I Was Not Prepared For 35

I was unprepared for how I would feel at 35.

First, I turned 34 during quarantine. Besides forcing all my friends to participate in a Virtual Dance Party, there was no other indication of turning a year older.

No awkward office “Happy Birthday”, no obligatory drinks from friends, no bartenders asking me how old I was.

It’s as if 34 didn’t happen.

It was a pause in time.

I remained 33.

Then suddenly I was 35!

It isn’t that I feel old for the first time. That milestone happened in 2006 thanks to the kids in my brother and sister’s first-grade class whispering “she’s 20” in horror when they found out my age.

I don’t have kids.

And it isn’t even that I’m a Geriatric Millennial.

Not technically.

From my minimal internet research, all sources consider me a “non-geriatric”. Those born between 1980 and 1985 are bestowed the honor.

Albeit, I missed the title by three months.

But the same rule applies to me landing year of the tiger (the largest and strongest of the cat family ) over an ox (an animal you eat if it breaks its leg on the Oregon Trail).

Shout out to my fellow ‘86 babies.

What I wasn’t expecting at 35 was the sudden feeling of irrelevancy.

All the pop-culture icons in leading roles and Buzzfeed-themed quizzes are people I’ve never heard of.

Don't even get me started with influencers.

To make it worse, they are supposedly in their 20s which, to my newly-gained 35-year-old eyes, look like they shouldn’t be without parental supervision.

I’m officially the age of the male leads in movies instead of the age of their female counterparts.

I think back to when I was in my 20s, and I remember thinking 35 was old.

Which means I’m officially old to young adults.

My fellow adults think I am old!

To be fair, I know 35 isn’t old.

I'm in better shape than I've ever been and my body feels better than it ever did in my 20s.

Granted, that's thanks to my chronic acid reflex that started two years ago and I have to watch what I eat by default, but I'll take it.

But not being old at 35 is not the point.

Millennials have been in the headlines since the '08 crash.

By the way, there is a large group of young adults that don’t have the phrase “'08 crash" in their vocabulary.

Today, if there is any mention of millennials in the news, it’s about the ones still in their 20s. Even though I’m not geriatric, I’m definitely not a younger millennial.

My age range of millennial isn't even considered millennial anymore.

We've expired.

And the headlines remind me every day.

Perhaps the pandemic made this feel more abrupt. I didn’t get to ease into my mid-thirties. I went from 33 to 35.

It feels like I skipped a year.

I totally understand the whole midlife crisis thing now.

I was super judgemental of men that bought one of those obnoxious, brightly colored Ferraris or Megadeaths (or whatever expensive cars are named).

Now, I’m still really judgemental, but at least I get it.

I feel that same desperation every time I shop at Forever 21 for the weekly date night I have with my husband that will end by 9:00 pm.

I finally understand the name Forever 21.

I try new face creams and hairstyles to seem younger. And for the first time in my life, I have considered botox.

But it doesn’t matter what I do because nothing compares to natural collagen production.

And do you know what 35-year-old women don’t have?

Natural collagen production.

Not a lot of it at least.

I never thought I would be at a point in my life where I’m envious of 20-somethings with natural collagen production.

That’s a thing.

The only thing that brings me joy in those moments of envy is knowing that 20-something will too become irrelevant.

Their time will come.

This isn’t to say I don’t enjoy my 30s.

I fucking love my 30s!

I’m more confident. I am more secure in my career. I get an average of 10 hours of sleep every night.

30s are fucking fantastic.

But that grief of youth and generational relevancy is real.

As is the lack of collagen.

R.I.P

I was NOT prepared.

When it all gets a little too much, I remind my Gen X friends I was born the year they graduated high school.

And then I feel a little bit better.