How demonization of ‘lesbians’ troubled my younger queer self

Throughout my early teens, whenever I heard the word lesbian, the connotations related to the term were pejorative. Dealing with my internalized lesbophobia whilst seeing people demonize the word was not easy.

I know many lesbians who use the term ‘gay’ while talking about their sexuality because they do not feel comfortable with the L word. Franklin Kameny, a gay rights activist from the 60s coined the phrase ‘Gay is Good’ to peel off the negative association the word had at that time. Both men and women started using ‘gay’ to describe their sexuality.

If all of us are fighting the same fight then why isn’t ‘lesbian’ accepted as much as ‘gay’ even in 2021? The answer is simple. Patriarchy.

Cishet men have fragile egos. They take offence when someone doesn’t like them. They are intimidated by people who don’t fit the bill they sign and seal. I have had several encounters with men who have guaranteed to change my sexuality once I agree to be with them. They cannot digest the fact that someone is not into them. Typical.

Talking about fragile egos drives me to my next observation. I have noticed how the entire world fears women and non-binary people with power. A lot of villains in TV shows and movies are queer coded because if someone is a bad person, they are gay and vice versa. I am sorry if you are hurt by the BDE these villains portray but stop telling children that gay people can only be villains?

The media assumes that women characters that are too powerful are gay because the blueprint of a woman says that they should be timid and dependant on men for their survival. Fire the architect, I say. History has seen queer women and GNC folx being shown as a ‘corrupting influence’ over the main character or disrupting the peace of the story. This is not what we want our young lesbians to believe in.

Something that has targeted me in the past and still triggers me is the sexualization and fetishization of this identity. The only time some people talk about lesbians with enthusiasm is when they talk about porn. Growing up, I could never find a non-sexual space to talk about my sexuality because some men only see women (and GNC folx) as objects that perform sex for their pleasure. I still have conversations where people only wish to discuss my sex life when I tell them I am a lesbian.

For years I’ve chosen to call myself ‘gay’ because the L-word made me feel dirty and wrong. Imagine a 15-year-old lesbian coming to terms with their sexuality while everything around them suggested that their identity was vile and evil. The term sounded insulting to me rather than empowering.

How can I feel empowered when so many people say that the word ‘lesbian’ has predatory implications? They think we see women the same way men see them and that says more about men than us. There have been so many times where I have had to hide my identity so that women feel comfortable around me. Why should anyone have to do that? The male gaze in the media has proven how problematic a man’s view of women and enbies is. Is men a dirty word too? It should be.

There are so many reasons why people don’t like the word lesbian and as a 13-year old, I was raging with lesbophobia because I did not have access to the right media sources to explore what the term meant. When I had the realization that I liked non-men, I did not even dare to call myself a lesbian. In 9th grade, I went around telling my friends I was bisexual because somehow in my mind that was okay but being a lesbian was not. I still think about the time a classmate said to me, ‘Thank god, you are only bisexual, lesbians are so weird.’ FUCK

A few months later, I finally got over my controversial opinions and came out as a lesbian. Even then, I couldn’t dare to say the L word and told everyone that I’m gay. It’s fine, that child was scared.

It’s been a long road accepting the right term for myself, but I hope everyone gets to know through this that, lesbians are nothing but god-like powerful, beautiful beings that deserve all the love and acceptance in the world and I am a lesbian.