Into the Eye of Horus

“When are you going to do something with your life?”

“Mom, I just lost my job, please give time to think”

“You got fired from a receptionist job at a hotel son.”

“I know, I just need some time to think. Please Mom, I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Okay, well I just want you to succeed and do something with your life, anything!”

“Yes, I know. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Jamie?”

“Yes Mom?”

“Don’t be smoking that marijuana, it makes people lazy.”

“I won’t, don’t worry, I’m going to stay productive.”

“Okay, bye. I love you son.”

“I love you too, bye.”

I lied. Not the part about loving my mom, I truly do love her, I just wish I could be a better son to make her proud. Wow, just saying that really hits me in the guts. In my head I want to be better; in my head I can see the better path, yet I still pursue the worst. I’m a thirty-two-year-old college dropout, I have no job, no girlfriend, no friends, only my mom. Yes, I am a loser, I know that, but life is meaningless anyways, there are no truths, only our interpretations. I became a nihilist after having a conversation with a philosopher professor at a party twelve years ago. We were high on cocaine and it just made me realize, what’s the point, we all die anyways. Why even watch the news, shit is always happening, and it will continue to happen. I really started not to give a fuck after that conversation. I think that’s where it all went wrong.

Dammit, I’m out of wraps. I know, I know, I shouldn’t get high, but the incontinence predominates. I’m so weak, I almost hate myself for it. Actually, I do hate myself and I don’t even know how I could if I think life is meaningless. Something is definitely wrong with my thinking. Fuck it, I need to go down to the liquor store and buy some wraps so I can get high and forget about hating myself.

“Hey Adel.” Adel is the store owner, the guy I see the most.

“Hey buddy, how’s life?”

“Not too bad man. Just lost my job, but there are many jobs out there, it’s nothing crazy.”

“When you think like that, I have no worries for you brother.”

“Let me get a pack of them zig-zags will you.”

“No problem brother… Go ahead, get one.”

“What?” Adel must have caught me starring at the new lotto tickets that they just put up. It read ‘How will $20,000 change your life?’.

“Ah, naw, it’s cool. When does anybody ever win anyways?”

“People have won a couple thousands, I know, I’m the store owner. Three dollars for a chance to win twenty-thousand dollars, why not? Besides, you just lost your job, maybe it’s a sign.”

A sign, right. As if God cares about me.

“Alright, whatever, give me one.”

“Buddy, I pray that you win!”

“Well let’s see.”

Adel gave me my change back with some coins and I used a dime to scratch off the lotto. As I was scratching some loudmouth came in and got two big cans of Modelo and asked for one of the same lotto tickets that I got and four other lotto tickets. I kept scratching and the ticket revealed two matching numbers, I just needed three matching. Shit, could this be it?

“Betting on your luck as well my man?”

“Yea, why not.”

“I always do!”

This guy looks more of a loser than I do. He must waste his money on lotto tickets all the time. I scratched off the last section, and what do you know, it’s a ‘free ticket’ winner. Fucking tease. But I get to try my luck again for free this time.

“Adel, let me get another one, I’m a winner.”

“You see brother, don’t ever lose faith.”

Adel handed me another ticket. I could hear the other guy grunting and getting pissed every time he revealed a bad lotto ticket. I continued with my luck. I got to two matching pairs again. Okay, this actually could be it. I scratched the last section, and what do you know, my luck is as shitty as always. This just enforces how nothing ever goes right for me. Why can’t something ever go good in my life. It’s like God hates me. Dammit! This loss just hits me right in the guts. I started to feel like crying, so I made my way out. As I stepped out, I heard the guy screaming.

“Holy fuck! I won!”

No fucking way? Really, this guy actually won.

“I actually won!” He was so excited he ran out to show me and put the humiliation all up in my face. “Twenty-thousand dollars baby! Oh my God! I need to show my girlfriend.”

This guy actually has a girlfriend. I must be really deep down in the gutters. This guy must have been too excited though, because as he ran to his car parked in a busy street, he must of went too far into the street because all I heard was, “This is the best day of my…” and then a huge thump! I ran toward where he got hit and saw him lying on the floor not moving, and then I saw the ticket lying on the floor next to my feet not moving. God does love me?

