subjected to a very boring description of their vacation to Bora Bora or Las Vegas or Branson, Missouri for god’s sake, and it would seem like an eternity. That foggy cemetery is looking pretty good right about now. Maybe Branson isn’t that bad. Maybe.

Now we come to the subject of “fancy” words. Your typical indolent individual sounds like quite the classy guy but in fact is just a lazy old sod. A person with “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” will be dead before they learn how to pronounce or spell the disease they have. For the people who have a fear of long words, we can say they suffer from “hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliphobia” (it’s only 36 letters but gets the point across). We say it is “incomprehensible” when it just impossible to comprehend. Sesquipedalian is the art of using incomprehensible long words to say a lot of nothing.

And our good friends the politicians can’t say anything that makes sense. Their main weapon when obfuscating the point of the argument is to utilize the convoluted technique of circumlocution to befuddle and bamboozle their constituents, thereby correctly using bloviation during their oration. In normal speak, they use hot air and gobbledegook.

Politicians. Now there is a whole other story. Also, why do people leave reviews on the internet for stupid things? Like soap dishes? It’s a dish that holds a bar of soap, what else can you say about it?

As always, this is Mr. Grumpy, your neighborhood old guy.

Laters.