How To Make A Better Ally

We began this conversation about being an ally to the LGBTQ world with an article using the word ALLY as an acronym. It has plenty we can learn from. It’s right here if you would like to start with that.

The first step of being a loving ally is to come alongside your person. Alongside. Can that really matter? It can be everything.

In life, having someone come alongside us can make the difference between making it through one more day at your job and walking out mid-shift, without the rent paid. Many times the moves we make when we are overwhelmed can be rash and dangerous.

To understand exactly how the word “alongside” can make us a better LGBTIQ ally, let's begin with Webster:

Definition of alongside (Entry 2 of 2)

1a: along the side of

b: beside

2a: in company with

b: in addition to

1a: along the side of

When was the last time you felt the power of having someone walk along your side as you went through a place, a time, a moment? It may have been when you were walking home at night, long after dark. Perhaps it was when you walked down that aisle as everyone murmured about your gown. Maybe it was when you stood with your mother, at the grave of her husband, the first man you ever loved.

Regardless of what the occasion may have been, once you have felt the incredible power of having someone that matters come along the side of you in a time you needed them, you never forget how that felt. The feeling of belonging, safety, inclusiveness is as comforting as an old quilt wrapped around your feet on a cool evening.

As an ally, there will be times you need to come alongside an LGBTIQ person that you may not have thought about before. Like waiting in a line for the bathroom, changing in the gym, walking at the mall, or having dinner with a harsh and oppressive family member.

When someone we love comes out into the open about their sexual identity, they have just shared the most intimate and terrifying detail of their life. They are more afraid of rejection than you are of those spiders that spin webs in the garage. What they need right now, more than anything in the world, is an ally to come alongside and assure them they are loved.

Acknowledging our sexuality to the people we love can be so frightening that one cannot even think straight. But learning this new truth can feel just as scary when you’re the parent or the son or the best friend of that person. You may be completely unsure of what to do next, but your relationship with this person is vital to your happiness. So it’s your time to step out as their ally.

Sometimes something as light as a touch on the arm or a whisper of grace can carry someone through the fear of the moment into the realization that it’s going to be ok. Walk alongside the LGBTQ people in your life.

b: beside

When someone is beside you for the duration of a trial, you know they truly care. We choose our closest friends and family to stand beside us when we marry, stand beside us when we bury our spouses, and stand beside us when we don’t have the courage to stand alone. Speak up for, advocate, and share the truth about and around your LGBTIQ family members.

Don’t let those tasteless jokes and off-color remarks about “who’s the girl and who’s the guy with those two?” stand unchallenged. Don’t allow those who throw hate off their tongue like spit on a hot day to win those moments, where they use divisive words and painful associations intended to demean and dehumanize the people, simply for who they love.

It may be uncomfortable at first. The first time you tell someone to tone down their disparaging comments about LGBTQ people, it may feel a little scary. It can be easy to get lost in the worry of what others will think of you. I get it. It’s never easy to voice an unexpected opinion, especially when you may be bringing attention to a friend or a family member’s biased words and actions.

Before you let that fear take root, think about WHY your loved one needs an ally to speak for them. Often, as humans, we won’t hear a thing when a victim of our bias cries out in pain. (or more often, sits in shame and anger) Somehow, we don’t give their opinion about our judgment a bit of thought. We discard it like wilted lettuce, never imagining that the ones we belittle are actually human beings, as valuable as we think we ourselves are.

The strongest position an ally can take is beside their LGBTQ loved ones- at the same time that they are beside the REST of their loved ones.

2a: in company with

This may be my favorite definition. To be an ally is to be in company with your LGBTIQ loved one. To be an ally is to be in company with anyone who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender, intersex, to be in company with all the ones who are questioning what is true for them.

The ones you most want to keep company with in life are those who bring the most joy and laughter and love, those who lift you up and stand alongside, those who need you, and those you need. This is most definitely the calling of an ally. Make it a priority to be in company with the LGBTQ people in your life.

b: in addition to

In addition to what? An ally is the one who comes to the event in addition to the people who believe they are somehow better than them, a more acceptable type of human being than your LGBTIQ daughter or friend.

When we first begin to practice becoming an “out” ally, it might be easy to fall into the role of advice, control, your idea of better whatever. That is not what we are going for. Coming in claiming to be on their side and then SMACKING them over the heart with judgment and other things you have no right to rain down upon the head of someone you love?

No matter how you try to justify it, this is not the “love” you think it is. It’s not. It’s control and bias and shame. Why? Why would you do that to someone you loved last week or yesterday or anytime before that moment?

We must remember this addition to our relationship with our loved one, our friend, our co-worker, in this context, is not about you or me. As scared as we feel, the terror of the one standing in the doorway of the closet is terrified of losing one of the most important people in their life, is greater. When you realize that a person’s sexuality is not a different thing or a new thing. It is a thing in addition to all the other things you already knew.

When I began to transition in my life to become a vocal ally, I was often overwhelmed with the ugliness of a barrage of emotion that comes when judgment and religion and custom step in. I have learned the one thing I need to do in those moments is STOP.

I stop, and I remember the FEELINGS of the one in front of me. In my life, it was my precious grandchild who needed an ally. Not just any ally. My grandchild needed the one who had been head over heels in love with them since the day they were born. The instant I connect with THAT heart space, I’m ready to learn, grow, and open my mind wide enough to match.

Once we are operating from a place of love, everything else will come. It is the place we can hear what has not been said. It is where you can share your fears, hopes, and dreams for this new relationship. (and I will give away an ally’s secret tip: this is the same person you have always loved.)

So, we can file the word alongside right along with the word love. It is the only place that makes sense. Then keep them both in the WAATS column.

We. Are. All. The. Same.

Thanks so much for reading!