Hiraeth

In Welsh, there is a word that doesn’t translate well into English. Hiraeth is often described as a deep longing, a feeling of nostalgia, homesickness mixed with sadness, and a sense of loss... but not entirely unpleasant.

Formed from hir (long) and aeth (sorrow, or grief), literal translations can suggest meaning but lack the ability to truly convey its depth and nuance. Some will liken it to a yearning for the Wales of the past, its language, and its traditions. Others call it a desire for something that we have never known and perhaps never will.

Now, I am no expert on the language or even the word, but when I first heard it, it clicked with me. I had been listening to a Welsh song on YouTube and I commented on the way I was reacting to the music. Specifically, I said it made me feel connected to something... something ancient that existed both within and without. At the same time, however, I felt strangely cut off, more like I was trying to connect but not succeeding completely.

Someone responded to me saying “you are feeling hiraeth.” When I researched the word and its meaning, I was struck by how perfectly it described (or tried to describe) what I was experiencing and had actually been experiencing on-and-off throughout my life.

I have always felt like I am looking for something, though I have never quite known what it is. Things have made me happy over the years, but I always felt as though something was missing, that something “out there” could fulfill me if only I could find it.

I am very proud to be Canadian, but I often envy friends whose families have come from other countries and have maintained their traditions and their culture because they belong to something. I have often thought that people love to take part in celebrations like St-Patrick’s Day parades, proclaiming themselves 1/16th Irish, because they want to be part of something bigger than themselves, something with history and meaning.

I have felt that way, myself. I have a mix of Welsh, Irish, Scottish, and Manx in my family and maybe a smattering of others, but not really enough to say I am Irish, Welsh, or anything else. All I can claim to be is Canadian, with no particular family history. And while being Canadian is great, it doesn’t always feel like it carries much in the way of identity.

Other countries might have ancient castles and churches, instantly recognizable music or foods, or even clothes. Kilts and bagpipes? You know where you are, though I suppose some might argue that toques and poutine are equally recognizable.

So what is the purpose of writing this? I am not sure.

When I was younger, I used to read fantasy novels and play Dungeons & Dragons. I loved the stories and the idea of going on some sort of quest. Part of me feels like I am on a quest of my own now, but it’s nothing so grandiose as saving a princess or defeating a dragon. It’s more along the lines of finding who am I am and what I want. I am perhaps a bit old to go “find myself” now, but better late than never.

I’ve picked up my old tin whistle and started learning a few Celtic tunes. I’ve also started learning Welsh (which is pretty fun). Both seem to resonate with me. Hopefully, somewhere along the way, I will find something I can claim as my own, or find a place where I belong.

Until then, I will have to be content knowing that there is a group I already belong to-- those who feel an intense longing that they can’t quite explain. We are connected by hiraeth.