It's Not Me, It's YOU!

In a day and age where, as individuals, we are more conscious of our personal value, and increasingly aware of our self-worth, the identification of negative and toxic elements in our lives is more prevalent than ever before.

The terms "toxic" and "toxic relationship" go hand in hand with any discussion on personal growth, mental health and overall wellbeing. It is an inescapable aspect of recognising your truth, worth and, potential.

I have experienced toxicity in both romantic and platonic relationships. And when the lifespan of that particular relationship expires I have always been the one left feeling at fault. As if something I had done, or did not do, was the soul cause for the relationships deterioration.

What I know now is that this isn't the case. The truth is that my personality naturally attracts toxic individuals who have perceived me to be naive and gullible - and in their defence I have been both these things.

The most damaging of these experiences have been encountered in platonic relationships. And, although I am aware that toxic relationships of a romantic nature leave their own scars, I can only speak to the damage numerous toxic friendships have done.

These platonic relationships on reflection have always been "all or nothing" and I know now that no healthy relationship, regardless of its natures, should function in such a state.

Going back to Primary School I can hold my hands up and say I didn't really have any friends, several bullies and acquaintances, but not friends. I was desperate to be part of a group, to be important to someone. The need to tick that "best friend" box definitely played into me finding myself the "side-kick" to individuals I would discover too late were toxic.

Going from an environment where I always felt left out to one where I could start over I quickly found friendship in the form of a fellow classmate who, on the surface was likeable and interested in much of the same stuff I was.

What I realised over the years, and can see clearly now in retrospect is that our whole friendship hinged on me serving her needs and, being there for her. As she often said I was the "Pumba to her Timon". I should have known then that anyone who could so flippantly compare me to a Warthog wasn't someone genuinely interested in my wellbeing or companionship.

As the years went on, and she fell in with other girls at school and I found friends that I had more in common with, and more fun with, we naturally drifted apart but, we were still in classes together, we still saw eachother six to eight hours a day, five days a week, and that was enough. I made time where I could for her at the weekend around my part-time job, family commitments and other arrangements with friends.

She would make a big deal of having an "Us" day at least once a month. Looking back there were so manyt red flags, the main one being that my parents didn't like her. I was a teenager, I thought it was normal for your parents not to like your friends, but when I would see how my parents treated my brother's friends I was always disgruntled and annoyed. My parents could see she was a user, I could only see someone who wanted me around, whatever their motivation.

Over the years as we grew up, went through final year and in to University we had grown apart entirely. She had started putting her boyfriend before me, and her other friends, missing school to spend time with him on the days he was off University. I told her that she needed to make time for her friends because boys come and go, and if she alienates me and the others now, who is she going to turn to when it all goes wrong. That, did not go down well, but it was prophetic.

In second year of University I got a phone call from an unknown number, thinking it might have been one of my study group pals, I answered, it was her. Of course it was. She had broken up with said boyfriend, he had cheated on her and in that moment she felt so awful for how she had treated me, and apologised for tossing me aside. She wanted to meet for a coffee, to catch up and just make amends face to face. I took her up on the offer, with no intention of rekindling any friendship. Over time though, the sporadic texting, the fact that we still had mutual friends from school and were studying on the same University campus led to just that.

What annoys me most about these toxic friendships is that I wasn't strong enough to go with my gut once the wooll had been pulled off my eyes and I could see what these people were really like.

It's happened so often that yes, even to this day, I think that it was me. That there was something about me that drove them away or that I was the one at fault. That maybe it was my behaviour that was problematic. I didn't know that there was such a thing as a "toxic personality" nor, did I know that a person could be toxic, and what that entailed.

It was only later in life that I looked back at "the little things" which with hindsight I realised were warning signs. I'm not going to sit here and say that I haven't displayed toxic personality traits, I am sure I have.

What I have realised is, and what I have learned from reading up on toxic personality traits is that I was never this persons friend, I was a plaything.

Because the reality is, toxic people never take responsibility for their behaviour or actions, skirting accountability and never apologising, if anything they'll make you feel like you should apologise to them for trying to hold them accountable.

Toxic people are masters of gaslighting you when you confront them about hurting your feelings or, mistreating you and make you believe that it is your fault that they acted as they did and treated you that way.

They manipulate and make you feel paranoid, they undermine you, judge you and fail to support you, they demand your time and attention but never reciprocate. All of this, and more, is exactly how I would define the relationships I have had. And you would think having experienced it once, I would know how to avoid a similar situation.

But, that is just the thing with toxic people, they are so deceptive and false that they can be incredibly friendly, welcoming, in my case they've always been the ones to reach out and make that first introduction.

I am wiser now, but to say I will never fall victim to another toxic personality is a promise I know I could make to myself but not be able to keep. At least now I am well versed in the warning signs and value myself enough to walk away without explanation or, regret.