I Wasn't a 'Pick Me.' I Was a Sociologist in a Schoolyard

Let's be clear: I had zero interest in dating men growing up. Any fleeting crushes were purely about aesthetics—"arm candy," nothing more. I wasn't trying to win anyone's approval.

My entire childhood was a social experiment I didn't sign up for.

Growing up with brothers, my natural state was a tomboy. But I desperately wanted to connect with other girls. So, I became a chameleon:

• I pretended to know Barbie lore after seeing exactly one movie.
• I claimed pink was a favorite color (it was blue, and it still is) to fit in.
• I even tried to play with dollhouses, despite being low-key scared of dolls.

The result? A girl once told me my favorite color was wrong and to "go play with the boys." I was an observer on the outside of both worlds: too "girly" for the boys, too "boyish" for the girls.

This unique position gave me a front-row seat to the "pick me" phenomenon long before it had a name. And here’s what I learned from the sidelines:

1. Men Use Pick-Mes as a Benchmark, Not a Goal

Perceptive men see the "pick me" for what she is: a tool for easy validation. She sets a low bar. By constantly agreeing with them and shaming other women, she makes them feel powerful with zero effort. But she becomes the "easy A"—the benchmark that makes an authentic, challenging woman seem like a more rewarding pursuit. She's the warm-up act, not the headliner.

2. She Makes the Woman She's Attacking Look Better

This is the poetic justice. When a "pick me" tries to elevate herself by putting another woman down in front of a man, it often backfires spectacularly. The man doesn't see the target as lesser; he sees the "pick me" as mean-spirited and insecure, and the woman she's attacking often gains his sympathy and respect by default. She unintentionally becomes the other woman's wingman.

3. It's a Strategy That Actively Works Against Her.

The ultimate irony? The "pick me" thinks she's making herself more attractive, but she's usually making herself invisible as a romantic partner. If a guy buys her act, he sees her as "one of the guys"—a cool bro, a great wingman. She literally friendzones herself from the start. The guys she wants were often looking for a partner, not another pal.

4. It's The Ultimate Low-Tier Man Filter

This is the biggest self-own. The performance assumes men are dumb when reality proves otherwise.

• Mature, high-quality men see the insecurity, the lack of integrity, and the mean-girl mentality from a mile away. It's a red flag, and they quietly exit stage left.
• The act only attracts immature or narcissistic men—the ones who enjoy the validation and having their own misogyny echoed back at them.

So the pick-me strategy is a perfect filter! It screens OUT the good guys and screens IN the wrong ones.

5. The Biggest Red Flag: A Liability, Not a Partner

This is the most crucial point, straight from a good man's mouth: "A woman whose worth is based on male validation is a terrible bet for a relationship."

If her entire sense of worth depends on male attention, what's the guarantee she'll be satisfied with just one man? She is more likely to cheat, either physically or emotionally, because external validation is a bottomless pit. No secure man wants a partner who is constantly performing for and seeking approval from his male friends, coworkers, or strangers. It signals instability.

Men who have done their own internal work and value character above all else are repelled by this behavior. They judge based on authenticity, and the "pick me" is all performance.

My takeaway after years of observation?

The most attractive thing you can be is securely, unapologetically yourself. Not a performance for men, and not a performance for women. Just you. Everything else is just a tactic that guarantees you'll end up with the exact opposite of what you truly want (yes, I’m calling out relationship coaches who have no real credentials).

To be clear—and this is ALL just my honest OPINION: my last line isn’t aimed at licensed mental health professionals like Dr. Alok Kanojia (HealthyGamerGG), who use their psychiatric training and clinical experience to give advice grounded in science and ethics. They handle human behavior responsibly. My aim is at the grifters (Fresh & Fit, Whatever Podcast, SheraSeven, and TheWizardLiz types) who profit from selling pseudoscience and manipulative, often misogynistic or misandrist tactics that prey on pain and insecurity instead of fostering genuine self-worth and healthy relationships. In other words, while most people work toward grounded, balanced lives, these creators teach people to normalize chaos and exploitation.

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PenumbraBytes

This article was written with the help of AI as a creative assistant, guided and edited by me to ensure a personal, thoughtful touch throughout.