He isn't the Right One

A good man to me is a hard question lately. I grew up thinking my dad was the perfect kind of man even though I knew he had cheated on my mother with his brother my uncle's girlfriend. Even though he left her,(my mother) a single mother of three, and he also left me, my brother and sister in a hard place my dad was always the hero in my eyes. I always knew I was his favorite. I think it's because I worshiped him and that fed his ego, or I cared for him like my grandma, (his mother) did, or I was the one who would stand up for him whenever mom would talk shit about him and that was on the daily.

I am the middle child but more like the oldest so of course I was the mediator in the middle of mom and dad always and still till this damn day I am in the middle. But back to the question at hand, I always thought my dad was so great, he wore many hats. He was a logger for many amish and companies, everyone around knew if they wanted a job done right they would come to him. He also is a mechanic. He worked in garages and if anyone ever needed there car worked on they went straight to him. He tore motors out and tore them apart and put them all back together and he did that for fun. There was never a time that I saw where he couldn't fix a vehicle or tell you with in the first hour of looking at it exactly what is wrong with it, and what part you need to buy. He made sure we had food on the table, warm home, always had wood for our woodstove, When he went hunting he always brought meat home, fixed everything himself. He never had to call someone to fix something and he never just let something go and ruin it. Dad is a mans man. He had flaws. Some big ones. Infidelity, drinking too much, selfish kind of ways about him, and so did my mother but that is for another day. I think it is because of their up bringing and how young they were when they started having kids.

My First Love

Now. flash forward to the choices I made in boys/men. My first true love, I was 14 going on 15. He was my first Everything. I fell for him hard in that 7th grade classroom. He was aloud to spend weekends with me at my house and sleep in the same bed as me at 14/15 years old, I would stay with him with his family members and he would stay with me at some of mine, but we mostly was held up in my room all weekend long together. At that age what else do you think was going to happen? When my mom found my pants I wore out with him one night all bloody, and she knew I wasn't on my cycle at the moment, why did she freak out on me? Why did she ask me all theses questions? Why did she ground me instead of talking to me about safe sex and why didn't she just put me on birth control? Anyway, that relationship ended as expected. Devastation was an understatement. We were back and forth for a while but I knew it was over. I started getting into trouble a lot. I was sneaking out, I was going to parties, I was hanging out with people I usually didn't only to see if he would be around. I was hurt. None of it did me any good. All it did was piss my mom off and she sent to live with my dad. It was insane.

My Second Love

The next semi serious relationship was with someone who was completely different then my first. He played guitar, and when I say this was intense it was. He was my best friend first. I was dating his best friend. In reality I really liked him and he was taken at the moment so I settled for his friend thinking we could hang out more since they was always together. He made me laugh a lot and we vibed so well together. His friend noticed our chemistry and he decided he didn't need to be around us no more and that if he wasn't talking to him I couldn't talk to him either. That when on for months, I missed him, I missed my friend.Until one night at a school dance, he was there. We had the best night. So fun. That night he came back home with me which wasn't unusual for random kids to be coming back to my house with me for the night. Plus my mom liked this boy. My home was sorta the haven for misguided youth so it was so normal for my friends and I mean sometimes 10-15 at a time to be chillen at my home. Well, we talked for hours. We told each other everything about what's been going on. He wanted to stay with me that night but I wouldn't let him technically I was still dating his ex-bestfriend so I didn't let it any further. The next day I broke it off with his friend. I was upset, but I felt relieved. So now, since it was over between his friend and I he was coming around more and more and we ended up together finally together.

