I Don't Know What Masculinity Is Anymore

Will my friends think I’m a “whiny bitch” if I write about being depressed? Will girls think I’m weak for publishing my insecurities? What is a “man-child”, really? Am I one? I don’t have a fancy car, an emerging startup, or a Rolex, am I on pace for eternal mediocrity? Am I bound for incel-dom since I have social anxiety?

My doubts really try to get me where it hurts.

These thoughts and more all race through my head before I publish any article that might make me appear as a less than strong man, which, ironically, is a risk in most of the articles I write. I know it’s a cognitive distortion, but anything that threatens the security of my veil of stoicism causes me an unsettling amount of internal distress.

As a writer, I do my best to unmask and reveal my anxieties to my reader but is still difficult. Though traditional masculinity encourages men to mask distress with statue-like stoicism, my writing would be pretty boring without my feelings — especially the anxious ones. However, it’s these same feelings that can make me appear weak, whiny, and unattractive to both my friends and the opposite sex.

Masculinity has created an internal war in my brain and I’m fed up with it.

Society (well, at least me — I’m society here) is at a crossroads with masculinity. Socially, we’re evolving past traditional masculinity and heading towards a new, redefined masculinity that’s more progressive, less painful, and all-around an easier ideology to get behind.

But there are problems with this new masculinity as well. Modern masculinity is new and fragile — but of course, so is traditional masculinity. There are problems with all forms of masculinity because these forms of masculinity are not just about masculinity. They’re also about control, politicization, and repression.

Modern Masculinity Is Stuck

Nowadays, it seems like everyone has some sort of idea for how a man is supposed to look and behave. A “real man” does this. A “real man” does that. A “real man” does whatever fits the argument at the time.

Our desire to control men and generalize masculine behavior has split culture into two parties that believe that men today are either “weaker than ever” or “repressed by toxic masculinity”. Obviously, this is more of a spectrum than a two-party system, but most people you talk to will either lean towards the “men are weak” or the “men are repressed” party lines.

I used to hear some progressive women say that, “women do not exist to please men, but rather to complement them”. Basically, this idea is that men and women need each other, but I don’t know if that’s right either. Even this attempt at inclusion is ignorant of the deeper aspects of the crisis of masculinity.

Do gay men “need women”? Do lesbian women “need men”? What about trans people? Does anyone need anyone? Do we all need each other?

But maybe I’m making the problem worse. Maybe my liberal arts degree — I recently read an article saying that men who are “man-children” are more likely to have liberal arts degrees — is conflating the way that I view reality and making me unable to see how the world truly is. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, but honestly, I sometimes feel a bit more like a beagle than a pit bull.

Maybe I just need to clean my room or something.

What Is The Future Of Masculinity?

“Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.” — G. Michael Hopf

Unfortunately, I don’t think the problem with men today is that we’re too strong. I think that the problem with men today is that we’re stuck trying to appease both the toxic principles of traditional masculinity and the progressive ideas of new-age masculinity. We’re not too strong, but we’re not too weak either, we’re too confused.

Masculinity is at a crossroads. In the wake of the #MeToo movement, men’s worst behaviors have been put on blast, but I don’t know if I believe that men are on a linear path to be better than we’ve ever been. Instead, I believe that men today are more lost than we’ve ever been. We know what society says is wrong with us, but we don’t know what to do about it.

There are plenty of cultural messages that suggest what a modern man looks like, but there is no collective and there is no acceptance of versatility. We’re trapped between the two tales of masculinity: traditional versus progressive. Also known as liberal versus conservative.

And therein lies the problem.

If men become more sensitive, we risk appearing weak in the eyes of those who have beliefs rooted in traditional masculine norms. If men choose to be stronger or more assertive, we risk becoming agents of toxicity. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t, it just depends on who you talk to.

As a Young Man, You Have a Responsibility

The future of masculinity has little to do with the traditional gender roles created by society in order to maintain masculine leadership. It’s not really up for discussion whether or not traditional masculinity is toxic for mental health, but what is up for debate is just how much of the new masculinity one is allowed to adopt before a man becomes too weak to thrive in society.

This conundrum is the root of the politicization of masculinity.

To those who hold liberal beliefs, just saying that men could become “too weak” makes it sound like I want men to shut up, accept our suffering, and just deal with the pain of life. It makes it sound like I believe that men who are sensitive are weak. It makes it sound like I’ve been brainwashed by toxic masculinity or that I voted Republican — probably for Donald Trump.

But in reality, modern masculinity is far more complicated than just “feeling your feelings” or “being a real man”. It’s the politicization of masculinity that has made men more lost than ever. If you’re conservative, your manhood is defined by how big your truck is. If you’re liberal, you’re a “fruit loop”. I’m oversimplifying and taking jabs here, but so are the political pundits who use terms like “man-child”, “incel”, “predator”, or “monster” to dictate the behavior of men who already don’t understand what to do about experiencing lack of a sense of belonging.

In some aspects, masculinity is a social construct. That should not be a political statement, but in modern society, it is. It’s a left-leaning political statement. Yet, it’s also true. Some aspects of masculinity are just made up. Instead of using that fact to springboard development, it’s typically used to start arguments about social constructionism — see every Joe Rogan podcast with Jordan Peterson as an example.

If we accept that masculinity is partially made up, doesn’t that mean we can “remake” parts of it?

That’s why young men have a responsibility to dictate the future of masculinity. Most of the qualities (especially the negative ones) that we attribute to toxic masculinity are made up, which to me means that we have the ability to change the socially constructed ideas that lead men to higher rates of suicide, substance abuse, and early death.

So, can we do it? Can we really redefine masculinity? Can we remove politics from identity?

First, we have to learn to love those that we hate.

Closing Thoughts

Male role models on the internet, television and other forms of popular media are creating a social landscape for men that simultaneously reinforces the toxic narratives of traditional masculinity and the overly simplistic narratives of modern masculinity that encourage quitting and weakness.

Male figures like Jordan Peterson are kind of offering good ideas about how to improve masculinity, but they’re also creating a new definition of masculinity that is dividing people rather than unifying them. This is in part due to philosophical differences, but it’s also due to the politicization of masculinity.

The cultural constructs of gender identities are further dividing men, women, and all humans alike. To be honest, I don’t really know what the solution is.

However, I do see a future for masculine behavior in society. It’s up to the future generation of men and women to create a definition of masculinity that is built around empathy, strength, and resilience, not just our political party lines. The future can remove the toxicity from masculinity, but first, we must develop the self-awareness to love our enemies and ourselves.

That is easier said than done.