How to Win People Over Without Pleasing

American psychologist William James once said, “The deepest human need is the desire to be affirmed.” Many people mistakenly believe that to win others’ favor or influence their behavior, they must lower their guard and constantly appease others. However, in reality, the more one tries to please, the more likely the other person will become bored or even dismissive.

In Australia, interpersonal relationships are valued based on equality and respect, rather than appeasing others to gain their approval. True “influence” is not achieved by sacrificing oneself, but by cleverly activating the other person’s psychological instincts.

Have you ever had this experience:

While binge-watching a TV series, if an episode suddenly cuts off at the climax, you can’t wait to watch the next one; or when reading a book, the author leaves a cliffhanger at the end of a chapter, and you stay up late just to read a few more pages.

That “I can’t stop until it’s finished” feeling is a perfect example of the Zeigarnik Effect. It tells us that people are naturally preoccupied with unfinished tasks.

If you can apply this psychological mechanism in social interactions, you don’t have to abase yourself to make others come to you and value you.

The Practical Application of the Zeigarnik Effect:

The Zeigarnik Effect was discovered by psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik through experiments. She found that people tend to remember unfinished tasks much more clearly and have a strong desire to complete them. In other words, it’s as if our brains have a “to-do list,” where unfinished tasks continuously occupy our attention until they are resolved.

For example, let’s say you help a colleague solve a problem. Instead of giving them a complete solution all at once, you provide a few key ideas and leave some parts unsolved. This will prompt them to follow up and thank you for your help.

This approach uses the Zeigarnik Effect to create a sense of incompleteness in the other person’s mind, making them appreciate you more and prompting them to engage more actively.

Why the Zeigarnik Effect is More Effective than Pleasing or Appeasing:

1. Excessive appeasing diminishes your value

Over-appeasing others can lead them to take your efforts for granted, lowering your value in their eyes. In Australian culture, independence and respect are highly valued, so using excessive effort to win a relationship is not ideal. The Zeigarnik Effect, on the other hand, creates a sense of rarity by making the other person feel that you are worth their time and attention.

2. Appeasing leads to boredom

Sometimes, over-accommodating can lead to feelings of boredom. If you’re constantly subservient in a relationship, you may lose the other person’s interest. A little space and distance can make the relationship more appealing and valuable.

3. Pleasing drains your energy

To fit in, you might go overboard helping colleagues with things like picking up food or writing reports, but only to be seen as a “free laborer.” By applying the Zeigarnik Effect, you could help out but leave parts of the task unfinished, saying, “The remaining part may need to be handled by you.” This will show your respect for your time and prompt others to be more appreciative of you.

4. Pleasing hides your true self

By applying the Zeigarnik Effect, you can maintain an air of mystery, making others more interested in you. In social settings in Australia, people often keep some of their private habits and thoughts to themselves. This can make them more attractive, as they seem less predictable and more unique.

5. Pleasing is a one-sided effort

Many successful people understand that the key to maintaining relationships is not through constantly seeking attention, but by creating an appropriate sense of distance and attraction. For instance, in the workplace, some managers maintain “appropriate distance” from their employees, which results in employees respecting them more.

How to Apply the Zeigarnik Effect in Australian Social Interactions:

1. Create “just the right amount of blank space”

In social interactions, you don’t have to meet every need of the other person. For example, when chatting, don’t exhaust the topic all at once. Instead, end the conversation when the other person is most interested: “I need to go to a meeting, let’s continue this conversation next time!” This creates a sense of unfinished business, which makes them look forward to the next interaction.

2. Use incremental contributions rather than one-time efforts

When helping someone, don’t give them the complete solution right away. Instead, offer a few key ideas and leave some parts open-ended: “We’ll need to figure out the rest later.” This will not only make them appreciate your help but also encourage them to follow through.

3. Trigger the “unfinished business” mindset in the other person

In a romantic relationship, you can occasionally create “unfinished plans.” For example, when planning a trip, leave some details undecided: “I haven’t quite figured out the itinerary yet. Do you think watching the sunrise at the beach or camping at the mountain peak sounds more exciting?” This will get the other person involved and invested in the relationship, increasing their commitment.

Remember: Be Genuine, Avoid Manipulation

The Zeigarnik Effect is not a manipulation tactic but a natural way of using psychological tendencies to allow relationships to develop organically. As psychologist Carl Jung said: “The unconscious is what governs your life, and you call it fate.”

True relationships are built on attraction, not chasing. When you learn to leave some things unsaid, create some mystery, and respect the other person’s independence, relationships become more natural and stronger.

The best way to “influence” is to let the other person willingly come to you, not by begging or forcing. This attraction comes from your unique value, not from appeasing others.