We knew that that is how it should of been in the first place. Fast Forward a bit, my family and I decided we were going to move. I was okay with it because it was a familiar place. We were moving back to where all our other family members were, and where I grew up. It was also closer to my dad and all of our family on his side. Well, I started a new/old school. I went to this school head start through the middle of my fifth grade year and moved to where I was living currently before so some of the teachers and most of the kids were familiar and I made friends very quickly. I started hanging out with a new crowd, I was like a shiny new toy for all the boys at the school because back then lets face it, I was hot. I knew it. One day I was in class and the bell rang. A bunch of people came up to me and said do you know (insert second loves name) I said um, yes why? Low and behold without my knowledge he moved into his grandmas, and now he would be going to school with me. By the time he got there I was already established. I knew most of the people already from growing up in the area. I had friends, I joined cheerleading, I was happy. Then Boom! He is at my school telling everyone he came for me. Wonderful! I never really dated anyone In the same school or same grade as me. I always kept my school, home, and personal relationships separate. Honestly I shouldnt of dated at all in school. But this relationship was so intense with him. We were best friends. We were so into each other but we both needed to fill our egos. We wanted an adult relationship and we definitely wasn't mature enough for it. It was so toxic. He was so jealous. I was too. I was overly flirtatious I will admit, but we needed attention. That was just how we were. I lived with him. Yes 15 years old 16 years old living with my boyfriend in his aunts place. Not ideal. I ended up going back to my mom's. He got into a fight at school, you guessed it, fighting with some boy for talking to me. We both were abusive. We even got to the point of physical abuse. Well, he was a week suspended out of school, I didn't see him, then he was a week In school suspended. I ended it in a note. i couldn't face him. I was scared, ashamed, I felt trapped because after all he was there because of me. He stuck around for a while afterwards to either piss me off and dated my frenemy. He had to get his revenge. He wanted to see if I would change my mind and be with him. I didn't. after being in a relationship like that for so long, and him doing that with my frenemy no way in hell would I ever get back together with him.

Finale Boy ?

In the meantime, underneath all the drama with him, I fell hard for this other boy. We lived in a small town. I was hanging out with my friends and we decided to stop off at this person's house to smoke a bowl and chill. This guy was an older man, but not too old. We youngins liked him and we always went to his place. I ended up knowing this man from long ago. This man's house we went too dated my mom when I was younger. Right after her and my dad split. Mom was in her rebellious stage and dated this younger guy. So I was cool with going there. When I got there, there was a boy I recognized from school. He was in my homeroom. I knew his cousin more than I knew him at the time. But he was the boy I was crushing on hard at school. He caught my eye when something happened and it involved him. I had no idea who he was until this incident took place. I was still with (second love) when I first noticed him. But there he sat at this guys house, playing the video game. He said whats up girl to me and I melted. Unlike usual me, I sat on the arm of the chair he was sitting on and I just small talked with him. I then became slightly obsessed with him. We didn't really get to hang out much unless I was staying with someone else that was actually aloud out of their house to do things. I started staying with my Aunt and Uncle who lived close to where we all would hang out almost every weekend so I could see this boy. I ended up moving into my aunts just to see this boy more. They would let me out to do things and even drive me there. It was all fun and I got to party. The sneaking out to see him, the make out sessions was life changing. It was great, he was great. I was infatuated with him. Until he stopped giving me the attention I wanted, he stopped texting me back, he stopped wanting to hang out, it seemed like he was talking to other girls. I was not use to someone not on my back 24-7. I ended up getting bored, I called the Ex I I was with right before (second love) like a dumbass. Him and a friend of our ended up driving the entire way to get me. From where we once lived to where I was now was about a 45 minute drive. We all hang out as a group. That day would of been the day the new boy would call and want to hang out. I had to answer and tell him where I was. He knew who with because he knew where the ex and I was from. I asked him to come get me. He wouldn't. I ended up staying with a friend of the ex and I's. And so did the Ex. Things happened, that was inevitable. The next day he ended up dropping me off at the school and everyone saw I was with him. He made a big scene right outside the high school. It is completely glass windows out front, everyone can see everything. He made sure to have me back at school right at lunch when all my friends and my new love interest would be outside on the steps like we always were. He knew what he was doing. That ruined everything with the new boy. I sucked it up, and I went in. My head was hanging low. Everyone was so pissed to see me with him. New boy barley said two words for me for weeks. Until one day he stood beside me and said something along the lines of "you and your weird boots" He always made fun of my American Eagle fringe boots. I laughed. His voice gave me butterflies. I asked him, oh so your not mad at me anymore. He just said why would I be mad, It was different with him after that. I felt like he didn't like me anymore. I just gave up. I fucke up. I regretted that for years.

