Keep Walking

One thing my son says a lot when we’re out and about that drives me nuts is, “Keep walking.” As soon as I stop to look at anything, he instantly barks his orders to get me moving again.

But today, it got me wondering if maybe my wise little toddler might just have a point.

I realise I haven’t felt myself in months. Well, that’s a lie, I had one week where I started to feel motivated and full of energy again… and then another round of sickness entered the house.

All this made me stop and think: is parenthood really just a series of short glimpses of feeling like yourself before the next disaster strikes?

I’ve decided to chart my journey of the last few months and try to make light of the situation.

On paper, most of it looks like the little problems in life, but I guess when you add them all together, they really can take their toll — and without a job, I can’t even scrape the pennies together to cover it.

Family Visits

Before we had our son, I was always under the impression that when family visited after you had a baby, they were coming to offer some help.

Now I’ve come to realise that when they say they’re coming to visit us, they really mean they’re coming to visit our couch.

Every time someone arrives, it just means another mouth to feed. I still do all the cooking and cleaning while said guest sits around on our couch scrolling on their phone, occasionally looking up to say one or two things to our son.

They always seem to gravitate to my favourite part of the couch too! So when I finally do get to sit down, I’m left with the uncomfortable lumpy bit.

Some of them even put orders in for what meals they want me to make while they’re here!

Not all of them can be trusted to babysit either, so we don’t even get to take advantage and have a night out.

Illness and ER Nights

Of course, one of my recent illnesses hit a few days before my sister arrived for her visit. She has a terrible immune system and every health problem known to man, so I knew this would be a disaster. Sure enough, while I was still recovering, she got it too.

Because she has asthma, the virus made breathing almost impossible for her, and we ended up spending a night at the Emergency Room — which really just involves sitting around with a highly contagious virus for about ten hours in a room full of other people while someone occasionally waves a probe over you to make sure you’re still alive.

I was a vet nurse for 13 years; I could have done that at home.

The Job Hunt

My first interview a while back seemed really promising. It went well and the manager seemed really friendly… but I didn’t get it.

I did have a dog-sitting job for a bit that somehow turned into a person-dodging job. I was looking after a four-month-old French bulldog who had broken his leg. I was visiting him for 30 minutes a day and keeping him company while the owners were at work. Then the owners started being home and I was just there running around after my son and their dog while they went about their day.

Although the extra money was great, I was relieved when they finally admitted they didn’t need me anymore.

For my next interview, the person told me I was overqualified before I even arrived. When I got there, she spent all of five minutes talking to me before sending me on my way.

Did she just have a quota she had to fill before she could hire someone?

Then, my latest interview, I really thought I was in with a chance. They were hiring Christmas casuals for multiple stores in my area. I thought surely they’d have a spot for someone who’s only available a few days a week. A couple of days before my interview, I came down with another dreaded daycare bug. The night before, I went to bed with a fever and woke with a nasty cough. Barely able to function, I had to cancel.

What’s the name of this store, you ask? The Reject Shop.

Yep, that’s right, I can’t even get a job at The Reject Shop.

Honestly, I’ve felt so stretched thin these past few months between being sick and being a Mum. I just don’t know how working parents do it, I have so much respect for them.

Loss and Letting Go

And just when I thought I might never feel myself again, I lost my cat who has been through it all with me. She’s seen me go through heartaches and losses. She’s moved across the country with me and watched me get married and have a baby, and now she’s not here to help me through this.

My heart is so broken.

I miss that positive, energetic Sandy who was always on the go.

A Best Friend to the Rescue

I’m so grateful for good friends.

My best friend is arriving in two weeks, and we’ve booked a hotel in the city. I’m off to drink myself stupid and let loose for a night.

What’s Next?

So I guess all that’s left for me to do is “keep walking,” following the path forward, slowly, carefully, and one weary step at a time. I will stumble every now and then and probably fall, but I’ll get back up and keep going.

Here’s to picking up the pieces of my heart, putting them back together, and finding a scrap of normalcy in the madness that is parenthood… even if only for a few more hours.