I Had a Mental Breakdown on New Year's Eve

POV. It’s New Year’s Eve. I’ve just moved into my new apartment. It’s three streets away from my old place so I decide that instead of hiring a cab like any normal person, I’d just make multiple trips back and forth until I’ve moved everything. It’s -5 degrees outside, there's snow from earlier the day on the ground, in some places solidified as ice. I’m bone tired after making seven trips, my shoulders aching and I have a sharp pain in my lower back undoubtedly from hefting four packed suitcases and a sh*t ton of boxes up three flights of stairs.

Now, it's 11PM, I’m getting settled and the first thing I decide to do is set up my internet. I unwrap my modem and look to the quirky “Do It Yourself” instructions attached by my internet service provider. And I follow them to the T. It doesn’t work. Unplug. Try again. Same result.

According to the trusty pamphlet provided by my ISP, six symbols are supposed to be lit up, stable. It’s so easy, anyone can do it. Only three symbols light up, all of them flickering. I wait 30 minutes. Still flickering. I panic. Scour the web for instructions on what the f*ck to do. Find my ISP’s troubleshooting website and follow the protocol five times through. Tighten cords. Unplug. Reset. Change outlets. Unplug. Reset. Repeat. NOTHING.

Finally, I don’t know what comes over me, but I just start crying. I mean really crying. Like ugly crying. Complete with throaty sobs, snot and repeated mutterings of “I don’t know what to do”. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. The sobs continue. I don’t know what to do. I cry and cry until I can’t cry anymore, until my eyes are rubbed raw and my throat feels like sandpaper. I swear, my neighbours probably think I’ve gone mad. What a way to ring in the new year. 2021, everybody!

I don’t cry often and usually it’s not over something as trivial as a busted modem. Sh*t like that happens every day. If anything it shows me that I need to cry more because as I was sobbing profusely, my mind kept shifting to all the other things that had happened recently that I just shoved down. Like the intense argument I had with my mom a few days earlier that ended with her yelling at me and calling me an asshole. Like the fact that we're back in lockdown again. Like missing Christmas and New Years with my family. In the end, it was a cathartic experience.

Anyway, I didn’t draft this post just to expose how absurdly emotional I am. I wanted to speak about my amazing friend who indulged me crying about a wifi modem and didn’t burst out laughing or completely disregard my reason for crying. She listened without judgement, allowed me to rant (on New Year’s Eve no less) about my crappy ISP and their crappy “simple” instructions and my crappy interaction with my mom and at the end she simply said “I’m so sorry that you feel this way. It’s okay that you feel this way. I know that everything will work out. I’m always here if you need to talk more.”

Sometimes, all you need is a empathetic ear and someone to respond with loving-kindness to your problems, no matter how small they may seem. Even if the conversation doesn't necessarily solve your issue. It's almost too easy to forget the impact that truly good friendship has on our lives and our levels of happiness.

My wifi still doesn’t work if anyone was wondering. At all. I had to stay on the phone this morning for two hours with a representative, only to be referred to the technical department who, after 30 mins of back and forth, finally (finally!) decided to send someone over. They’re coming today. This might resolve the problem or it might not. Either way, it’s all good in the hood. After the amazing conversation with my friend, my body has released all lingering anxiety over this situation. I even sucked it up and called my mom to reconcile some of the differences that led to our aforementioned intense argument.

Happy New Year everyone! May your 2021 also be filled with friends who don't bat at eyelash when you call them at midnight sobbing because your modem just won't act like a modem.