I had to go into my apartment and be alone with the winning ticket for a bit. My heart was pounding of excitement. You would think I would use the money to better myself, but I’m a loser, remember? And a loser becomes a loser because he’s an idiot. I called my connect and bought $500 worth of cocaine. I went to Vegas and checked into a nice suite in Caesars Palace Hotel. I gambled, got wasted, went to strip clubs, and partied with anybody there. When I got back to my room, it was the worst. I felt so alone, I would cry myself to sleep every night. I would wake up ready to live and I would go to sleep ready to die. I am a useless individual, why am I even alive? It took thirty-two years to finally ask that question. People just can’t understand the pain. They can’t understand people who can’t help themselves. I feel so lonely, so stupid; life is hell.

I woke up and cut them lines; it started snowing in my brain. This shit is making me insane, but it sure does numb the pain. I didn’t want to eat alone, so I went down to one of the little fancy restaurants the hotel had and got a table all to myself. In front of me there was an old man reading a book called Ubuntu. I can’t quite make out the name of the author. I just intrigued myself on him, I had nothing else to do anyways. His phone started ringing.

“Hey son, what’s up?... I’m in Vegas for business, I told you, remember?.... What?... Please, no… No, no.”

The old man started weeping. He must have gotten really bad news. He hanged up and started to make his way towards the direction of the restroom, but as soon as he took two steps, he started to have a heart attack. I quickly got up and went to the old man.

“Hey, you okay?” Of course, he’s not okay, I just don’t know what else to say. I yelled for help. As people came and surrounded him, I got up and backed away from what I just witnessed. I looked at the book that he left on the table and saw another little black book beside it. There was an obscure picture of an eye that glistened in the front cover, almost like a subliminal message. I couldn’t help to think this was a sign. Two deaths have happened in front of me, and both times something of theirs was by my reach. Why would God kill only to leave me with something of theirs? And most of all, why me? I’m the dumbest guy in this room, I’m sure of it. That eye kept glistening, I couldn’t resist. I took both the books and left to my room.

At first, I just sat on the front part of the bed starring at the eye embedded in the little black book. I know this eye now, it’s the eye of Horus. I know it because one thing I loved learning about most was the Egyptians. I flipped through the pages, and the whole book was almost completely filled with words, handwritten. I never wanted to read a book so much as I do now. I began and flipped the first page,

I decree thee to abide by that which binds the people together. What we are is more than what you may think. From the particle to the cell, and from the cell to the animal; life is bound to constantly become something more than what it was before. Life understands itself without being aware of its understanding. Through the fundamental laws life abides with, they also elevate it. The tree of life has blossomed, and you and every living thing has become the blossoming effect.

There is only life in life. This moment is the past and the future. This moment is eternal, for every time lived was lived in the moment. Life is eternal. What you think and what you feel, what you see and what you hear, it is the experience of eternity. The moment is an eternal flame moving from the past and going into the future. Value the moment, for billions of years have passed towards this moment.

Life, behind the veil of all illusions, is meaningless, but the meaning is captured when the light of awareness shines in the darkness of the inner nooks of your consciousness, seeing who you are to be. You must seek for meaning, else you only become aware of your own transitory nature. Once you have found your meaning you will have found your purpose, and to not pursue your purpose is to reject your meaning.

This book contains all of my fervor knowledge that allowed for the divine to arise within me the realization of how we as a society must progress. Throughout all my experience, I came to the conclusion that the only truth in life is life itself. Listen to life and you will know the way. Truth is there, beware.

I had to stop and digest what I had just read. Up until now do I realize how empty the vessel of my soul was. Is there really an external force helping me and others? Did it really take out two lives of people in order for me to fall into the hands of a sum of money and this extraordinary book? A book that contains the key to a better future, why would it land on me? I will never know, but the meaning of life has never been greater. What else do I have? Death comes to us all, but life remains, and the people of the future should wake up from the progress of the past, just as we woke up from the forefathers of ours.

As I came to the end of the book, his last words read, “Watch out for the man with tattoos.” I don’t know what he meant by that, but I realized my purpose, and I must pursue it, or else I’ll spend the rest of my days crying myself to sleep until I shoot myself. I flushed away all my drugs, left the hotel, and sold all my assets. My purpose is not here. I used the rest of my money and ordered a ton of books and left to Africa to rebuild society in the way of the little black book that I became destined to.