Just Another Dick

I was just another dick to her. Just another dick taking a piss in a toilet that hadn’t been cleaned in six months. Just another dick getting out of the bed and walking to the door and saying goodbye for today. Just another dick, sometimes wrapped in latex, sometimes inside her.

She was the sun to me. A light inside her burning so bright I could feel the energy before she opened the door. A light burning so bright I could feel the energy in the few words of her text messages.

It’s amazing, though, this sun of mine. Her light was kept from the world. Kept in a simple home littered in broken dreams. Her light was kept in a place with a single bathroom, one that was rarely clean. Her light was inside a kitchen stacked with liquor bottles, some still containing the spirits that drove her.

Her light was on a deck painted red and covered in cardboard. Her light was in a basement with her office and work supplies.

Her light was in the backyard, the one never mowed, overrun with weeds. Her light was in a home that smelled of a dog wet and infected.

One night, he was there. The white car, the comfortable pose on the couch, the drink in hand, the selection of drugs in his bag.

On another, he was there. Still in a suit from work, luxury car parked in the lot near the trash can that was always bursting with her wreckage.

One more night, he was there. His car black and sleek, his intentions as dark as the tinted windows.

Each of them got all they wanted from her. Someone to buy drugs and suck cocks and make them feel like the only man in the world for a moment. Someone to make a shitty week turn into an hour of forgetting. Someone who could mix the exactly perfect drink for the occasion. Someone who would make sure none of the mess got on the suit he never took off. Someone who laughed at bad jokes and smiled when the door opened.

The only one of us who didn’t get what he wanted was me.

Inside, deep inside, there was a movement in me. A light I could not deny. I felt with her. Truly, really, honestly felt. She opened me, opened my heart. I could barely stand to touch her, so hot was the desire I had for her. I was thrilled to just be in her presence. Thrilled to sit at a table and see the dishes that had been piling since January. Thrilled to smell the ice cream turned moldy from sitting in the same glass I’d used many weeks before.

Then, I was not so thrilled.

Not at all thrilled when I thought of him drinking from the glasses I bought for her. Not so thrilled when I thought of the wine I’d left that I knew another man had shared with her. Not thrilled in the least that it was one of them who’d eaten the cake I’d sent for her birthday. Not really thrilled when I thought of the excuse she likely made when the flowers I’d cut from my own garden were placed at her door while he was there.

I once told her that if I could live 100 more years and find a new way to make her smile each day, that would come close to how she made me feel. I once told her there was no adventure I could imagine saying ‘no’ to if she were with me.

She told me she loved me, spent hours with me, planned the purchase of my new home. Told me she’d want a key, because she’d be there often.

I wonder, now, was she planning to fuck one of them while I was gone for work? Did she look out the windows from the top floor of the building and think of one of them holding her from behind?

What did she really think of me? Why was I even there? What was I to her?

Oh, right. I was just another dick. Another one standing up to piss in her nasty toilet, another one to spend a night in her bed, another one to take her on errands since she couldn’t be bothered with getting a car.

I wanted my sun, she was my sun.

To her, though, I was just another . . . no light for me burned inside her heart. Maybe no one could make that happen for her. No matter, I clearly did not.

Now, I’m gone. My heart with a hole the size of the sun. My body cold, lacking the heat she gave me.

Still, I’m better now. Warming a bit. She opened me, and another will find me stronger, better, braver. All because she let me in - let just another dick use her toilet for just one more night.