How to be selfless despite our selfish genes

As an evolutionary biologist, “The Selfish Gene” by Richard Dawkins is one of my most treasured reads. Step anywhere into the realm of evolutionary biology and you will perhaps find yourself questioning whether there is any true good in the world at all. The DNA that programmes who we are and how we behave (mostly) have also written in them the code that pushes us to put ourselves first ahead of anyone else. Another snappy phrase that comes with evolution is “Survival of the fittest” – not coined by Darwin himself, but unfortunately almost always (mis)attributed to him. The point I am trying to make here is that the world we live in is a cruel world with limited resources, with organisms jostling against each other to survive – and thrive. We live in a world of zero-sum games. What your competitor eats for breakfast takes away what you could have had for yourself. Can you tell that I’m really fun to hang out with at parties?

One of the biggest mysteries in my discipline is the origin story of how cooperation and altruism arose within this despicable cesspit of selfishness that is life. But wait! You say, doesn’t life give us many examples of acts of selflessness and l-o-v-e? Isn’t a mother’s love and care evidence enough to prove that good things exist on Earth?

The sad consensus is that most of these “altruistic” acts are just the product of cold-hearted calculations underneath. That meerkat which killed itself sounding the alarm call to warn the others about the oncoming snake? Why, that smart little creature was just making the economically more efficient choice that would end up benefiting him. By ensuring his family’s survival, who also carry the same genes as him, more of the same genes would be passed down to the next generation (You can read up more about this by searching for: Kin Selection Theory).

I am prepared to pay down my life for eight cousins or two brothers – J.B.S. Haldane

In a more relatable line of questioning, I’m sure most people would have wondered whether they do good deeds simply for the result of feeling good about themselves, rather than doing it for the act alone.

Trust me, I would love to believe that true altruism exists. You’re not listening to a psychopath here (I promise). I try to play nice and to help others whenever I can. I have friends and family that I care for. The thing is, I know that people do good things. But how much of this is truly altruistic? How many people would continue doing good if the cost outweighed the benefits?

Earlier, I mentioned my assumption that the world we live in is mostly composed of zero-sum games. Is this really always the case? Is it possible that there are some things in life that will double when shared?

Thankfully, dear reader, I am about to bring you onto a journey of hope and positivity. I believe that, despite the code in our genes, despite the ruthlessness of our limited world, kindness, love, care, generosity, and compassion exist. In fact, sometimes I think that these qualities flourish best in the worst situations.

Let me start with the really small things. Small things add up. Miniscule actions with negligible costs can sometimes make a big impact on someone’s day. A smile shared between strangers makes their world a little brighter. A (genuine) compliment can go for miles in making someone else a little happier. I know it might take some courage to step out of your own world to interact with someone, but it is the human connection that really puts on the finishing touch to the act. Once, I saw a lady ahead of me pick up some rubbish strewn on the floor and chuck it in the bin. That in itself made me believe in good a little bit. Then, I decided to catch up to her to express my admiration for doing what she did. I would like to think that I made a difference to her day.

Sometimes, even just telling friends that you’ve been thinking of them can be a generous act. Why should we keep the fact that we miss them and that they are a blessing in our lives a secret? I’ve known of random, grateful messages sent in such a timely manner that they’ve saved people from spiralling into depressive episodes and from hurting themselves.

I’ve known of people who have deliberately inserted themselves into a stranger’s life to help them. A friend of mine once saw a cleaner who came into work daily with a very old backpack that was falling apart. One day, he went up to the cleaner (a complete stranger!) with a brand-new backpack and walked away. My friend never expected any acknowledgement for his action and it took me years to hear about this story.

I’ve seen generosity in action where friends choose to sit with and talk to the left-out kid in school during lunch. I’ve watched how compassionate, kind people intentionally include others who have been left out in conversations. I’ve noticed generous people giving others the benefit of the doubt when claims have been made against them.

None of these actions take anything away from anyone*. Being selfless and kind does not necessarily mean that you will come out at a loss. In fact, all these people I’ve mentioned? They have all come out greater; greater in my esteem, greater in their virtues, and greater in happiness.

I think that we do have the potential to go beyond the selfishness written in our genes because we have the consciousness to recognise who we are, and yet we also have the will and drive to want to be better than that. We have the power to decide on our behaviour and actions, because we are not simply the products of our DNA.

We are a blend of the people we intertwine with in our lives, we are our hopes and dreams of who we wish to be and our efforts in progressing towards it. We are and we can be much, much, more than what is written in our genes. My wish for you is to have the vision to see what kind of person you would like to be, and the courage to step out of your comfort zone to pursue it.

*Well, okay maybe it did cost my friend some money to buy the backpack. But my argument here is that being generous does not necessarily have to involve a loss of money all the time. In fact, the benefits can outweigh the costs.