I Just Wish They Understood

There are a lot of hard things in life.

One of those things is being poor. Living paycheck to paycheck but not really, because you know you're going to overdraw your account 3 or 4 days before payday. So, living paycheck to paycheck but just barely.

Because things happen - they always do - and you're family has to come first.

Because you budget every paycheck and are relieved to see you have enough but then... you don't.

Because now you're on food stamps and it's such a blessing because now you shouldn't overdraw your account because you should have enough and even if you don't at least now you don't have to worry about food. About choosing food over bills. About not having enough to even make that choice.

Because, even then, you end up with unexpected expenses. Because you run out diapers sooner than you thought. Because your pet gets sick and you have an unplanned vet visit. Because the car needs something fixed. Because the car always needs something fixed.

And you feel burdened with guilt because you're not working - you're staying home with the kid. Because you're mental health was at risk when you were working. Because the cost of child care is so high that you'd be working just to pay for that and still be living paycheck to paycheck.

Because you only have one car, and gas prices are too high, and your spouse has to commute to work 30 miles every day and then back because you couldn't find affordable housing close to his job. So trying to add another job to that mix and daycare means more driving, more gas, more wear and tear on a car with over 250,000 miles that shouldn't keep going but does but you know it's because you keep putting in the money to fix it.

And you still feel guilty. Even though logically it makes sense, financially it makes sense - you not working and staying home to take care of the kid - you still feel terrible. Because it's your fault your family is in this situation. Because you couldn't keep it together. Because you said you'd be in charge of finances. Because you just want to be okay, but you also just want to be financially stable. Because you feel like a burden. Because you keep making the wrong choice.

Yes, it's hard.

But what makes it even harder is when people don't get it. When people in your life who love you and care for you just don't understand.

Because they've never known that feeling. Because they've never lived that life, never had to live paycheck to paycheck. And for those who have been there... it's been so long and they're so much better off now that they have forgotten what it feels like.

And so they invite you to things: parties, outings, activities. And they get confused when you ask for a ride or try to arrange a different time or say you can't make it.

Because you don't have the gas money to spare to get there. Because you don't have the money to pay for you and your kid to go to that place or eat that food.

And you stop telling them the reasons. Because it's awkward and uncomfortable. Because it hurts and makes you cry. Because the thought of your child going to an activity and watching everyone else partake while they can't because you don't have enough money is heartbreaking. So you don't go, because you know you'll overdraw your account to avoid your child feeling that way, to avoid hurting your own heart, all the while worrying about how your spouse is going to pay for the gas to get to work for the next few days.

So you say you can't make it and you make up an excuse. Because you don't want their charity or their "generosity". Because you don't want them to feel any sort of obligation. Because you aren't asking for help.

You're just asking for them to understand. And they can't.

And that's really hard.