I Am A Man

Growing up as the girliest of girly girls makes it hard to see my change. I am transgender. I grew up on Justin Bieber, One Direction, Hannah Montana, ect. I was the ditzy, frilly, dancing in the outfield, girl. For the longest time I never knew what was actually meant to be “different”. I never knew growing up that liking girls was “different”. I never knew that what was deep down inside, was “different”.

Although I was such a girly girl, I always identified as a tom-boy. I liked guy things too. Including most of the music my dad grew up on. Me and my dad were two peas in a pod. Though we didn’t have the best communication, no matter what we could always have a good time together. And growing up I thought that wasn’t very “normal” to be as girly as me and bond so well with my father.

At age seven, my father got custody of me over the person I call, my incubator. My biological mother abandoned me and it took till I was 16 to really push her out of my life and even then I still barely knew who I was. I only knew I didn’t need her manipulative acts in my life. I feel some of whom I am now is because of her. Of course what she put me through definitely has made me who I am, but I mean, I am who I am out of spite towards her in a way.

I think more of being trans is also how I have been treated as a female. Relationship wise. My first real boyfriend didn't respect me saying no to sex. He kept pushing. My second boyfriend made sex all about him once a certain turn in our relationship went. My first girlfriend broke up with me after a week because I wasn’t a certain way. A small fling with a guy also didn’t respect me. Made it about him, and pressured me. Not only to make matters worse on myself I had two friends with benefits. One of which treated me like the flavor of the week. The other didn’t respect my boundaries and my pain tolerance. So my whole relationship experience made me feel like a body. Like I was just something usable. Like I wasn’t needed for anything more.

I always knew I liked girls but I never really thought it was possible to date or love one romantically. I knew at the age of 12-13 that I liked girls. It was softball. Watching strong young women taking charge and running around. Whoa, talk about hormones. But It wasn’t till high school that I finally self identified as Bisexual. Then I dated my best friend for a week and lost the initiative to ask any female out.

I went through a really bad time between 2018-2020. I had one of my longest and most toxic relationships. Though he had no addition to my dislike of my feminine side, he did have a part in why I feel so damaged and broken. He did help me on my way to finding myself. He took 2 years of my life and I wish I could get them back. Though looking on the bright side, everyone has led me to the right path. To the person who I am, and the person who I want to share the rest of my life with.

When I met my fiancé , I was with my ex. So was he. We hit it off pretty quickly and helped each other out of the toxicity. Now seeing the right side of a relationship and of humankind, we are engaged after four months. I know how you must think now. Too soon, right? Well, honestly I believe that we are meant to be and life can be cut short so why wait?!

He has been the beat thing. That has ever happened to me. I got back into writing. Something my ex stole from me four years ago. He makes me feel like one in a million and inspires me to be better. We are currently trying to help each other work on our bad habits. Like procrastinating, spending habits, eating habits, ect.

With my last boyfriend, he opened my shell up more and I thought I was non-binary. I liked the male pronouns and nicknames and such, but same with the feminine ones. And the idea of changing myself physically didn’t sit well with me.

Talking with my fiancé really made me think. He’s only known me as my male name. I have always preferred the male pronouns and nicknames and compliments. But he made me dig really deep and suddenly it hit me. I am a man.

I just thought that, oh I’m too girly to be a man. But all thought I have seen the most girliest guys, it didn’t hit me. Guys can be girly. Guys can be soooo girly. It just didn’t dawn on me that I was that gay guy. That I was like them. Yes, it’s different for everyone but I never thought it could be me, too.

Now with my newfound identification. Things are difficult. It’s hard to tell my family. They grew up in a different era and don’t necessarily get it. Of course they support it, support me. But I don’t know how to describe it so they understand let alone call me a different name.

Not only my family, but all I want is the validation to be able to walk into a men's room. To not be miss gendered and have to explain it. Though I am happy to know myself better, there are so many more struggles that come with it. One day I hope that I will be able to stand up and shout, I am a man!