Moving On

I ended up living with my dad senior year, He lived about 45 minutes away from my school. He drove me to school everyday and picked me up at my moms every evening. I couldn't come home to live at my mom's. There was so many rules. I could not go no where. No friends was aloud over, we never did anything. I didn't have a life. I was expected to just come home from school and go to my room. My mom's husband hated me. Then she had moved in her two nephews. me and my little sister already crowded in this house. I just couldn't live there. I regretted leaving my little sister. But with myself, my sister, mom and my step dad, and now adding two grown teenage boys it was too crowed. With both boys coming from foster care they established more rules. Too many rules for me. so that's why I ended up at dads. Living with Dad, my step mom, step sister and our dog Daisy. I was happy. I still saw my little sister almost everyday before and after school for a few hours. I saw my mom daily and my two cousins. I would even come sleep at mom's on the weekends. My step mom was like my best friend at the time. We partied and partied hard. There was some boys/men that caught my eye but going back and forth to my school, cheering, partying like crazy and senior year and friends none of them caught my eye except one. At that age I was immature as fuck. I accepted any challenge, not to mention people would add fuel and ignite a fire in me, so I had to have this boy that had a girlfriend. I wish now I never ever even meant him. And I am sorry to his girlfriend at the time! I was terrible for that. She actually turned out to be a wonderful girl after all the drama. But I got him. He dumped her for me. We partied a lot. All the time. That was my allure to him. I liked him, I wasn't in love with him. (and later on in this part you will find out he never loved me either, I was the wrong sex) I liked all his friends more I think and how much fun we all had together when we all hung out. They were my friends now too.

I was ready to move back home after all that partying. I graduated high school, something that seemed so hard for me to do but I did it. I partied hard all summer. I spent all my graduation money on Kegs and cocaine. My savings was dwindling and I knew if I didn't so something now I would end up fucking my future up. I was ready to go out into the work force or go to college for Music Journalism. At least that was the plan all through high school. Leave Pennsylvania, head to california and follow bands around writing about them and their shows and I was going to sit on Venice Beach like Jim Morrison did and write poetry and a novel. That was my plan. If you knew me in highschool you know that that would of been the perfect job for me. My knowledge of music and bands was unmatched.

Chapter Unknown

I. Never. Got. The. Chance! Of all the boys/men I had in my life and loved, god chose this one for me to have a child with. Why him? I wasn't in love with him, I barley knew him. He wasn't ready for a child. I was not ready either. I never wanted any children. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to be wild and free. What will my dad think? How will I tell him? I will his family react? My life is over. I can't do this. My first thought was I was going take what I had left of my graduation money and get an abortion. I thought I was the right thing for me to do for myself and for him. I had the appointment made and I was ready to go. I had second thoughts about it but I knocked them out of my head. The very night before the appointment I was feeling so guilty and emotional. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I decided couldn't go through with doing it. I told my baby daddy, and he seemed like he was okay with being a dad, and he had said he wasn't sure about the abortion either. So it was settled. I was keeping this baby.

When I say It was turbulent. I mean hurricane like disaster. We did not get along! He could not hold down a job. He wanted to stay up all hours of the night and sleep all day. I was staying at his parents house. I was use to a certain was of living that they were not use to or accommodating too. We both were still so young, We stayed with his parents for the duration of my pregnancy and 6 months after our daughter was born. I could not live with his parents any longer. We ended up moving into our own place. His parents owned it so it wasn't too far from them. They did not make us pay rent even though maybe they should have. At the time I could not deal with his parents at all. I missed mine. I missed my sister, but here I was thrown in to being a mother, out on my own with someone I barely knew and really didn't like. actually I started to resent him everything I originally liked about him before when I first meant him. I changed the day I became a mother. I was in a very dark place. In my head and where I was living.

