Heartbreak & Heartache

As Valentine's day approaches the majority of us may be getting ready to have a date night with our significant other, or snuggle up and have a movie night considering the circumstances of the world we live in today, or some just might stay in the bed and do what grown folks do.

Then there’s us. The lonely ones. The ones who gave up or passed on love. The ones that feel so depressed at this time as we watch those couples’ smooch in public and constantly display that affection. This can be a difficult time for some of us.

I personally know this to be a fact. I have been in five serious relationships in my life. I mean relationships that involved plans of marriage. Love was there. It truly was. However, distrust was there as well. Jealousy and bitterness also. I remember the toxic relationships that I was in. It seemed to be a cycle. I would get out of one relationship that appeared to be solid only to find out that it was built on a shaky foundation. That relationship would lead me to another one and son and so forth.

I remember the exact day that I broke up with every single woman. I mean the date and time. I remember so vividly simply because I could recall the songs that I listened to soothe my mood. I remember the music that guided me through my rough patch.

My first break up was actually on Valentine's day. We had been together for about two years before she came home one day and told me that she was moving to Detroit with her ex-boyfriend. They had been seeing each other behind my back the whole time we were together. I nodded when she told me and helped her pack her stuff.

The interesting thing about her was that her last name was Jackson, so I found it only fitting to play I’m Sorry Ms. Jackson by Outkast. I kept it on repeat as she gathered her shit and headed out the door as well as my life. I must admit it did feel good to see her face as I sang along with every word that blared out the speakers.

My second break up was actually my fault. I was coming out of the previous relationship where I had been cheated on, so I was guarded. I was emotional and standoffish. At times I was distant and uninvolved in the relationship. I remember the night she told me that she was done. The first thing she told me was that I was emotional. Now at the time, Carl Thomas was one of the top R&B singers so in my playboy fashion I started mumbling the tune of the song and she told me to not mumble. I immediately strolled to my stereo and put the Carl Thomas C.D in that she had bought me and let Emotional ring out as loud as the volume could be heard. I played it twice and slept on the couch and in the morning I left. To this day I still think about her every time I hear Emotional by Carl Thomas.

My third separation was bittersweet because neither one of us really wanted to say goodbye, but we had to. We would literally break up just to make up. We would argue and ignore one another for days just to end up speaking to one another in passing and we would fall into each other’s arms and have the best sex of our lives. That was our normal. However, it ran its course. It got to a point where the fighting was more frequent than the sex and when we did have sex the thrill was gone.

I remember we were sitting on the bed after a huge fight. She got up from the bed and grabbed her phone and started playing Gloria Gaynor I Will Survive. She was a couple of years older than me, but I never expected her to play that song. I laughed to myself then out loud. I started singing the song and she cut it off. I laughed again and left the room. Two weeks later we parted ways.

Now my fourth love stayed around until she couldn’t. in the beginning, we had something special. Our relationship was like a rose blossoming in the summer; all we had to do was nurture it. We had a beautiful thing that I took complete advantage of. I ignored her cries for me to be more invested in our relationship. I ignored her opinions. I didn’t value her like I should have when in fact she really genuinely loved me.

After my previous relationship, I was bruised internally. I must admit that I was out to fill my pain by making someone else hurt. Hurt people hurt people. Instead of embracing her, I pushed away with my actions.

It wasn’t until the day after we parted ways that I was going grocery shopping I heard When a Woman’s Fed Up by R. Kelly that I realized what I had done. I had to hear the song again. I diverted from going grocery shopping and headed to Tower Records and bought the album R by R. Kelly. I sat in the parking lot of the record store and listened to that song 12 times in a row on repeat. From listening to that song, I knew that it was over officially. If I ever got her back it would never be the same, she would be cutting the corner of her eye every time she saw my face.

Lastly, the fifth and final love that recently provided me with heartbreak last year the day before Valentine’s day was the one that got away. I was invested and dedicated to her. I was devoted. I was nothing like the man I was in my previous relationships. I had grown. I waited 19 months before I got involved with her. I took my time.

I treated her like a woman is supposed to be treated. I massaged her feet when she came home, I made her coffee in the morning as well as breakfast in bed every Saturday, I kissed where told me and licked where she said graciously. I was in love which is why I was devastated and reverted back to my old ways after I came home to find her in the laundry room ass hole naked and my neighbor from across the street hiding behind the dryer holding his clothes.

After that betraya, it was and still is hard for me to trust someone. I remember calling my best friend and explain to him what had happened. He told me to come over and he would get my mind right and off the bullshit. I immediately went to his house. He came outside and told me we were going to a strip club. I didn’t oblige. When we got there, I could hear music playing from inside the club, but I couldn’t make out the song. We got out of the car and walked to the entrance. As soon as I opened the door, I heard it, Selfish by Slum Village. The smooth vibe to the beat and Kanye West flow instantly allowed me to loosen up and focus on the booty that was in front of me. I listened to that melody; “I’m calling... out to… all my… your my baby and I can't let you be with no one but me, baby”! All the women I thought as I looked around. That would be me from here on out. I would be selfish. All the girls in the world would be mine and I would wish my arms were long enough to hug them all at the same time.

When we left that night, my mind was made up that I was getting that song. I needed it. Music had been my healer throughout all my heartbreaks and heartaches. I dropped my boy off and went home. I went to sleep just to wake up early the next morning and go pick up the single because I couldn’t find the album. I was fine with that.

So, on Valentine’s day, I won’t be laid up with my boo watching Netflix. I won’t be having dinner and chocolate strawberries with my fiancé; however, I will be jamming out to my heartbreak and heartache music to guide me through the day just as they did in my challenging times. With that being said thank you, Gloria Gaynor, Slum Village, and Kanye West, R. Kelly, Outkast, and Carl Thomas for providing me comfort in a time when I needed it most then and now