How To Suck Up To People

See the bottom disclaimer, please. Also, rest assured: this story is 100 percent in English.

By Snarky LisaPublished 2 months ago • 3 min read

Ah, sucking up to one’s superiors. A much needed skill in the societies of both today and yesterday, mindlessly pleasing those with power over you has many benefits. From grandiose dreams like fortune and fame to more mundane ones such as survival and general improvement of everyday circumstances, sucking up to those with power can accomplish many goals.

Alternatively, you might be responsible for managing important people who are, quite frankly, sleazy in some fashion. Maybe they’re ridiculously lazy to the point their laziness impedes on others. Perhaps their personalities are obnoxious, with them spending their free time (and heck, maybe their non-spare time) picking on random people. Either way, you can’t truly stand them.

If any of the above descriptors apply to your circumstances, welcome to the purgatory that is sucking up to others! Although it is frequently rather mind-numbing at best and outright stressful at worst, sucking up to people is still something which could save both your sanity and your life in the long run. This article will show you just how.

Please note that, unlike several of my previous pieces (though by no means all), this advice is 100 percent guaranteed to work. No ifs, ands, or buts, you will become a total suckup to whoever you wish to suck up to if you heed the advice I give below to the letter — and only if you do exactly as I say. Just a little FYI.

Be A Total Doormat

The first step to sucking up to people is, obviously, being a total and utter doormat: whether figuratively or literally.

You might be wondering what being a doormat actually entails. Well, first, I’ll go over the actual definition. A doormat is either someone or something that others can walk all over. It doesn’t matter if whatever over the mat is good or bad. The doormat simply has to take it and suck it up like a saddening little buttercup.

With that being said, there are various ways to be a figurative doormat. One could have poor boundaries, never saying no even if one’s given demand is physically dangerous. One could attempt to do everything another person wants whether it’s morally acceptable or not. The list goes on.

What about being a literal doormat? After all, humans are humans. We can’t just be literal doormats as is. Fortunately, I know a trick: magic! With the wave of a wand, a sketchy plant mixture, and an incantation from some sort of shady website, you can instantly transform yourself into a doormat — fabric and all. Yay!

Force Yourself To Be Happy

You might be thinking now: doesn’t this sound like a miserable existence? Honestly, it kind of is. Your identity is no longer quite your own, and your life is devoted to people who may not even give you the fortunes you want. However, it is what you must do if you wish for said fortunes.

This is where forcing yourself to be happy comes in. Instead of crying and moping about those…pesky losses of yours, why not just choose happiness? That warm fuzzy feeling has always been, and always will be, simply an active choice you must make on your own, after all.

Forget the fact that there are several kinds of outside circumstances which can factor into good mental well-being. Forget the fact that it’s not always that easy to resist negative emotions, and it can sometimes take years of therapy to untangle them. Nope. Just choose happiness today, and you’ll manifest all that you want!

…

To be perfectly clear: sucking up to people is just amazing in the long run.

Any other thoughts on this? Let me know in the comments!

*Please note that except for the English language disclaimer in the subtitle, this article is satire.