Her

Time had ceased to exist. I truly had no concept of how much time had passed or how long I had been sitting there. Faces came and went, snippets of conversation broke through occasionally, but there was nothing else. Nothing but Her.

She sat beside me, not making a sound, just looking up at me with her eyes, so big, so round.

A snippet broke through, ”On the house today hun,” the waitress said. “We heard and it’s the least we can do.”

More numbness and time went somewhere again. I looked down at Her and She had one small tear starting to leak from the corner of Her eye. It sat there, ready to drop, like a fly caught in amber.

Conversation. A cop sitting across from me. “I don’t know how you all do it. I seriously don’t. That had to be the worst I’ve ever seen. Everyone at the precinct sends their support.”

Her again. This time Her eyes look different, almost empty. The tear is still caught in amber on the corner of Her right eye.

Interruption. A plate of food is set down in front of me, the waitress again. She Sets down ketchup and hot sauce next to the plate of eggs, home fries and toast. A 24/7 diner staple. I still can’t quite make my body respond. “Take your time hun, there’s no rush for you all here and I know you’re done for the day. Just take your time.”

Nodding, I retreat back to Her. I don’t know why or how, but She looks more frail now. She looks like She is slowly fading, but I don’t know how or why.

Time does something and still I sit there.

I look to Her again and she reaches up and takes my hand. Her hand is cold in mine and small, so unbelievably small. Unbelievably cold. How could Her hand be this cold? I massaged Her hand in mine to try to warm it up. If anything, it got colder. I felt something stir deep in my belly, something sharp, so sharp. It started pushing up through my body, so slowly as Her hand tightened on mine. That small, frigid hand, squeezing my hand so tightly.

A face intruded on my time with Her. My boss. I wanted to smile, but I couldn’t, I was still frozen from the chill of Her hand in mine. We’d known each other for years. He was my trainer when I started this job, now, he was an administrator. He looked at me with eyes almost as empty as Hers were. I looked back to Her again, I couldn’t let go of Her hand, even if I wanted to I think.

“She sitting here with us?” he asked.

I nodded.

“How long have you been doing this job now? 20 years next month, right?”

I nodded again, unable to take my eyes off of Hers.

“You have to let Her go,” he said. “You can’t start healing yourself until you do.”

The words echoed around in my head for another eternity. She gripped my hand tighter with her icy hand, sending shockwaves into that sharpness in my gut that was still rising oh so slowly.

“I can’t,” I said so quietly that he had to lean over to hear me in the noisy diner. When did it get noisy, I wondered?

“You have to. I’ve lost too many friends over the years to not letting Her go. I don’t want you on that list. I held Her hand myself. I know. That’s when I went admin. That was the straw that broke this camel’s back.”

I looked into Her eyes again, they were colder, emptier now. The sharpness was punching slowly through my chest, piercing my heart and lungs as it passed. I just wanted it out of my body.

I felt warmth on my shoulder. I looked down and saw my boss’s hand there. He looked directly into my eyes and I saw Her there. In the corner of his eye and I knew he was right.

Her hand didn’t want to leave mine, but I knew I had to let Her go. She wore different faces for each of us, but as I opened my hand, I saw Her in the eyes of each of my friends who had gathered in the end booth of the diner to be with me.

I suddenly realized that She was even in the eyes of the waitress, who stood there with the police, firefighters and other paramedics. My boss looked at me again, “We all have that one call, that one job, that takes us here. For me, it was time to get off the road. Your camel’s back is injured, and we shall see if it’s broken my friend, but either way, you’ve made the first step back.”

Starting out, I had dreams of saving the world as a Paramedic, over the past couple decades, I learned you lose so many more than you save, and She was the one. She was the one that almost broke me.

We all had Her in our minds. Different ‘Hers’ for each of us, but that one incident that, temporarily at least, sucked the life from the world, and hope from our hearts. Unfortunately, not all of us can let go of her hand and some end up following her down the dark tunnel forever, but I was able to make it back this time.