In the Light of the Moon

Somewhere on a soft bed under a full moon some odd 2000 miles away lies the woman of my dreams. Here I am, lost as ever, ranging a terrain older than time that remains mostly uncharted. Most of what I’ve learned in my 24 years is The Universe has a way of taking what we want and replacing it with what we need, even when we don’t take too kindly to its higher guidance.

[7.23.2023 11:22 PM, somewhere on a distant beach in Malibu]

“Something in me knows I’m growing accustomed to living without you. I know nothing’s changed, but what I said before is still my truth.” I looked over to my love of many lifetimes, sitting there quiet and still to my left. She gazed off at the city, its reflection dancing on the water. 45 seconds passed without an utterance, so I continued. “I miss the way you see the world. You saw me and spoke to me in a way no one ever has.” The cloud that’d been blocking the moon for some time slid past, revealing the vast white glow that I’d come so fond of. “Who saw you?” she replied without moving much but her lips. “You did.” I said. She stared outward for a while then turned to me in the gentlest way, “Are you sure it wasn’t just you seeing yourself for the first time?” I sat in contemplation. “As in, I saw my reflection in you? Like we’re of the same soul?” Her eyes looked directly into mine with a groundedness that sent waves through my spine. “More like your perception of me helped you see all of the things you love about you. You perceive them to be in me, but really they are in you.” “Um well -” “I’m not saying you don’t love me for who I am,” she assured, “you may love me because you cherish my individual essence, but equally you love me because you love your essence.” I thought about it for a while. I wanted to know where she channeled these greater wisdoms from. “Do you love yourself?” Her question caught me off guard. “Mmm, I think I love myself.” I replied. “Are you sure?” “Well, I don’t know.” I sat and looked over at the city. So many people over there yet hardly one that I’m acquainted with. “How is this foreign place treating you?” she said, as if hearing my thoughts. “Well, I don’t have many friends because wherever I go, not many are like me. I meet people but they’re mostly the same. I just want people who see the magic that I see, but none of them seem to care in the way I do. They’re all preoccupied with their monies and ego games.” I wondered how this question had anything to do with me loving myself and hoped it was a sign she’d moved past the subject. She continued to look at me, avoiding her as I may. “If you value yourself, why would you need more people in your life who are like you?” In the wake of this fiery question, I chose to maintain my silence. 100 meters out, three dolphins peaked above the water line. What kind of life it must be to live in the sea. “So how is the search going?” she asked. I didn’t know what she was referring to. “Which one?” “The one where you’re looking for the-you-outside-of-you.” “It’s going fine.” I remarked with a tone. At that she moved closer to me. I turned to greet her face-on. “Do you see what’s missing?” “Apparently not to the extent you do. But that’s another thing I love, you always see where I can’t.” Then, like usual, it happened. “Well first, you know I’m not her, Lumen.” Ah, right. The physical love of my life lay fast asleep some odd 2000 miles away under a different moon. “I know but you keep coming here and talking to me like you’re her.” “Second,” she stated, “this mortal girl can’t save you, do you realize that?” I was fixated on other things. “You look like her. Speaking on that, do you realize how hard this makes my life?” It’s tough being reminded of her every single day - 3 years takes a toll. “I’d rather forget and move on. But as soon as I feel better, here you are, sitting next to me like she never left.” The incarnation-projection-spirit looked at me and said, “I keep coming here because you haven’t learned all you’re meant to learn from the experience you shared with her. Once you start paying more attention, I’ll let you be.” “I think I can learn my lessons on my own.” I stood to leave. “But I do appreciate your concern, miss.” As I walked away she stayed where she was. 40 paces out she shouted, “There’s a difference between truly letting go and hiding your emotions somewhere deep within you, you know!” I froze. Why does this always happen? She knows what to say at the right time, every time. At that she caught up to me, but no longer looked familiar. In fact, she didn’t look too much like anything I could describe in ink. “Are you afraid?” “Well, yes.” “Of what?” “Many, many things!” I laughed. “In regards to love though? Losing her. I feel by now she’s found someone else. And that she’s forgotten about me. Is that the answer you were after?” “Have you forgotten her?”, replied the thing I will now refer to as Light. “No.” “So what makes you think she’d forget about you?” To tell the truth, I didn’t know. Sometimes fear doesn’t make sense, but that never makes it any less real for me. “She’d like you in her life as much as you’d like her in yours. But holding onto the past is pointless. You’ll never be there again.” I stared at my bare feet in the sand, shifting my toes rhythmically under, then above the cool little rocks. Change is hard for me. “If there’s a future for you two, you’ll find it somewhere in The Unknown.” Light tapped my forehead, “But I promise you won’t find it in your memories.” I spent some time on this in my thoughts. I do believe I’ll see her again. I just didn’t want to say goodbye. It didn’t feel right. “The day you said goodbye was just as important as the day you said hello.” said the mind reading stranger floating next to me. “How so?”, I replied out of genuine curiosity. "The day I met her was the best day of my life, the day she left was the worst." “One door closes and another opens.” “Yeah, well I don’t think I even want a new relationship right now.” “Who said this new door is one to intimacy?” I stared at the moon, feeling a bit naive for thinking so narrowly. “A door has opened and now you have work to do. Inner-world affairs. I’m just here to help you on your way and make sure you’re paying attention.” We started walking again, this time, not a word was uttered. After a good half hour, Light broke the silence. “Pretty soon you’ll realize it’s not quite so much about physical you and physical her like you thought it was.” That, if anything, was not what I wanted to hear, but I’ve learned this ghost speaks words worth considering. “How is it then?” “You’ll find out soon enough. But until then consider this:

