How to Become a Part-Time Stand-up Comedian

I came up with a list of resolutions for 2023. You’ll have to agree that the year I mentioned is 2023, there are no typos. I have my list of resolutions taped to the walls of my bedroom so I can see them and dream about them.

You may wonder what I will do in 2022. The answer is that I made 2022 resolutions at the beginning of 2021, I have to think ahead because I am the worst procrastinator. I make plans and act on them. My list of new year’s resolutions are nothing more than some plans. You can also call me a Planner cum Optimistic Procrastinator.

Today, I woke up early. I scratched my back against a wall because my hand could not reach the epicenter of the itching spot. At the same time, I remembered the dream I had seen last night. After rubbing my back, the light in my brain went on like an Aladdin lamp. The dream was about a stand-up comedian. I do not know why there’s no sit-down comedian. You can sit and crack jokes to make others laugh.

The biggest problem in my life is my heart asks strange questions that my brain can not answer, and I question the compatibility between my heart and my brain. Sometimes my own brain and heart fight like two opposition political leaders.

Becoming a part-time stand-up comedian is not a cakewalk, it’s a cookie-cutter run. You have to do day job from 9 to 5 and part-time comedian job from 6 to 9. I preserve my eccentric childhood hobby of having cookies in my back pocket, looking left and right, and then stuffing whole cookies in my mouth. That way I could go on stage, eat cookies in the dark and throw a few punchlines at the audience.

Back to my dream, where I saw the following steps to becoming a part-time stand-up comedian:

1.I have to open an account on Snappy, because facial expression is very important to make others happy, when I talk about poop, I have to make this funny stinky face. Hundreds and thousands of emojis for facial expressions are available on Snappy. One day I almost fainted when I saw a Snappy pic of my wife.

2.I need to open an Instagram account and follow some celebrities and learn some funny captions to their posts. Then I will make my own captions and put them in my own PowerPoint presentation, similar to Tedx.

3.I need to listen to a lot of humourous audio books. I will listen to humour and then write a humorous story at the same time and that is possible because I am a big fan of Musk and Mars.

4.I hate watching news channels. News channels are like super-sucking machines that suck the positive energy of our lives, like a crane swallows a fish in no time. But I do watch political debates and learn the art of confident lying to titillate my audience.

5.I am an unknown singer. To become a comedian, I have to captivate the audience with my singing skills when my jokes do not hit home. To do this, I have to sing in the bathroom.

6.I should focus on the deadline and learn all the subtleties to present myself as a part-time stand-up comedian. By December 2022, I have to speak like a professional comedian because I have already been booked for my friend’s wedding reception. I have to perform my first show in front of about 500 people.

After doing the above steps, I have to create a high-megapixel scene with my words to show to the audience as a part-time stand-up comedian. If I fail, I will buy a course on how to become a full-time professional stand-up comedian.

As always, thanks for reading.

Riaz.

January-2022