How Your Early Experiences Shape The Way You Love

Each of us have different nuances in how we prefer to receive and give love in a relationship. Most of you may be familiar with the work "The Five Love Languages", some people enjoy giving gifts to show love and appreciation, while others prefer quality time or conversation. Psychologists differ on why we gravitate towards certain love behaviors while in a relationship but most will concur that how we experience love in our early years directly impacts the way we love when we mature into adults. Some of these experiences are positive while others may be negative, and at times be unhealthy to the point of bordering on abuse.

It is important to recognize how events shape the way we behave in relationships in order to create healthier, long lasting partnerships, friendships, and families.

Five Love Styles According To Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich, and What They Say About Your Childhood

There are more than five love styles recognized by psychologists and but in pop psychology, five main categories are widely recognized. These five love styles were popularized by the research and writing of Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich. Today we will look at the five and see which category you may fall into, and how to use that information to create better relationships with those in your life.

1). The Avoider

The Avoider may come off as aloof and cold. Often times they maintain a distance even with those who they love deeply. When others get too emotional, The Avoider will become uncomfortable. The Avoider values personal space, alone time, and is not know to be overly affectionate.

If you are The Avoider, you most likely grew up in a household or family unit that did not show a lot of physical affection and/or interaction. Your family valued independence and self reliance. When hurt or upset, you may not have been consoled and comforted by those around you (emotionally or physically).

You may experience challenges showing emotions, asking for help, or accepting large displays of affection because you learned that to survive, you needed to suppress your feelings and discomfort.

On the positive side, you are responsible, reliable, and self sufficient. You remain composed during tough times and often become the stoic rock of your family unit.

One thing The Avoider can improve on is to try to say how they feel and ask for help from those around them.

2). The Vacillator

The Vacillator is a bit wishy washy, has some commitment issues, and goes back and forth on beliefs and opinions. The Vacillator often has difficulty executing and making decisions. The Vacillator keeps an idealized image of their partner and relationship conditions. This is good until the partner falls off their pedestal or conditions become challenging. Then The Vacillator has a tendency to bail on both the person as well as the relationship.

In childhood, The Vacillator most likely experienced a large amount of stability. Many times you may have lived through situations where a parent or caretaker should have been there but wasn't. The Vacillator was rarely the top priority for those who were supposed to provide them security and stability. The Vacillator can tell quickly when someone is pulling away or behaving differently which scares them as it implies abandonment.

The Vacillator is loyal, dedicated, and believes in the best in those around them. Forgiveness is The Vacillator's middle name. More than anything The Vacillator desires love and security.

To create healthier relationships, The Vacillator can start putting themselves first every now and then. Relying on themselves instead of others. Also, not taking things too personally. Just because your partner is quiet today doesn't mean they are planning on leaving you. They may just be tired.

3). The Controller

The Controller desires to limit their exposure to fear, humiliation, and vulnerability. The Controller does embrace the feeling of anger and has no issue expressing it.

The Controller most likely experienced some level of harm in their early years and no one was there to protect them. The Controller learned to protect themselves with anger so as not to experience harm.

The Controller acts with preciseness, predictability, and rationality. The Controller likes to keep a schedule and order within a household. The Controller will be punctual and clean.

The Controller struggles with feelings of vulnerability while in relationship because it opens them up to experiencing the hurt of being harmed.

The Controller can improve their relationships by recognizing that just because they experienced pain the past, it does not mean that everyone around you wants to see you hurt. Learning to trust their partner is key in healing for The Controller.

4). The Pleaser

The Pleaser is always focused on making other's happy even at their own expense. Always putting other's needs first. The Pleaser is very aware of the feelings of those around them and when people around them are upset or angry The Pleaser will try to do anything to satiate and make the other people feel better. The Pleaser hates conflict and is prone to lying to avoid conflict and struggles to say no.

The Pleaser in early childhood may have had a parent who was overly strict or who had high expectations to the point of being unhealthy. The Pleaser would often times be the comfort to the parents and their parent's reactions instead of the opposite. The Pleaser learned to lie in order to not experience an adverse reaction from their parents or other caretakers.

The Pleaser is a crowd favorite, adept at entertaining, and enjoys making people feel good. The Pleaser speaks with good words and empathic.

The Pleaser struggles with telling the truth in order to avoid a negative reaction from those around them which causes The Pleaser's partners to not trust them.

The Pleaser can work towards having healthier relationships by committing to telling the truth to those around them and their partners can assist in this by controlling negative reactions to the truth when the truth is not what they want to hear.

5). The Victim

The Victim will often find themselves in a relationship with The Controller. The Victim personality type is used to being submissive and complying with the wishes of others. The Victim finds it comforting to just get by.

The Victim most likely grew up around angry and/or violent parents and caretakers. The Victim learned to be compliant and at times escape into another world through imagination or escapism like books or TV to avoid the world around them.

The Victim is polite, well behaved, and can entertain themselves. The Victim maintains a go with the flow attitude to keep the peace.

The Victim has a tendency to mentally "check out" of situations and may seem distant or like they are in another world. The Victim has trouble establishing personal boundaries.

The Victim can work towards establishing healthier relationships by communicating their needs to their partners, establishing clear boundaries with those around them, and taking an honest look at their life and circumstances and asking themselves, "Is this what I really want"?

Final Thoughts:

These five personal types are not a one sized fits all type of categorization as I think we can all recognize certain types that fit us or someone we love. The biggest takeaway is identification, reflection, and action. Identify who we may be, reflect on our own behavior, and take action towards healthier relationships by creating new healthy behaviors.