“If you loved yourself, you wouldn’t still be looking for yourself in everyone you meet.”

Light then disappeared, leaving me once again alone on this dark, lonely beach at Midnight somewhere in California.

[8.06.23 12:34 AM, somewhere on a moonlit hill in Sherman Oaks]

"I don’t think I know what love is." Light and I hadn't spoken in awhile. Tonight I was finally ready to face her mirror again. "What do you mean?" replied my translucent friend. "I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know.. I literally don’t know. My parents didn’t love me. Any sign of affection they showed was based on fear. Fear can’t be love, can it?" "Can air be water?" Profound, I thought. "I can’t tell you how many times I heard, 'the reason I’m doing this is because I love you.' No! You’re doing it because you’re afraid! Fear has been my vehicle for loving my whole life. So I never received love, and as a result, didn’t know how to love myself. Yet all along I think I loved who I was more than anything else in the world. How is that possible? It’s some kind of paradox." My heart felt all tangled and muddy. I couldn't bring myself to talk about these things with any humans. It brought me a discomfort beyond my ability to cope. Light always helped me feel seen. "Think of it this way, your soul has always loved you. You've felt its love your whole life. When you were young, you basked in its radiance. As you aged, the more you were hurt, the more you put up walls between its fiery glow and you. But part of you always knew your essence was a diamond amongst rock." She was right. I remembered how being young felt. Young enough that there really weren't many scars. I did things because I wanted to, they felt right, and I didn't even know to care how they might be perceived. From here such a mindset sounds dangerous, but I'm wondering if I was really onto something back then. Light continued on, "Now we’re breaking down those walls one at a time." Manual labor was never a friend to me. "So my worldly experiences tainted my lenses and convinced me that I was flawed to the point I was stuck in some Limbo where every action I participated in was based in fear? Even the things that were beautiful in my world were being received through a lens of pain?" "What does your heart say?" I tapped into my chest. "It thinks so." The more words spoken, the longer I concentrated on it, the deeper it sunk. Something in me knew issues like these aren't curable by modern medicine or anything in man's world. "So how do I heal this?" I asked with genuine concern. "You already are healing it. Consciously and unconsciously. You started the process that night on the beach." An owl hooted from a nearby rooftop. "Really?" To tell the truth, I didn't feel much of a shift then, let alone a revelation. "Well don’t you think you learned something of value that night?" I took a second to gather my thoughts. "I think I started questioning some things I hadn’t.. and I adjusted my focus. I was seeing her from some outdated view. I thought she could complete me and take me away from all of this. But I guess that’s when I started realizing that I was using other people and other things to numb me." After hearing my own words, I realized I'd taken in more than I thought. The mind truly is a mystery. Light is an all knowing being. She had told me this before. All information throughout all time exists in one moment, and she has access to it. Like a door, or a book. She can open it and 'ah, here we are', answers to all mortal questions and concerns. Knowing this, and knowing how little I knew, made me frustrated. "How old is this pain I’m feeling?" I reached down and picked up a dead flower from the grass. "The one in your heart center?" "Yes." "Hundreds of years." "Hundreds?!" This made no sense to me. I'm 24. I've heard of multiple lifetimes, but still, my thinking is far too linear for this. Light didn't have anything to say to my energetic display. "So.." I bobbed my head around looking for eye contact. She looked at the sky, "So what?" "So you’re telling me I not only have the responsibility of healing my own self, but I have to heal my ancestors too?" She smiled, "Many of them are helping you." a glowing butterfly appeared and floated down to her outstretched finger. "You’re the one they’d been waiting for."

