I am the walking dead

StarI am the walking dead.

I have no emotions, none, they were wiped out by my marriage. Feelings are for the weak and I have proven beyond a doubt I am not weak.

Other people's pain I understand and help them with. Anger scares me, it literally terrifies me but you would not know that. I am emotionless.

I am devoid of the ability to cry, funerals only affect me in the fact other people are hurting.

My emotional well-being left a long time ago. I can't show emotions or I will be beaten, sexually assaulted or mentally abused. I am dead!!!!

Death walking, that's me. The last time I cried was when my little brother died. The pain was overwhelming but the tears stopped abruptly. The ex came onto my deck and tried to cuddle me. Said I won't touch you I promise! I eventually thought I need that cuddle. I have died a thousand deaths since that supposed cuddle. My brother just dead and he assaulted me. Breasts grabbed and squeezed hard. Arse grabbed. I fought him off. I am dead! I am truly dead!

My mum died, a friend called me cold. I can't show my emotions even to myself, the fear of emotions is strong. I am the walking dead!

Emotionally devoid, depleted, wanting to die each day.

I am the living dead. The ex was gone by now but I was still dead, scared to reach out from the void. I am dead!

My house I love was sold. I went elsewhere. The police involved helping me move on. I am starting to feel. But, I am still dead!

It's two years since the police removed him from my house. I still grieve for my house even though it holds so many bad memories. I am not DEAD!

I am living. My emotions are still recovering. I still have trouble crying or reacting to things. My emotional well-being is still not the best. I am not dead!

That human is now going.

2 years and 3 months later. I have fingernails. I have always coped well in spite of wanting to die so my kids are safe, on the past I am glad I held on.

I am not dead.

My spider phobia is almost non existent now. My fear of anger is dissipating. I don't jump and hide or just go numb and wait for it. I am not dead.

I am learning to cry again. It takes kids shows and Kdramas to get me to cry. One day I may cry again on a personal level. I worry, will the tears stop flowing when I do? I think they will. I will still have the nightmares I am guessing. I still have days and nights when I live in fear but this is lessening slowly. I am happy now, though a tad lonely, I am guessing I will stay this way though. I will never trust again but maybe I will.

If I form a relationship please shoot me, no, I just won't, I am happy.

I AM ALIVE!!

Julie Aimsley