How to Be Free of Obligation

We live in a culture of obligation.

From the moment we’re born, our elders tell us, relentlessly, ‘do this; don’t do that’.

Early psychologists discovered that we then ‘take on’ this parental voice as part of our ego structure.

But I’ve good news for you: such a thing as an ego structure has never existed—not in the way you think, anyway. And I’m going to show you how to confirm this for yourself with rudimentary discernment.

Obligation depends upon there being one who is obliged. Sounds obvious, right?

This ‘one’ who is obliged—you—is imagined to be a permanent entity, made up of a body, a history, and a cocktail of characteristics.

But how often do you really spend thinking ‘I’m a body’?

Were you even aware of your neck until you read this sentence?

What about your eyes? These are a pretty important part of you, right? They’re what others stare into when they interact with you, after all.

How much of a given day do you spend dwelling on your history?

This is taken to be important, too, isn’t it?

You wouldn’t be who you are but for the sum of your experiences—right?

Except that you very rarely think of them.

Now, we can speculate about the subconscious; how past experiences are written to long-term memory, and shape our experience. But I make the case that this just isn’t useful.

Imagine some present experience triggers a memory of some past embarrassment. We have two options in this moment:

1. Spin out into a story (for example, ‘oh, this is just typical; this always happens to me—when I was a little boy the other kids bullied me because I couldn’t x, y, or z. I’ve carried that with me forever and it just keeps coming back to haunt me; I’m doomed.’)
2. Rest as the underlying awareness of whatever sensations arise, just as they are.

Option one justifies our suffering. It diminishes our responsibility, and enables us to continue the drama for a lifetime.

Option two, on the other hand, breaks us free. Now we’re saying ‘I no longer identify with ‘my stuff’; I identify with that which precedes it all: awareness.’

Awareness is the basis of every experience you’ve ever had—including the experience of yourself.

If you don’t believe this, try proving it wrong.

Nothing can be known without awareness and, as such, nothing is separate to it.

This inseparability is what is known in wisdom teachings as nonduality.

In nonduality, there is no separate entity who can be bound by the magical power of obligation.

So, as your boss or your romantic partner or your parent approaches you with a demand, just rest naturally, without seeking or describing anything.

In resting—without telling stories about what’s going on—you see that there’s just a bunch of words, facial expressions, and feelings, and that none of these have the power to make you do anything.

If you feel obliged, well, that’s on you. But you don’t have to.

You’re not obliged to feel obliged.

Paradoxically, as we let go of obligation, we actually become much more capable of pleasing others.

Perhaps not in the way they’d design, but most definitely in the way they need.

You see, as long as we’re terrorising ourselves with our thoughts and feelings (and make no mistake: obligation is something that goes on inside yourself, on the relative level) we’ve much less to give to others.

Imagine your significant other comes home from work and you’re looping on ‘I didn’t do the dishes; I didn’t collect the groceries; I didn’t feed the dog; I didn’t take out the trash.’

You frown and bite your nails, and reach for T.V. remote to distract yourself.

Now reimagine that same scenario but, this time, instead of telling yourself stories, maybe a pang of anxiety arises but you just let it be, then you stand and greet your S.O. with a smile, give them a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, then you get to the chores without saying a word—neither to them, nor yourself.

This is a mild example of what’s meant in the wisdom teachings by the phrase ‘naturally-arising mutual benefit’.

When we get out of our own way, everyone’s better off for it.

Now, being free of obligation doesn’t mean that we stop going to work, then spend all day, every day at the bar until we go bankrupt.

On the contrary, work is much easier without the heavy baggage of ‘shoulds’, ‘oughts’ and ‘musts’.

We all have worldly needs, and various ways of fulfilling them.

Unless we shave our heads and run off to the monastery, this will always be the case.

This can be either a loathsome ordeal or more of a ‘hi-ho, hi-ho’ kind of affair, like the dwarves in the story of Snow White who just shoulder their picks and shovels and sing happily!

To summarise, obligation is only as real as you take it to be.

Stories about things are only as real as you take them to be.

You are only as real as you take yourself to be.

May we all be free from obligation.

May we all get out of our own way.

May we all realise naturally-arising mutual benefit.