How To Journal

*Pssssst….

By Snarky LisaPublished 4 months ago • 3 min read

Ah, journaling. A wonderfully complex art that has been mastered by several over the years, it’s no wonder why so many people continue to dabble in it to this day. It is simple, mindless, and easy. All one has to do is take out a stack of paper and/or an electronic device and then write. What could possibly go wrong?

With that being said, you may be wondering: how does one actually journal? Rest assured, readers! By the end of this article, you will be a master journaler. No ifs, ands, or buts. If you disagree with my takes: suck it up, buttercup.

Do Nothing All Day

The first, most obvious solution to any potential difficulties that might come up with journaling ideas is to simply minimize the number of them which may cloud and confuse your mind. This, of course, entails ensuring that as little as possible occurs during one’s chosen time period to journal about.

The easiest way to do the above is to, well, not do anything all day. If possible, don’t wake up. If not, then don’t carry out any tasks beyond the most basic of human necessities like going to the washroom and eating.

Sure, you might feel like a total waste by the time your day’s end rolls around and you get the opportunity to journal. But who cares about that?

Thanks to your lack of dilemmas writing choice-wise, you now have only one option for a potential journal topic: the pure emptiness of your daily affairs. It’s bland, it’s monotone, and you don’t have to add a ton of descriptors to make your vision come to life. Your journaling task for the day will be eassssssy.

Plagiarize

Plagiarism: the act of taking someone else’s creations while pretending they belong to you. Like journaling, it is a series of techniques that has been used by many throughout history. Indeed, it is likely as old as creative work itself.

With the above being said, it should logically follow that plagiarizing another person is the perfect way to journal one’s innermost thoughts and feelings. After all, no one is ever going to see your journal — right? It’s not like polished public journals exist. Why would you care about copyright infringement?

I must emphasize that by plagiarism, I don’t just mean taking inspiration from other artists or paraphrasing a published author’s writeup without giving proper credit. If it were that simple, I wouldn’t be writing this section.

The correct method to plagiarize someone for your journal is to copy them word by word; maybe even page by page if one has access to that much content. Forget the fact they might have typos or heck, your own creative development as a writer. There’s no need to pay attention to any of that when the easy way out is right there!

Be Extremely Distracted

So you’ve tried stealing other people’s writing and procrastinating already, and neither of your strategies have seemed to click just yet. Well, have no fear: plenty of distractions are here!

Doomscroll through your Instagram feed. Listen to the most brainrotted Gen Alpha videos there are on loop. Invite two random people who unabashedly hate each other into your journaling room and watch them fight. Heck, turn on a radio and set it to its maximum volume while letting it lie within one metre of you.

Will these tactics keep you from thinking of good ideas to journal about? Of course. But that’s just because they’ll prevent you from thinking about anything in all that much detail for writing. Remember: quantity is never the most important thing in the world. Yes, even for your thought processes.

…

Congratulations: you are now a 10/10 journal writer!

Any other thoughts on this? Let me know in the comments!

*PS: This article is satire. Please do not take it seriously.