I revel in cruel.

I knew there was something wrong with me when I was able to zone in on a persons insecurity in seconds of meeting them. I'd consider these nuances of information weapons should I ever want to cause hurt. I used to play psychological games to amuse myself when spending time with friends, torturing them psychologically.

Yup, that's right. My own friends.

It was almost like I could see what they were trying to hide, but I couldn't if they weren't trying to hide it. Does that make sense? Somone standing a bit funny? Nervous about how they look. Keep touching their hair? Concerned it's greasy/doesn't look right. Constant sleeve-pulling? Self harm scars. Constantly pulling down a top? Concerned with their weight. Mini-actions, reactions to words, noises, any external stimuli - usually these revealed intimate feelings as clear as day. I'll give you an example.

This event took place in 2012. One of our group, let's call him Chris, had a horrible overlapping tooth. I don't mean horrible as in, it was horrible to look at; it wasn't. I mean horrible as in it was a minor defect that you could just tell Chris HATED.

Chris hated his overlap. One evening, we were sitting around in a cemetary smoking joints, being teenagers. Just because I was bored, I sucked at my teeth loudly, startling everyone. "God I've got some shit in my teeth somewhere, it's bugging me..." I mumbled to myself. Attention on me fades again. I look up, and wait...

Nobody else in the group has moved, but, right on cue, I see Chris' tongue waggling about under his top lip, caressing his (in his own eyes) greatest weakness. He didn't even know why he was suddenly aware of it, nobody else picked up on it, but just like that, I reminded him of something that killed his mood. He stood there sullen, a bit lost. Anyone else would take pity.

I loved it.

(I could never keep friendship groups for more than four or five years, everyone close to me would always distance themselves from me for some reason, but, and I'd bet my life on this, they'd never know exactly why.)

---

If you were to meet me at face value, after a day you'd probably pick up on some basic characteristics. Charm, wit, intelligence. Spend another day and you'll see care, compassion, calm.

You'll spend maybe a couple of weeks idolizing me, seeing the person you want to be in me, seeing my instinctive good naturedness in the way I do things, how I conduct myself.

Then, one day, in a very rare moment, I'll lose control.

And the true Me emerges.

He is a monster. A vicious, cruel monster, intent on crushing every happy feeling out of anyone nearby, just with words alone.

When I lose control, I become an abusive, psychologically and emotionally manipulative bully. Most psychopaths will not admit this, because most psychopaths are simply unaware of their behaviour - they just see everyone else as they see themselves. What I'm trying to say is, it's in their nature.

It takes a true awakening and awareness of onesself to be able to identify these behaviours as toxic, cruel, inhuman. Psychopaths feel no shame, no empathy and more importantly, no desire to. They use, abuse and step on people for personal gain and they never, ever change.

And this is where I differ.

I AM aware.

I AM awake.

And believe me, I AM ASHAMED.

---

The man I am today is not the man I was back then. I spent many many years of my life an unaware psychopath hell-bent on dominating everyone in my world.

I was fucking disgusting.

Neither did I, for so so long. Today, I've decided to start writing down my life experiences and how they've affected me and forced me to come face to face with my own biggest demon. Yours truly.

I hope you'll stick along for the ride.

CS.