How to love when there is no love at all?

When I was on my teenage years, I have my own definition of love. The person should always think of me, care for me, do something for me, always express his love verbally to me and make me feel important. And I thought I found that. For more than two decades, we shared a lot of joys, triumphs, problems, silent wars, celebrations and many more. But as the days went by, the changes became visible and consistent. The kisses became frequent, the hugs became rare, the words of comfort and caring were diminished, the body languages of love were scarce and the communication gap widened.

I heard from a workmate that he married his girlfriend for companionship. Since he is already aging and he can no longer find any other woman that he can be with, he proposed to start a family. But unlike him, we were not yet married. He didn't propose yet, as far as I remembered. Though, I wish I can experience that a man will fall for his knees in front of me and asked to marry him. But as I nearly reaching my 40s, it might no longer be possible.

I have a hard time conceiving. I'm obese, and tried to loss weight but unsuccessful. I had the guts before to ask him if he will still stay with me even if I can't give him a baby. And he said yes. While it is romantic to hear that, I always feel guilty.

For more than a decade, he fetched me in my house with his motorcycle to go to work and vice versa. He was very consistent, he was there even if the weather was sunny, rainy, cloudy or windy. Even if he was feeling ill sometimes, he always show up. To him it is an obligation, and he never failed unless he has side hustles.

Then the pandemic came. We rarely saw each other due to lockdown. The company allowed us to work from home so no need for him to fetch me. We communicated through text, but aside from the morning text that we are awake and the good night text, very seldom that I received romantic text and caring messages.

Then slowly, the feeling of missing him faded away. I was able to focus my attention to work and barely think of him. Then, after days and months of realization, I felt I was deceived.

Until now, he has no concrete plans for us. Will we get married? Will we have a family? Or are we going to stay this way forever? Two decades and yet, no direction where we will our relationship go.

Then one time, I was able to talk to his sister and she told me things that I didn't expect I will hear. I was depicted as neglectful partner. On times I was with friends, he expected that I will bring something for him when I got home. Even if he didn't say. Since I didn't visit their house often, they thought I don't care. That even if I have a stable job, he was there, living in shambles. I was the villain. I have no concern with him. That was how I was described in his family. I explained my side, though his sister understood, I was told I should initiate some things and don't wait to be told to show my concern and love for him.

What I heard hit me so hard. God knows how I tried to extend a helping hand to him, gave everything that I can and offered all the assistance but he always refused. And that series of his refusal made me feel uncertain that I was needed. I only give when he asks, which happened very seldom. I cried for days, feeling betrayed by the man who I thought will always be true to me. Who will tell me straight to my face if I did something wrong. When the tears run dry, and so my feelings. His text messages no longer excite me, his presence no longer have an effect, his actions no longer made me happy, his hugs no longer made me warm, his kisses no longer made me feel loved and his absence is very much tolerable. I do not have the strength to confront him, it's useless, for me.

For months, I'm finding the reason why I should stay with him, but I can no longer find one. Is it because I'm hurt? Is it because I was betrayed? Is it because I was awaken by the fact that he has no plans for us? Or should I stay and talk to him about it? But that scene will be like a broken record every time we argued. He will deny, confirm his love to me and pretend nothing had happened.

I cannot muster the strength to break up with him, I don't know why. Am I afraid? Maybe. Am I hopeful that this will change? Maybe. Am I tired? Maybe. But my desire to fix this problem is not there. I have no plans to tell him, to narrow our communication gap, to fix this cold war. I don't know why.

I feel like an empty bottle, floating in the ocean, and going along with the waves. On when and how will this end, I didn't know. Still, this question lingers my mind, how can I love him when I don't feel no love at all?