I Had to Hurt Someone I Love

"Accept that you deserve more / than painful love / life is moving / the healthiest thing / for your heart is / to move with it"

(Rupi Kaur )

the beginning

I, like many people in their twenties, have managed to accumulate a list of past romantic partners. As far as I'm aware, it's not uncommon to be jumping around to who you think will love you best, provide you the most attention or care, and help move your life forward the most.

Seems advantageous in some respect, right?

And that's exactly what I found myself doing. I moved through the motions of dating people who I knew weren't the right fit for me, in relationship styles that I didn't agree with or believe in, and settling in for the long haul just because I thought so little of myself that I didn't think I had another choice.

Sitting here now, I realize just how much I compare myself to other people and their relationships, often in the past thinking that I wouldn't be happy or fulfilled if I wasn't also in a 'loving' long-term relationship. I had friends having children, getting engaged, even some getting married, and I would often feel like I was falling behind. I'm sure you can relate to that in some way.

The man I hurt loved me. But I didn't love myself, I didn't love who I was becoming, and I needed to heal.

why

I hurt them because I now know what I am capable of becoming. I knew that I had never gotten the opportunity to explore myself, to figure out what I needed and wanted, to plan for MY future, have MY own goals, regardless of someone I'm with.

Call it my "Eat, Pray, Love" moment, if you will.

The point of this article is... I spent the better part of a week going on walks with my journal, jotting down any and all notes on what I want my life to look like, what partner I'd like to have, where I'd like to live, what I'd like to do, and who I'd like to be. THIS is what I am now encouraging every single person to do. THIS is making me want to start a podcast or YouTube channel on self-love, acceptance and visualization. THIS is where your power comes from - knowing what you want, and making decisions that align yourself correctly with where you would like to go.

If we go through our lives just saying 'sure,' or 'yeah I guess so,' then we don't propel ourselves forward into the amazing life we have envisioned for ourselves, we remain stagnant and stuck.

Yes, I hurt the man I loved. But I'll be damned if it wasn't for a good reason.

what the future will look like

It will haunt me, probably forever, that I had to hurt a man who wanted nothing but the best for me, but was incapable of giving me the love that I knew deep down in my heart that I needed to be truly happy for the rest of my life.

I do not regret a single thing, and if you are going through the same situation, neither should you.

I plan on travelling, on asking the universe for things that I'd like to attract into my life, and rolling with the punches. I plan on making a bucket list and crossing things off, outlining my day before it starts, meditating, watching inspiring creators on my favorite platforms, and ultimately, becoming a better version of myself.

If you'd like to follow along with me on this journey, stay tuned for more posts - they're gonna come sooner than you think!

XX LC