[8.22.23 3:11 PM, somewhere in a dead field in Topanga]

Life goes on. People who mean the world to you vanish. Future's you held so close to your heart disappear without notice. Is it cruelty, or is it all part of something greater? Lately I'd been reading about soul contracts. Being a musician, I understand how signing the wrong papers can be a real disaster. So it seems kind of unfair that we sign these things without our knowing. A little heads up might take away the freight-train-collision essence of it all. "Can I ask you something?" "You already know the answer to that." "You stopped appearing as her.. taking her form or whatever you call it where you’re from." I shifted around, looking for a more comfortable place to sit. "Why?" Light sat directly across from me, & from where I was the scorched land felt like we were on some other continent. "I didn’t need to anymore. I told you once you learned what you needed I’d be on my way." "Well you didn’t quite keep that promise." The sun beamed intensely on my face. Cheers to summers in LA. "I meant I wouldn’t have to keep presenting myself in the same fashion. That’s how The Universe works." She drew a 3 foot circle in the air. "Things are of a cyclical nature." Circles. Circles and cycles, patterns and puzzles, quizzes and tests, odysseys and lessons. What a great way to spend 100 years. Light drew a few stick figures in the dirt. "We’re always trying to get the humans' attention, but only a few of you ever notice." With her words, two of the five figures lit up in a glowing white light, the others remained as they were drawn. "Once you're aware, you become conscious of your habit, and break free of that particular cycle. Then it’s on to the next lesson. It’s simple Soul Evolution." "Is it frustrating trying to get all these people's attention?" I asked. She looked down at her hands. "It can be. But when someone finally tunes in it makes it worthwhile. I’m just doing my part." It felt assuring seeing her talk in this vulnerable way. Almost like she still had someone deep down there that needed to be heard and valued. "How come you communicate with me in such a clear way?" "Everyone’s different, Lumen. Think of humans simply as conduits to energy. If the average is capable of receiving 100 watts, you could take around 20 million." My heart filled with immense pride. "I see." She looked up to meet my proud gaze, "That’s not something to let your ego get ahold of." Caught. "The truth is it doesn’t really matter. Your physical body is bound to the earth like all else on it." She was right. It is pretty fun though. "I don’t know how to tell people what I experience.. it’s complicated. I feel they won’t understand. Even when someone gets it I can’t seem to put the experiences in the right words." She was always so effortless at communicating these intangible concepts with me. Was it learned over time? "See it as a language designed personally for you. Each person who experiences these kind of things experiences them in their own unique way. As you get older you may find it easier to communicate what you channel, but I think you’ll find there’s no need to." "No need? but can’t this help people?" "Sure, but you won’t have much luck trying to persuade anyone. The most you can do is spark one’s curiosity here and there. Then they can go out on their own and find out for themselves." "Best way to do that I imagine is just by being me." "Yep." "Can I ask you something else?" She smiled in silence, giving me the green light. "The girl I met, is she like this too?" "She is in a way you’re not, and you are in a way she’s not. But there’s part of you two that overlaps from the same fragment of light energy in the way out there." I felt a rush of old emotions flow through me, "That’s why I felt I knew her for so long!" "You’re from Indiana?" "Uh, yes? What’s that to do with anything?" She paused, "Do you know everyone from Indiana?" Oh. "So I guess I’ve experienced other lifetimes around her in some way then." "In some shape or form. True friends always find each other again. That’s something on this planet you can count on as long as you’re here. Just look at Rumi & Shams. Those two are my favorite example." Two hawks swooped above our heads. I felt generally unsatisfied with where this conversation was going, and generally unsatisfied with how I thought I'd feel walking out of here. "So what’s the point of all this then? Life doesn’t make sense to me still." "Why should it?" "I don’t know. I guess I’m used to trying to figure everything out. Maybe I thought by the end of our encounter I’d have some sort of answer." She smiled bigger than I'd ever seen. I continued, "I think that’s actually one of the things that’s held me back from surrendering to The Universe." She seemed to understand where I was coming from. "Humans like to know how things work. It’s the foundation for the world they built - which given the context, is quite an impressive one." I thought about the planes and boats, cars and microwaves, phones and subway systems. "Impressive as it is, I can’t help but feel it’s missing the point. What good is our material world when we aren’t loving ourselves or each other enough to truly enjoy it?" I heard a branch snap and turned to see a coyote with a rabbit in its jaws, pattering on its way. As I turned back I said, "No one is teaching us how to love", a statement I felt both proud and saddened by, but as I made my way back to center I noticed no one was there to hear it.

