If this is love

I am just sitting here as usual by myself wondering if this marriage will ever work or if I have to leave him. The sad thing is that I am not sure if I am being selfish to my two little kids. Yes, he and I have two little ones and they love him so much and he loves them too.

These lonely nights and days are continuously and no matter what I say or do, it seems like I am wasting my time. So, since I do not want to spend the rest of my life miserable, I have been coming up with different things to do to keep me going. I have accomplished my associate’s degree and soon I will be working on passing my board exam so I can start working.

Now that I am free and still alone but married, I decided to teach myself a new skill. I have to create time to read and write. The only way to clear my head is to keep busy. I keep asking myself if there is someone out there that is going through something similar, but I end up talking to myself and answering my own questions.

It has been six years now since we got married, but the only time we cerebrate is our kids’ birthdays. I do not know how it feels like to be like those couples that complete each other’s sentences or even have a song that we both call our song. We do not like the same movies, we do not share the same interests, and when it comes to love making it is always about him. I do not know if what he does to me is rape or a different kind of love making because I do not like it when he does it without my permission. When I talk to him about it he tells me that we are married and that when he forces me it is not rape.

My thoughts keep going everywhere and I try to keep it together but it is not easy to control. Right now I am not sure if writing about my laundry is bad or good but I feel like I need to talk to someone and maybe I will be able to learn from others after sharing my story. I was told not to talk about our marriage problems but I have gone through so much and I feel like I am about to burst.

If there is someone out there that has gone through something similar, please help me understand because I feel like I am losing my mind and I can no longer talk to any one I know because it never works. I tried counseling but I was always by myself and he promised to come with me but it ended right at his mouth.

How can anyone deal with the lies and betrayal from the same person and continue to stay with that person? I know that is a question most people have and I am one of those people that asks the same questions. I now know why sometimes it is not easy to just pack up leave.

When we first started getting serious earlier in our relationship we promised each other to be open and we agreed to have each other’s passwords. I never had to hide anything at all. I was under the impression that he did not have anything to hide because he gave me his password. When he moved in with me all his habits came with him. He kept all his girlfriends that he used to sleep with and found more girlfriends. He was always lying about everything and was getting caught. I remember him accusing me of bringing men to our apartment and calling me every day when he was at work, asking me who I was with. If I did not answer the phone, it was a problem. If I answered and I was too sleepy to talk, he suspected me and accused me of sleeping around. This man was going behind my back and talking about me in a negative way, yet he was doing all the things he was accusing me of. If that is not crazy then I do not know what to call it.

I remember the times he threw me against the window and pushed my face on the mattress with my nose included and it was very had to breath, then he choked me. I tried to shout for help but no one heard me. My God helped and he took me away from the bed. He was so drunk and the smell of alcohol was too much for me to handle. This was the first time he hurt me and I left him. Unfortunately, I listened to my grandmother who was a consoler for married couples then. I really thought I was supposed to be patient since many women in my community say things like that happen in marriage and you just have to seek counseling and it will help, but this never ended.

When I was pregnant with our first child, he was drinking a lot and was not acting like a normal person. I tried to leave but it was not easy then. He raped me, I called the police and the police never showed up. I t was going to three hours and I thought it was not a good idea to put him in trouble, so I called the police to cancel the call. Then a lot of fights kept on until one day he apologized and I forgave him.

This man waited until I was pregnant again and did the same things again! Why this time when he put his hands on me I called the police and I never canceled the call? I do not know. All I remember was that he was told never to come anywhere near me and that he was going to jail. He slept there for one night and he kept going back and forth as he was scheduled.

I begged the prosecutor to help him with some kind of classes so he can change but it was not easy. One day my request was granted and we went home, then he told me that he had a child before him and I got married and that is when I was really shocked!

The story continues…