How to deal with a broken heart

I clutched at my chest for fear that my heart would somehow burst out of it. I feel like I'm dying. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for death. It must be more painful than that.

Even lying in bed takes too much energy. Somehow, I managed to roll onto the floor. I'm literally lying flat on my back right now. My breathing became short. I try not to inhale too deeply, because if I allow myself to breathe, I know I'll feel a burning pain in my heart.

So I held my breath in anticipation of the next wave of pain.

Breathe in... Breathe in... Breathe out... Once in a while... Hold your breath... Repeat.

In a way, it's almost like having a baby.

I was wondering who I could call. Who would understand?

I texted a friend.

Me: I think I'm having a panic attack.

She: What's wrong?

Me: My heart is broken.

As soon as I uttered these words, my emotional waters broke and tears welled up. I knew I would have to deal with it. I had nowhere to hide, nothing to distract me. There is no retail cure or anyone else that will fill the gap and alleviate the pain. I pulled myself together and let it wash over me.

During the day I'm semi-functional, but only because I don't allow myself to feel anything. I walked around in it, almost like a zombie. At night, the silence and nothingness of my dark room beckoned to all my repressed emotions. I was completely devastated, but I was careful not to alarm my roommate by sobbing silently. That's how I spent the next few weeks.

I don't know exactly when the pain started to subside, but gradually I realized that my heart wasn't so soft. The healing process has begun.

Although my heart had been broken many times before, this experience was different for several reasons:

1. I consciously changed a deeply ingrained pattern

In the morning I woke up and realized that I had deeper feelings for this man, not romantic at all, and I decided to do something different. This is terrible. In the past, whenever I "liked" someone, it always brought pain. To protect my heart, I never let myself fall too deeply in love with anyone. When someone gets too close and triggers my fear and insecurity, I come up with creative ways to escape the feeling.

This time, I made a conscious decision to do things differently. Instead of running away from my fears, I found a way to express them; By writing to myself, and to him in a way that he can hear.

In talking to him, I realized how much better I had become at expressing the emotions I was experiencing without judgment. Even though he responded by telling me he was "not ready for a relationship," I was proud of myself for telling the truth about myself.

2. I let go of relationships

The conversation revealed that what I wanted was not the same as what the man wanted. In the past, I would always be around, trying to convince him that he should want what I want; I think he wants me.

Instead, I let him go.

I have the courage to say "no" to experiences that don't fit with what I want. As emotionally painful as it was, the truth of what I allowed myself to do was a very strong feeling.

3. I gave in to my feelings

Over the next few months, I experienced many different emotions; Rejection, fear, pain and grief. Instead of resisting or avoiding, I choose to give each of these feelings space to naturally rise and fall.

I didn't judge myself for being so "angry" at a person. I am kind and loving and treat myself as I would a friend going through the same experience.

Feelings didn't magically disappear. In fact, sometimes they are so powerful that it seems as if I could literally die of a broken heart. I was able to get through the pain and heal by facing my fears, opening up and surrendering.

Feelings are for feeling.

It's okay to tell the truth.

Have the courage to let go of someone or something that doesn't match you.