How do I overcome social anxiety?

I've always been shy. I'm used to being called "the quiet one". When I was a toddler, my mom told me that whenever we had company, I hid my face - a toddler, through genetic accumulation and perhaps social conditioning, disguising and hiding according to his instincts.

As I grew up, so did my anxiety. From the innocence of my childhood, I became a more accepting and sensitive young man. These are optimal conditions for anxiety to grow, such as the effects of warmth and humidity on bacteria.

My brother's quinceanera exposed and probably exaggerated my anxiety. In keeping with tradition and expectation, my nine-year-old self took the stage to deliver a sibling's speech.

The speech was well received, but my nervous laughter gradually gave way to crying, a situation that was too much for my anxious little soul. Once again, I began to hide my face -- my sister's arms shielded my nervousness and embarrassment as I looked at the crowd.

The episode was laughed off by those present, blaming my shyness and my youth. But as I got older, hair grew in places it didn't before, muscles started to appear, and I was still the shy, scared nine-year-old boy at heart.

A wave of anxiety

As masculine culture began to take hold of my school -- boys began to take an interest in girls, joking became the new official language -- I felt like I was drowning in this rising tide of anxiety.

With my gentle, quiet nature, I felt increasingly isolated. I felt like a child in a group of adults. Consumed by my anxiety, I think people are judging me:

"He was very quiet"

"He's not funny."

Or worst of all, "He's boring."

Not being able to show the real me at school or be that person at home, where I was blessed to feel comfortable, became increasingly frustrating.

I got into the habit of seeking comfort in the bathroom stall. More and more of my rest time was spent alone, safe in an isolated cell. There, I didn't show my face and was able to get away from the stress of socializing and not having to perform.

Time passed quickly and my thoughts were dominated by my latest social misstep. I was annoyed that I mumbled something in history class or only thought of a witty response later when the girl I liked spoke to me.

Looking for a quick fix

To help, I tried cognitive behavioral therapy and more standard counseling.

When both counsellors suggested that the only way I could make any real progress was through exposure therapy, I decided tutoring wasn't for me. I want a quick fix, a painless, effortless solution. This exposure therapy seems like a step backwards to me - if I can do it, I will. I'm not sitting in this chair!

The reason I can't go out and be more confident is the same reason I can't go out and be more confident! I hope to overcome my fear of spiders, but I won't let a tarantula crawl over my face to achieve that!

The advisers are right, of course. I need to face my problems head on, or they will continue to fester and eventually become incurable. I realized I was paralyzed by my social anxiety. They control my every decision, run my life, I'm the dog, social anxiety is my leash, it's tightly wrapped around my neck.

I realized that there were two main factors holding me back. I found these things were just my imagination! This allowed me to finally relax my inhibitions, which had long plagued me with social anxiety.

1. Not all awkward silences are because of me

Dialogue is at least a two-way street. And really understanding that has enabled me to take the pressure off -- to relax myself a little bit.

I really enjoy talking to people once in a while! If things get old and start to feel a little awkward, I accept that it's not just me. The person wasn't judging me or thinking I was boring. I can be myself and not worry so much.

2. No one cares

This discovery in particular was extremely liberating for me. I've developed an arrogant mindset where people think about me all the time, care about how I look, and scrutinize every word I say.

If I don't take the time to check other people's every move, why would anyone do it for me? No one judges me.

I was relieved of the burden. Instead of spending my time worrying about what other people think of me, I could spend my time actually living, not just surviving, tiptoeing through this imaginary minefield of awkwardness and judgment.

When I began to realize that my thought processes were irrational, I could begin to confront my fears.

The simple life

I now volunteer to socialize, something I actively avoided in the past. While I still find it scary, like many people, I realize that it's more important to actually live, not just survive.

I'm still a quiet person, but I can now talk to people without my heart, as if it's about to explode. My dream is much bigger than before. Freed from my social anxiety, my life has opened up to more exciting and fulfilling opportunities.

The job I applied for restricted interactions and did not join clubs, now I have the ammunition to defeat these demons when they raise their ugly heads.

Where I used to live unseen, I'm now trying to live simply.