I'm Sorry

Victim, Point of view

Dear.....

Marigolds are used to celebrate the dead....

Falling, falling and more falling. Endlessly falling into a deep pit, surrounded by darkness. Cold.

Still don't get it? Ok, imagine you're in a warm bath. Lights out but candles are lit. It seem relaxing, quiet, calm. Wine sounds good as well right. Yeah, let's just have a glass of wine while relaxing in this warm bath.

Now, unplug the tub. Let the water drain. One by one, slowly blow each candle out. It's completely dark, the warmth you felt before is now gone. You bring your knees to your chest. You shiver from the sudden coldness. The comfort of your alcohol is there but, drowning glass after glass isn't going to save you from the darkness you're in. The feeling is odd...is it not? You felt this feeling before? No? Hm.

Spiraling, spiraling. You're spiraling. You're scared and hurting. Your heart clenches and you're breathing becomes staggered. Walls are caving in. You're losing yourself, you're breaking, cracking the longer you try to hold on the, the more damage. So why won't you just let go? Why? Why are you holding on? What's the point? You're scared of what's on the other side, aren't you? You're scared that Hell is waiting for you? You're waiting for a change? For the pain to disappear? No, you're scared of not being here anymore? Oh, I know what it is. You're scared to hurt your loved ones. You want to let go but you're scared of passing your pain on. Yeah, that's called second hand suicide. You want to end your pain but you know it will cost more damage than what you're feeling so you suffer.

Over time, that feeling began to lose touch, it disappears. It just floats away. Then it's replaced with numbness. You want any emotion not just to be happy, being angry or sad would be better than numb. You don't hurt anymore. The alcohol isn't helping because you feel even worse when intoxicated. You become isolated, withdrew. You suddenly don't do things you used to. You just want to lie in bed, eating snacks while listening to sad music on repeat. Even though you don't feel a thing, somehow you still sob and soak your pillow. "Get up!" "Get out!" "Do something productive." "Do this and do that." They yell at you, they belittle you, they tease you.

"Ah, you're never going to be anything." "You're a disappointment." "Why are you so stupid?" "My God, you're so lazy." "You're not going to make it anywhere with that attitude." None of them stopped and asked how are you feeling today, or if you're Ok? Even if they did, you'll lie and cascade your fakest smile that you mastered. For some reason you'd rather suffer than to lay your burden on the next. It's not like they'll listen, and if they did...will they even understand you or will they just tease you like they have always done?

Invisible force, weighing you down, dragging you. A shackle on your ankle. "I should get help." You think to yourself, but you never did. You never got help. You don't want help but you wishing, hoping that someone, anyone will notice you. Notice your pain, notice your tear-streaked face. Notice your cuts or you constant need to be good enough. You're screaming, screaming for help. Banging on the glass wall that was put between you and the world, hoping you'll break through it. What now?! That feeling...that feeling of having something looking at you through a two-sided mirror laughing at you, teasing you, enjoying your pain. It's like fighting internal demons and voices. The non-stop voices that degrades you so badly. You hear them for so long you began to believe them. Maybe it's you, maybe you're the problem. Maybe it's your fault.

You're beautiful inside and out. You have a roof over head, clothes on your back, shoes on your feet so why do you feel the way that you do? Why do you feel so damn lost and hopeless. You don't know. You just know....that the feeling is there. Even around loved ones and friends you feel....out of place. Sad, and detached. Oh, that's the worse feeling of them all. Not being able to feel the happiness that your love ones feel.

You don't fall into society's standards. You're not the pretty blonde girl with blue eyes. Petite body, small waistline, perfect teeth. And if you are, you still look for your insecurities. Oh according to today's Society you must be thick and have hips, must have full lips and botox to be considered pretty. I guess pretty blondes aren't the standard beauty anymore. You're not the pretty boy every girl fan over. You don't have the perfect, sharp jawline. The 8-pack abs, the muscles or pretty brown eyes. Instead you have green eyes, a 4 pack, not built, skip gym days most time but supplement in a veggie smoothie. You focus on the things you don't have, according to society, instead of focusing on what you do have. You have a beautiful soul, heart made of gold, a smile that can brighten a room, braces or not. A personality that radiates, it will be hard for people to hate you. You're caring and like to help those in need. You would rather suffer than let the next person hurt and that says a lot about you. Even though you had all these things, all these traits you ignored that and let go. You let go, you caved in and gave up. You stopped holding on. Your smile faded and you meet your demise... I'm consensually sorry.