My dad, step mom and step sisters all lived close. I still had them around, but my mom, my brother and little sister and the rest of my family was an hour away. It was so hard. He didn't want to work. He would sleep all day. Help with our baby girl? That is a joke. He would go running off to his parents for hours. All day sometimes into the night. I would be left at the trailer with no vehicle. He would take mine and disappear. He still wanted to et drunk or fucked up with his friends any odd day of the week. We were struggling. I had to sign up for public assistance. I had to get food stamps, and a medical card from the state to care for my child. I had to go to work force classes for a check twice a month from the state that would only cover diapers, wipes, and shampoo. I borrowed 100's and 1000's of dollars off my family. What did he do? He would sit at home or go to his parents all day. We would fight all day long.

I started to do babysitting at the house for extra money. My father helped me get a new car. I went and got a job at a beer distributor. I worked long hours. I was away from my baby while he sat at home, scrapping a pipe for weed resin or smoking bowl after bowl with his pals while our baby girl sat in a high chair all day watching strawberry shortcake. I would come home and she would be so happy to see me. I was so pissed at her father.I started noticing more things I hated about him. Like why was he into dildo's? Why did he want me to use them on him? Why is his porn stash chicks with dicks instead of regular weird as fuck guy pounding a women's pussy porn. Why did he always tell me vagina was ugly and never wanted to give me oral? Why would I find him wearing girls underwear? If I went into detail that would be its own book itself.

That relationship was all drama. And I think he was the queen of it not me. We were abusive on all parts. He would piss me off to no end. He would push me to the point of throwing hands and he had no hesitation to throw hands with me. We talked so much shit to each other and about each other. We hid shit from each other. Him especially. I knew he was gay or bi. He needed to be honest with himself and others. My daughter and I started staying with my dad. He was going through something at the time with his marriage and he hated my daughters father. That relationship was going nowhere. I felt like he was going to ruin my daughter and I's life. While I was staying away the boy will play. I ended up finding out he had another women and hard to tell what else in the house while I was away. He wanted me and my daughter to move out.

It was heartbreaking when It ended. Only because I didn't want my daughter to have a split family like i did, but it was for the best. We never would of survived together. I found out the girl my baby daddy was sneaking around with was dating my cousin. Not to mention, this was the same girl that he had been with when I meant him. Talk about drama! Of course I had tell my cousin. She denied it but I had solid proof. What an ending that was because I blew that whistle. I was hurt more I think because of my daughter. Now I have to move back home with my mom and step dad who I swear hated me. Jobless, and my daughters dad kept all of our things. He let me grab what I could in one trip and told me he would bring us the rest up another day. He never did. Most of all the things for my daughter I bought or my family had got her. I ended up seeing my clothes being worn by his new girlfriend and sister. I saw my baby girls toys and clothes being sold online yard sale sites. She was two when we left. I never took him for support, I knew he could not pay it then anyhow. I waited until she was 9 years old to take him for a court order for support. He still was not working but I thought it was time for him to get it together. I had to. And for my daughter I did. With him being so low income they made him pay $20 a week. $80 a month. I was not trying to be ungrateful but that didn't even cover her food for one day. She is 14 now. In those 5 years I got maybe $3000 from him. I don't need his help, it is just the principal of it. I never kept her away form him or his family. If they wanted to see her they could, if he wanted her for a weekend I allowed it. Even though I should not have due to certain things going on there that she should not of been apart of. I could not keep my child from her father and I still don't. I try and manage a co-parenting relationship with him. It use to be so hard and all we did was fight and argue and say hurtful stuff to each other until one day, I just stopped. I completely stopped responding to his drama filled text or his lies or how he would try and manipulate me. I Just don't have room for his negativity and lies no more. If he isn't talking about our daughter he has no response from me.

