Jonathan

Jonathan!

There is this crazy thing about me… I never know when there’s a good time to tell someone how I feel. There are never enough words to explain how I feel… Or even if I’ve shared these feelings before and you’d think it’s annoying how I keep saying the same things over and over. But for me telling you everyday how I feel about you is very important! You knowing that talking to you is amazing, is important! I tell you all day how handsome you are lol because you’re really fucking handsome. But that’s not all why I’m writing this letter to you! It’s easier for me to say how I feel in words and paper opposed to face to face… It’s because I’ve been told countless times how my feelings didn’t matter and I’m wrong when I bring things to people face to face. I’m definitely not saying you’re like everybody else because we all know that’s not true. But what I’m saying is there’s trauma behind why I do this. There are reasons behind why it’s hard for me to actually communicate with you, when in reality it is me who is big on communication!

  I am head over heels for you though kid! And I’m scared shitless to know I feel this way for someone again. I’m scared you’ll stop loving me. I’m scared you’ll wake up one day and find me unattractive. I’m scared one day you’ll stop trying to make me happy after you’ve annoyed me lol. I’m scared one day the same things that made you fall in love with me are the same things you’ll turn to hate. I’m scared everything will stop and it’ll be me left feeling broken. I’m not saying you give me feelings like these. I’ve been through a lot in my relationships. I have a hard time opening up to people, I kind of sabotage myself when I am dealing with someone. Like when I left last year… I really didn’t want to intentionally hurt you by taking my problems out on you! That was true. But the whole time I wasn’t talking to you Jonathan, I couldn’t get you off my mind! I was scared you wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I really thought you hated me for being on bullshit when I told you I was done with my bullshit.

  Do you really know what I love about you Jonathan? I love how when you’re close to me you touch any part of my skin that is showing. I love that even in a room full of people your attention never leaves me. I love how excited you get when you talk about something you really love. I love how you pay attention to me. I love how no matter what you still think I am beautiful. You never stop at making me happy. I love how you always stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep. I even love your sarcasm! You make me laugh even when I just want to be sad. I love when you buy a new outfit you call me and show me! I love how you like my opinions when you’re buying clothes lol. You make me feel special, like when I’m with you I know nobody can touch me. I feel like I’m on top of the world! Oooh and when you touch me, I get so warm and comfortable under your touch! It’s sad that it took me walking away from you to realize how much I want you into my life! And yes, I should’ve known how much I want you before I left you. I’m sorry I left I really should’ve never left but I also needed to leave to work on me. Because what people don’t know is that during the time, I had no selflove. I hated myself and how could I love you the way you needed when I didn’t even love myself? How could I be the woman you needed when I wasn’t even the woman, I needed me to be? I’m definitely not saying I’m 100% now but, I am saying I found who I needed to find. I’m making my way to becoming the person god intended me to be. You may ask “so what’s so different from then and now?”. The difference is I’ve grown a little in the past few months. I now understand what talking to someone will do, I know no matter what you won’t judge me for anything I’m dealing with. I never met a guy who made me push to be a better person like you do. It’s hilarious to say but I’ve only messed with guys on a lower level than me because it made me feel good lmao that shit is sad to admit. I’ve had to fix every other ex, you’re the only one who to me is perfect! I wouldn’t dare change anything about you. Not even the fact that you’re a 65-year-old man in a 23-year old’s body lol. That old soul you have I love that lol. Jonathan you really make my heart happy. I’ve never looked at my phone and was annoyed you were calling me lol. I still after knowing you for 3 year get butterflies when you come around. I’ve probably said the same thing 50,000 times in this letter lol. This is how I express myself! I ramble and talk in circles but it all should make sense. I really don’t know how you feel besides the days you do tell me you love me. It scares me shitless to know one day you’ll be gone. But I can’t do anything about that but enjoy the moments I have with you now. I’ve known you for 3 years now Jonathan lol that is crazy. I remember when we first started talking, I looked at your pof profile and was like ehh he could be the love of my life, let me give this kid a chance! And then boom you were an amazing person that I vibe well with. I honestly thought you’d be on bullshit lol you’re just to handsome and I couldn’t believe you were that into me lol. Then you agreed to video chat and I seen you were actually real lol I was like oooo yeah, he can be my new boo. Then you kept calling me and coming to see me, and you made me fall so deeply in love with you over these 3 years. I know when we first started talking, I didn’t want to have sex with you because for me sex makes things so much more complicated. And I was nervous that it wouldn’t be good lol to be honest… Definitely didn’t want that to happen! I know sex isn’t everything BUT I love having bomb orgasm and that would’ve hurt my feelings to give that up lol. I’m laughing but I’m so very serious.

 I really just had to stop denying that I’m so in love with you Jonathan!