Marigolds are used to celebrate the dead...

Will marigolds be used at my funeral?

Loved one, point of view

Dear....

Marigolds symbolizes peace

You said so yourself, ending your life only passes pain along. How could you? Whenever I close my eyes I see your smile, I see you here with me, I see you the ghost of you. I'm haunted by you. I cried many nights and even prayed for you. You were so caught up in being gone, you didn't realize the joy you brought while you were here. Yeah, I understand because my heart clenches whenever I hear your name. My lip quiver as my eyes soak my sleeves and pillow. There's this constant guilt that I feel. I begin to ask myself, what could I've done to help? Why didn't I notice?

I feel empty, lost. I feel guilty, I feel hurt, I feel angry because look at where you are. Don't say you didn't feel beautiful, I envied your smile your looks. How could you not see what I do? Don't throw that card saying you were fighting demons, when mine are constantly nagging at me saying your death is my fault. You don't get that privilege. That feeling is worse than dying. To be reminded everyday that your death could've been avoided if I would've just listened. You finally got what you wanted so I hope you're happy now. Got so much I want to say,like why didn't you speak up? I was here. Right here! It's the stabbing that I feel, the sharp knife piercing through my heart. The knife being twisted, and dug its way into my beating organ. That day, I watched apart of me leave with you. I'll never be the same knowing what I know now.

There's no medication that can take this pain away. You took the easy way out, you coward! How can you be so selfish. I'm not done talking, can you hear me? Are you listening? I'm sorry for not noticing, I'm sorry for not helping. I should've paid attention. Look at me about to lose my mind, guess I'll finally understand you then huh? Understand why your felt so much numbness. Is this is what you wanted? For me to hurt, for me cry? I was contemplating on doing the same, maybe I'll meet you again, somewhere in the sky? It's the fact that now I'm traumatized, constantly dreaming of you, having night sweats and nightmares. Sometimes I can't even eat without thinking of you. It's been days since I have. Last night we had your favorite. I can't even listen to our favorite song that plays on the radio, without crying.

I get that you didn't fall into society's standards but that doesn't make you any less than human. You were all I needed. All that I wanted. I didn't care about any botox or an 8-pack ab. Was I not good enough? Was my love not good enough, did I not love you enough? Why try so hard to impress everyone else? Did my approval mean nothing? Damn, you're really gone and there's nothing that can be done. Is there a God out there? If so just give me five minutes to talk to them. If I could rewind the clock, just to see your face, just to feel your touch, just to hear your voice. Your sweet, sweet voice. That same voice that somehow caresses my body and feed into my soul. That feeling of hugging you, the feel of your body warmth. I wouldn't take you for granted. I would just silently cry in your arms, or reminscise on the old days. If I had five more minutes, I'll tell you over and over again that I loved you unconditionally. I will tell you, that I hate the fact, you think the world's a better place without you. I will tell you multiple times, up until the last second, that you were enough. You were enough!

Apart me is sad and lost, apart me is trying to recover and move on. Apart of me is mad at you. You didn't' think of the pain you'd caused. Even though my pain is different from yours, it's still pain, nothingless. It's hard carrying this burden on my shoulders and to be honest, I'm having mixed feelings. Half the time I don't even know what I'm saying. See, I'm not making any sense. I can't even walk pass your room, without feeling some type of way. So what do you have to say for yourself? Was it worth it?

I understand that you held on for so long, I understand that you're tired. I understand that you want to rest, so the constant pain can cease, vanish. I understand for because of that, I say rest. Rest easy. It's ok to let go. I understand if you want to be free. It will hurt, but if it means that you're happy then fly, go be free.

We laid flowers at your funeral that day. I'm regretfully sorry.

Marigolds symbolizes peace...

hope you're resting peacefully.