Knowing the Truth

I often think about that day. I don't want to but it continues to return like the sun rising from the east. The thoughts, the pictures just return and return and return. No matter where I am; no matter who I am with.

"Hey, did you just zone out on me ?" Karen asked.

As if someone was shaking me quickly and softly at the same time, I looked at her with a blank stare, almost having difficulty knowing of where I was.

"Sorry, I guess I did" I said while shaking my head left to right, back and forth a couple of times

This is how it always happens. I lose sight of where I am, who I am, and who I am with. It's difficult to continue to live in this manner. My mind is tired; my body is tired. Isn't there someway I can give it a break after 5 years. When does it become less of a burden and more of a reflective memory ?

"Do you want to talk about it ? I have time, and you sure look like you have a need to talk." Karen smiled and looked at me with a empathetic glance of true concern.

I shook my head in an dismissive type of movement and said very quietly in almost a whisper, "It's a work issue I am working on". Karen knew my work was very proprietary and incapable of being dislosed. And yet all the time thinking to myself if only I could explain it, or more importantly, knew how to disclose it.

Karen has always been my friend. No, she is more than that. We nourished each other in times of need and yet disciplined the personality of the other to make each a better friend. We argued; we forgave. We knew each had added something missing in our individual selves to attempt to make each of us a whole. It's as if we no longer saw the exterior differences between us and that each aspect of our personalities were puzzle pieces interlocking to make one individual whole.

Yet there was that one missing piece that Karen knew nothing about. She had not finished the puzzele to know she was one piece short. I had shorted her. I shorted her the one piece that held the parts to the whole.

My heart is broken; my soul lost. No one can know nor will they know what shall be my darkest hour. Each day, each hour it flashes itself into my mind with little relief. I can't say I made a mistake. It wasn't an accident. It was purposeful. My stupidity. What a fool I was. Such a damn fool. Maybe letting Karen know the truth would free me ?