If They Don’t Shake Your Soul, It Was Never Love

Have you ever noticed how someone’s simple actions can completely flip your emotional switch? One minute you’re living your best life, and the next, their single text — or lack of it — turns your whole world upside down. It’s funny how we dance around this truth, isn’t it? We call it attachment, we call it connection, we call it anything but what it really is. But I’ve been thinking lately, and I mean really thinking, about what it means when someone holds this kind of power over our emotions.

Think about it. When Buddha said “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection,” he wasn’t just dropping wisdom about self-love. He was hinting at this profound truth about how our emotions get tangled up with others. We’re designed this way — our brains literally wire themselves to sync with people we deeply care about. That’s why a simple text from them can send dopamine rushing through our bodies like we’ve just won the lottery.

Remember that scene in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” where Joel realizes that erasing Clementine won’t solve anything because she’s literally become part of who he is? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. When someone becomes so integrated into your emotional circuitry that their actions can make or break your day, you’re not just “kind of into them” — you’re in deep, my friend.

It’s like that ancient Chinese concept of Yuanfen — this invisible thread that connects people destined to mean something to each other. Once that thread is there, their moods become your moods, their joy becomes your joy, and their pain? Well, it hits you like it’s your own.

But here’s where it gets really interesting — and trust me, I learned this the hard way. If their actions don’t affect you at all, if you can go days without wondering about their smile or their silence, then maybe, just maybe, what you’re feeling isn’t love at all. It’s something else — comfort, convenience, habit, fear of being alone — but not love. Real love changes you at a molecular level.

I remember this relationship I had where everything looked perfect on paper. We had the same interests, similar backgrounds, everyone thought we were ideal together. But when they’d go silent for days? I’d just shrug it off. When they achieved something amazing? I’d feel happy for them, but in the same way I’d feel happy for any friend. That’s when it hit me — if it doesn’t move you, shake you, consume you on some level, it’s not love.

The Sufis talk about love as a fire that burns away everything that isn’t real. And science backs this up — when we’re truly in love, our brains light up like a Christmas tree on an MRI scan. The same areas that activate during physical pain light up when we experience emotional pain from someone we love. That’s not just poetic metaphor; that’s literal, measurable truth.

You know what’s wild? Even Shakespeare got this. When he wrote “the course of true love never did run smooth,” he wasn’t just being dramatic. He was acknowledging this fundamental truth about how real love messes with our emotional equilibrium. And let me tell you about the time I tried to convince myself I wasn’t in love because I thought I was “too evolved” for that kind of emotional dependency. Ha! The universe really had a good laugh at that one.

The Japanese have this beautiful word, “Koi No Yokan” — it’s not love at first sight, but rather the feeling that falling in love with someone is inevitable. It’s like your soul knows before your mind catches up. And when it happens, their every move becomes this elaborate dance that your heart can’t help but follow. Their happiness becomes this sunshine that brightens your darkest days, and their sadness? It’s like this heavy cloud that follows you around until they smile again.

But here’s the real kicker — this isn’t about being weak or losing yourself. The neurochemistry of love shows us that this kind of emotional entanglement actually makes us stronger, more resilient. When someone has this power over your emotions, it’s not because you’ve given away your power — it’s because you’ve become brave enough to let someone matter that much.

I used to think vulnerability was a weakness until I realized it’s actually the most powerful force in the universe. Just look at quantum entanglement — two particles can be separated by galaxies and still affect each other instantaneously. If that’s possible in the physical world, why do we resist it so much in our emotional world?

And let’s be brutally honest here — we’ve all been through those relationships where we tried to convince ourselves it was love because everything looked right on the outside. But deep down, their actions didn’t really move our emotional needle. You know what I mean? Like, they could disappear for days and we’d be totally fine, or they could achieve their dreams and we’d feel the same level of excitement as when our cousin got a new job. That’s not love — that’s just us trying to force a narrative that isn’t there.

I remember reading Rumi’s words: “Love is the bridge between you and everything.” At first, I thought it was just beautiful poetry, but now I get it. When you truly love someone, they become this bridge that connects you to a whole new way of experiencing life. Their joy becomes this gateway to heights of happiness you never knew existed, and yes, their pain becomes a depth of sadness you never thought possible. But that’s the whole point — real love expands your emotional universe.

So here’s what I’ve figured out: when someone’s actions control your emotions, don’t fight it. Don’t label it as dependency or weakness. Instead, recognize it for what it is — a sign that you’ve allowed yourself to love deeply enough to be transformed by it. And if you find yourself in a relationship where none of this rings true? Where their actions barely create a ripple in your emotional pool? Well, maybe it’s time to be honest about what that really means.

Because at the end of the day, love isn’t just about who makes you happy — it’s about who has the power to move you, shake you, break you, and rebuild you. It’s about who makes you feel everything more intensely, whether you want to or not. Everything else? It might be many things, but love? That’s something else entirely. And trust me, when it’s real, there’s no denying it, no matter how hard you try.

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