Happy, Happy Birthday To Me

For most people a birthday is a time for celebration and happiness but, for others not so much. Is it a bad thing that I just look at my birthday every year as another year closer to dying? I know it sounds depressing but, it is very true. My feelings of my birthday started to get more like this quite recently. As of May 29th 2019, about a week before my birthday my son's father Nick died. That really took a huge hole out of my heart and the space is still there and has yet to be filled. Sadly, to make matters worse his Mother Renee passed away on October 29, 2020. I get even more upset around my birthday now because, Renee's birthday was June 16, 1966! I miss her so much and think of her constantly. Renee was like a second Mother to me.

My anniversary of when I started dating Nick was October 30 and that being said and Renee passing away on the 29th really hits me hard in October too. All that aside Halloween is still my favorite holiday and I love to dress up every fall. It still gets to me though no matter what I try to do. Both of my cat's birthdays are in October as well as my son Viktor's birthday. That makes the month a lot better. Once it starts to get to later in October and November around Thanksgiving I begin to feel very hurt again. This past Thanksgiving was the first Thanksgiving I did not spend with Renee since she passed away. I always spent Thanksgiving with Renee. She cared deeply for Viktor and I and I could tell. She welcomed me into her family with open arms and loved us both. She cared so much for me that the second year after I had spent Thanksgiving with her and she realized I do not like turkey she made a ham! Just for me! She made turkey and candy ham because, she knew I did not like turkey and wanted to do something special just for me. Knowing that I will never be able to enjoy a candy ham at Renee's home anymore crushes me. Truly. I know it sounds very sad and depressing but, that is because it is.

Why in life after a sad experience happens around a special day the sad experience takes over your mind and body? As I said prior you would imagine a birthday would be a time for celebration and happiness but, for me it honestly is not anymore. When I was a child I got very excited for my birthday every year! I remember my Mother would allow me to invite a ton of girls to my party and then have a huge birthday sleepover. I did this year after year and my friends started to look at me as the life of any party. One of my very good friends always tells her I make her laugh and always put a smile on her face. That statement right there makes me wonder something else. Why is it the people that look the happiest on the outside are the ones suffering the most on the inside? People constantly come to me for advice or to vent their problems and I do not mind at all because, I love being there for other people. I care about others but, sometimes I feel I do not always get the treatment back. I say this because, I go to a therapist to vent my feelings and yet I have so many people turning to me with their problems. Once again, I do not mind it would just be nice to get it in return sometime.

To many people on the outside I look very happy but, internally I am constantly suffering. I know that some of you reading this that know me may be shocked and that is completely understandable. I am not even righting this article for attention, pity or anything, I am just writing it to vent my true feelings. I am sorry if this article is making anyone upset but, I am just trying to speak out about how I really feel. I am the life of the party I suppose and I am glad I can make you all laugh and smile but, I feel like my heart is forever broken inside. You cannot see a broken heart because, it honestly is just like broken ribs. Have you ever broken your ribs? I have not but, I have known people that have and watched them go through the pain. They can barely sit up and have trouble sleeping and are in so much pain but, you cannot see it. My point? The heart is the exact same way.

I am blessed and happy to have such an amazing husband, son, my mother and friends in my life. I am always here to listen to others problems and make you laugh or smile. Sometimes I just need to vent my feelings as well. As I stated this article was not meant to hurt anyone's feelings or make anyone upset. I am just venting. Today is my birthday and this is how I feel. Happy, happy birthday to me.