I Am Lost

I wrote my first entry yesterday and found my mind ease somewhat in months. Instead of fixating on my start of the year mistake or goals I fussed over how long I should make each or whether or to keep writing this. I should explain also I wish to become an Author and have been writing basically underground for 5 years now.

Regardless, I found myself at a road block in my current story when my mind reminded my for hundredth time this year of Vocal after first stumbling across it and half-heartedly submitting an entry into a competition.

In the back of my mind I've figured that writing competitions or anything writing related that was public that I put myself into may result in a start of publicity or getting my name out there in some way but my ambition in that regard is lacking and consistently inconsistent.

I truly had a sense of accomplishment finishing my first 'book' (bad Star Wars Fan Fiction) when I was younger and following that finishing my first trilogy finally last year and starting my new idea has been keeping me going or focused on something since last year till now but yesterday caused to say I don't know about where I should take my story and I retreated to here. Suppose it's easier writing about something I know utterly and truly rather than something I'm creating and understanding myself. :/

Anyway, why I am lost is since Covid in Australia is now all but gone from my local area and everything has reopened... something died inside when I turned 20. I know that since I 'completed' my goal of becoming 'worthy' that I let everything slip backwards, in truth I said to myself around late November, "Yeah, Good Enough".

At this time my birthday was 3 weeks of so away and the laziness got hold of me slowly but surely. It was made worse by the fact I wished to enter the Army Reserve whilst under the guise I was still working my apprenticeship to my family but ultimately I was rejected due to childhood anxiety labelling me unfit and my parents found out and lost their collective shit at me.

Less so for leaving the job since I told them I was unhappy and wanted to leave, my Mother was understanding, my Dad less so. However, I decided to leave thinking I could keep up the charade of leaving the house at night time and sleeping in my car somewhere else they wouldn't find me.

I got about 2 and a bit weeks in before I couldn't produce my uniform to be washed since I had to return it after leaving the bakery and had told my parents I was washing them myself but started getting lazy with my lies and lacking the uniforms I cracked under pressure and told my Mom first then rung up my Dad immediately afterward.

From that moment I started punishing myself internally for doing such a thing whilst beginning the search for another job and feeding into bad habits of mine that costed me money and self esteem. This point in my life is dark but I've had darker.

Going through high school was good split but up my defining hurt and self torment for me that stays with me to this day but I'm getting off topic.

Feeding my dark thoughts and self hatred to the point I believed I was truly a bad person and needed to correct everything that is wrong with me forced me to train at my boxing gym whenever possible as a worthwhile use of my time rather than fucking around with my friends between looking for a job and 'fixing' the bad in me.

To my mind I was a lying, out-of-wedlock bastard that needed to fix every aspect of his person and deserved nothing less than the worst at the time. I hated myself and the hurt I caused all my family members for lying.

My Mom hates liars and has ended friendships after finding out they lied to her but told me straight, "I won't cut you out of my cause you're my son." whilst I shut myself off from Dad since I found it hard to look him in the eye afterward. I even started growing angrier each time he approached me because I wanted him to stay from his horrible son but parents love their children despite their actions.

I eventually relented and opened myself to him again but still knew I deserved less than forgiveness. I was a failure to my parents and grandparents, it sucked and I'm glad to be out of that mindset but that phase has left it's impact.

After finding a well paying retail job close to my house, my thinking changed to 'this is my reconciliation'. I made myself recover all the money I spent from the 7 weeks I wasn't working and within a month in this job, I did and was offered a part-time contract with sick and holiday pay days apart.

That was and is the only legitimate goal I had completed this year, other than that the closest I have come is cutting Soft Drinks from my diet and trying and failing to stick to 3 meals a day. But I am slipping on the Soft Drinks and being a guts whenever a plethora of food is before me doesn't help.

So now, today, 1st June 2021, I have zero goals, personal or career wise, possibilities to go and try realistically anything but all I do is work and stick myself in my room because at home all I worry about is the house chores and my family.

When I work and my mind wonders I criticise myself about everything I'm doing wrong and leave work feeling worse than when I went in and say to myself I'll do this and that tomorrow but all I do is wake up, maybe write part of a chapter, fuck around with MTG and work.

Last year, I was training everyday, waking up at ungodly hours and working with bitter old men who hates themselves whilst I was thriving with the limited time I had.

I need more responsibility I tell myself, keep me busy and away from distractions but when I ask myself what can I do, a voice says, "You can do X or Y." But it seems fruitless, purposeless. I'm only 20 years old with an enormous mound of expectation and pressure on myself to do something great but that mound is shunted aside by videos or MTG or whatever is easy.

The hardest thing I do is worry about the future and stress myself out thinking about everything I'm not doing while dicking around at the same time or bored at work since I'm going nowhere fast.

I'm rambling but this time last year I was someone going places, I believe. Now the train has derailed and no one can fix it.

To anyone who does read this, thank you and till next time, I suppose.