[9.14.2023 7:47 PM, somewhere at a coffee shop in Silver Lake]

I think it’s important to check back in on old versions of yourself. Sometimes I’ll travel through time and whisper in younger me’s ear: "You're doing the right thing, trust me on this one." He just needed to hear that it all turned out alright. Keep your head up, keep going friend. You won’t believe where this road takes you.

Table 77 - that's about right. "It’s your job as co-habitants of this planet to teach who is willing to listen." "Such drama with your vanishing acts." I was confused. Where is this statement coming from? "Our conversation in the field. You said no one is teaching humanity how to love." I remembered now. I took a sip of my highly anticipated chai. "Do you know what real love looks like?" Without thinking I said, "Emotional affection, no matter how dry things get, you’re still committed to that person." She tilted her head at an angle. "The answer I was looking for was indifference." I nearly spit tea all over the table. "Indifference? To me that feels closer to hatred and.. I don't know, evil." "Maybe you’ve just seen the word in a negative light 'til now." Maybe. "So what’s it mean to you, indifference?" "It means I don’t care what you do, as long as it’s what you want for your heart." Considering the turbulence I'd come to expect as normal in relationships, that made no sense to me. "What if they want to mess with your emotions and drag you on a never ending rollercoaster ride?" "Would never happen." "How can you be so sure?" She leaned forwards, elbows on the table, chin cupped in each hand. "Because I’d be calling a cab the moment we arrived at the amusement park." So you'd leave them. And tell me, how can you say abandoning someone is loving them?" "They’re completely unrelated. I may love you, but that doesn’t mean I have to subject myself to the lessons you’re currently learning." That resonated. "If I see you’re spending your days doing flips, turns, and speeding faster than sound, I’ll gladly show myself the exit and find something a little bit calmer. Why? Because my heart doesn’t need to go on another ride like that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you." Hearing this, I felt that one murky feeling in my heart. Too many times I strapped into a car and said "take me where you may." She continued, "It also means, if you choose another soul over mine, or if you want something different than what I want, if I love you, I’ll be okay with it. I’ll let you go, and most importantly, I’ll learn to let go of my perception of whatever I thought we were or would be. Caging a wild animal so it can bring a smile to your face is a selfish kind of terrorism. This delusion serves no one other than the ego of the owner. That’s the furthest from love love can be, and it’s nothing I’d like to take part in." I sat there in awe. All I knew is wherever she got to in her lifetimes, that's where I desired to be. "That all makes sense. Still, I think you could’ve chosen a more sensitive word than indifference."

I often wonder who Light will appear as next. Sometimes when I meet someone new, I can tell it’s Light. They’ll say something to me so profound.. They wouldn’t even realize the extent to what they just did. It’ll be exactly what I was thinking 5 minutes before we crossed paths, or an answer to a question I put into the Cosmos some time ago. That’s the beauty of The Universe. If I told them what just happened, they may feel like all they did was genuinely want to come tell me this specific phrase from a book they’re reading, but that line in that book at that moment was meant to be heard by yours truly, and the only way it could get from there to here was through your voice at that second. It’s beautiful. I often wonder what I say to others that has this effect. What unknowing channelers we are.

Sometimes our soul contracts are for different purposes than we'd like them to be. I'm learning not to be dismayed by these things. I grew up sheltered and protected. I was looked after. So intensely I failed to look after myself. I guess I determined early on that was someone else’s job. Well, look where that’s gotten me. I’m 24 and I barely know myself. I barely know my needs, I barely realized I was filling with external junk for so long. It’s like trying to complete a puzzle with rocks, some wood chips, a coin, and a drop of water. Now at least, I’m becoming aware of these things. And that's because of Light, and the ways of the Currents. I don’t want to keep repeating the same cycles, it’s not the most ideal way to spend these 100 years. And I imagine The Universe won’t let me sneak past this round of training. I appreciate it while I’m here for all it’s teaching me. But really, I need to be on my way, and I promise this time, I’m not walking backwards.