How to Make Sense of Relationship Dynamics Beyond Family Models

Becoming mature is a complex journey. For me, and perhaps for many others, it meant separating ourselves from the familial models we grew up with. This becomes even more challenging when we get involved in romantic relationships.

We need to first understand where we came from and what limiting beliefs and expectations we bring to the table. That is in our marriage for example. I am sharing some insights, drawn from my personal observations and my journey.

1. Letting Go of Parental Relationship Models

We have gotten to know several sets of relationships since we have been a couple with my husband. The interesting thing was that each couple had some inherited behaviors learned from their parents or society. Still, some strived to become better together, and it was obvious they were in love.

Out of all these, my parents seemed the best example of a couple, together through highs and lows, proving their love and respect for each other.

Another couple divorced when the kids got married. The kids were already adults and were expected not to be influenced by their parents’ separation and lifelong lies.

We met another couple who had their opposites but learned to cooperate and find the middle ground, never contemplating separation or any big fights. They somehow agreed to disagree and made fun of each other’s quirks and opposite preferences. I can only imagine they would have liked to each have a bit of freedom, but they did give or take now and then.

My journey began when I realized that I had idealized my parents' relationship. Growing up, I observed patterns that I was unconsciously replicating in my own relationships. For instance, my parents had a dynamic that I initially mirrored, only to find that it didn’t serve my personal growth or happiness.

I had to make a deliberate effort to understand these patterns. I didn’t want to be the controlling half of our relationship. That was actually exhausting and it was not my style. But that was how I grew up. To change, I had to choose a different path and rediscover my true self.

2. Redefining Views on Men

My mother’s experiences with men significantly shaped my early perceptions. She never mentioned unhappy relationships before my dad, but she was harboring negative expectations about men. Somehow she could be labeled as a feminist, strong and decisive in the relationship. Which is fine, unless this harbors some blocked wounds from childhood, influenced by the men in her family.

She never told the stories so I don’t have detailed context, just bits of the puzzle here and there. Uncles and feuds, women always on duty and sacrificing themselves for the good of the family, bullying, and deeper wounds that the women before us never clarified.

I felt the need to avenge the injustices I believed my mother suffered, and I sabotaged some earlier relationships I had, none too serious.

Recognizing this allowed me to let go of these inherited views and form my own, more balanced perspective.

3. The “De-Princessification” Process

As “daddy’s little princess,” I faced another challenge: the idealization of my father. This created unrealistic expectations for my husband, especially.

Personal Experience: Overcoming the “Daddy’s Little Princess” Syndrome

At the beginning of our relationship, I was always disappointed and frustrated, as I used to compare my then-boyfriend with my dad. How he always helped my mother and how he listened to her automatically. But I hadn’t considered the bigger picture, how my parents have been together for a much longer time and had established those patterns. I wanted them right aways, copy pasted.

I had worked on this in therapy, and it was a huge revelation for me. I was behaving like my mom in many cases, that was my pattern, and I was expecting my husband to be my father.

I had to undergo a “de-princessification” process, understanding that while my father’s role in my life was unique and irreplaceable, it was unfair and unrealistic to expect my partner to fill that same role. I had to discuss this with my husband too, to let him know about this challenge and the reason for my behavior, because I was working towards a change in myself. He was extremely supportive, and I am very grateful for it.

I had to confront my own biases and work through the disappointment of realizing no one could ever measure up to the pedestal I had placed my father on. Through therapy and self-reflection, I learned to appreciate my partner for who he was rather than constantly measuring him against an impossible ideal.

So finally...

My journey of becoming mature and developing healthy relationships involved confronting and separating from familial models. This process requires self-awareness, courage, and a willingness to challenge deeply ingrained patterns.

This journey can be difficult, but the rewards of achieving harmony and balance in your relationships are fantastic.

For further insights into these dynamics, I highly recommend Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (non-affiliated link). This book comprehensively examines how our early relationships shape our attachment styles. It also offers practical advice on forming healthier, more fulfilling connections. I plan to review it in a separate article.

These stages are just a few examples of the complex journey toward forming healthy, independent relationships. Please take a moment and think of your earlier relationships and how perhaps they influenced your current ones. Please let me know your experience in the comments if you feel like.

***

Disclaimer: This article was previously published by the author on Medium (with pen name Eleanor Writer).