After I moved back home with Mom, things just seemed to get better for me. I got a new job, I was near my family, I meant up with some of my old friends, I seemed to be coming back to who I was before I meant my daughters dad. I was back! I looked good, I was enjoying life. I got into a few," little:, I wouldn't even call relationships. Being back in my hometown meant being near familiar faces from my past. Insert highschool love interest. I was trying to set it in stone with this boy again. The one I lost in back in high school. He was at every party I was, He would be at every bar I was in. We lived in a small town and the same crowd from school all still hung out together. If you are wondering, Yes it happened! It was always me and him at the end of every night. He was the lost love I thought I had won back. It was a fun filled, whirlwind relationship. Until it wasn't! He would end up hanging with someone else or I even would too but we would end up together again sometime or another, and that is not what I wanted. I wanted him to commit to me. Only me. And at that time I didn't see that happening. I don't think I ever made myself clear on what exactly I wanted with him but I thought he knew what he had meant to me.

I ended up going to a party one night. He was there of course. I figured he we go with the second guesses. Is he here because I am. Who is that he is talking too? We talked casually but it seemed to me he was after some other girl there, i wont lie, it hurt my feelings. So What's a girl to do? I found the cutest guy there and gave him my attention all night. The party ended. The cute boy went home. My high school love ended up staying the night there with me at our friends apartment. You can guess what went on with us that night.

It was the morning after, I am hungover as hell. My friend and I decided to walk to the local store right down the street for drinks and who do we run into? That cute guy that was at my friends party from the night before. He got my number and something started from there. It definitely was nothing serious. I was still back and forth with the guy from high school but it grew into something later on down the road. I started to like this new guy. I just couldn't shake my high school love and leave all my party hardy friends to settle down. New guy was not into the party life. He did not like my friends or having to compete with them. I was having a rough time in life, I didn't know what the future held for me and my daughter let alone being in any kind of relationship. So I squashed it. I broke things off with new guy and just continued down the path I was on. He eventually moved on quite fast. He was looking for a settle down kinda girl. At that time I could not give that to him. We still talked but we weren't talking talking like a couple in love. He was with a new girl now and heading out to do basic training in the army and already to get engaged. I was happy for him but felt some type of way because he did at one point like me, and wanted to commit to me. That is what I been wanting for a long time. He was nice to me, different from all the others. I wanted that. He ended up calling me out of the blue one day telling me it was over with his new girl. We talked as friends for a while. I invited him to come visit the family and to see my daughter. Of all the relationships I have been in since my daughter's father and I ended things, new guy was the only one I let meet my child. That weekend he came over. He has never left since.

Is New Guy Forever Guy

Life with new guy is a whirlwind. Two years into dating and I was never out partying. I was home with him and my daughter. Cooking meals and having movie nights. We would go shopping, go to the movies, go out to eat. It was my new norm. Surprise!! I am pregnant. I was not prepared. I wasn't sure I was ready. I wasn't sure he was ready. I was scarred from what my daughters dad did I was so scared. I felt though right away, this was different. He worked. He held down a steady job. I was working. We both had a steady income. We got a place of our own. Him, Me, My Daughter, and the New Baby! We found out our new baby was a boy! I wanted a boy so bad. I was so in love and he wasn't even here yet. I had my girl and now Ill have my boy! We were doing okay! We had our son, and we moved into a bigger home again. This time this would end up being our permanent residence until this very day. We both still have our flaws and some days I want to kill him and I know most days I annoy the hell out of him but through the ups, the downs, the bills, the weight gain, the deaths in the family, my co-dependency on alcohol, getting new jobs, family members living with us and moving out, fights with parents, and We also added another member to our family. Another little boy! I can not thank this man enough for putting up with me and for giving me two sons.

I will admit there are times where I miss the old me and want to go out and get rip roaring drunk or I want to call up and old flame and to see if the fire is still there. He has flaws. There are a few things I would change about him. I know they are somethings he wishes he could change about me. Like my mental illnesses or how I don't let no one, not even his family walk all over me like I use too or how bad I drive. But we have been making this work for over 10 years now. I can not believe it myself. I don't know if we will grow old together but I know we will be old together someday and we and we will look back on our lives and raising the kids, and how it all began. I hope one day to know exactly who I am meant to be with if it is not my son's father, but I never want to lose him as a team mate.