IN MY House

I had to learn how to let go of my past, learn to love again, and trust. I cannot say that I have fully learned all of those things yet, I let go of my past and the people in it. Out of sight out of mind, trust is given to those who have earned it and I do not trust people too much. Love is tricky, I have my moments where I love myself and other times where I cannot stand to look at myself. This makes it very difficult to fully love someone because if you do not love yourself you cannot truly love anyone else. I have my own issues that need working on, but my spouse issues in my option are much deeper than mine. These are issues that he has never really dealt with and who do you think pays the most for it. He has his diagnosis that he believes is wrong and he does not need help with.

He had a very hard childhood like most of the people I know, he spent most of his life institutionalized and hates to feel like he is not free. His behaviors always make me wonder if his having children and being in a committed relationship is something that is positive for him. Most days he makes me feel like it’s a burden instated of a blessing. I get so angry with him and afraid that if I speak up he is just going to blow up because he does not allow himself to understand what it is that I am going through. How his behavior or his word affect me personally. He feels if women cry it is because she is weak, that she cannot cry over anger or the fact that she is getting tired of it. Do not get me wrong I know that he is still growing and unlike most men it may take him some time, I don’t know if I have that time left to give him. He was taught that he had to depend on himself because his parents abandoned him at a young age. That he must never show his true feelings because that is when people hurt you the most. His heart is full of so much anger and resentment for people that he does not see. He is also stubborn, he believes what he believes and no one can change that. I don’t drought that there is love for me, however, I am not convinced that he really knows how to how love anyone. I have been through emotional hell and back with this man, there are days where I hate him so much that I do not even what to talk to him. Then we have our days where I just want to hold him and let him know that I will not abandon him and will always love him. These are considered the up and downs of a relationship, however, I am not built to deal with the shit sometimes. My mouth can cut juts like his and when you put us both in a room it gets ugly, never physical.

I get tired of making excuses for him, I get tired of waiting for him to what they say man up, tried of him to keep his word. I no longer celebrate the holiday the same, I do not make a big deal out of my birthday since he has forgotten before. I do not celebrate the day he asked me to marry him, I do not even wear the ring anymore. The day we first meet or the day when we deiced to be a couple, he does not see these as a big deal and instead of hurting because of it I just do not think about it anymore. I sometimes feel like that lost child hiding in the closest to see wishing for someone to come to help. I know that I want to make it work and in his own way, he does too. I just don’t think I am going to be able to just hold on to it much longer. I have been alone and perfectly okay with it, I have struggled on my own and am pretty accustomed to it. See that the easy part of working together and holding for the best is the hard part and if I give up on us I give up on my children and what they deserve the most. Because he is the best father in the world and they deserve to have that and more. Do we will see maybe I will walk away someday but not today.