Guys, Here's What You're Doing Wrong on Dating Apps

Dating sucks. I remember when I was married and saw couples out on first dates, I used to think, "Thank God I'm married and don't have to deal with dating anymore." Famous last words.

Now I'm newly divorced and back in the dating pool, which is actually more like a cesspool. Like many modern daters, I decided to give a few dating apps a try. I wanted to see what the dating world is like these days and what types of men are on these apps.

What I have discovered is that people don't know how to date anymore! Even with technological advances that should make the process less painful, people don't know how to communicate or present themselves in a way that makes dating, especially via apps, appealing. A lot of men turn women away (and vice versa) just by what's on their dating profile. It takes less than five seconds for a person to decide if they want to explore somebody's profile further. But the profiles I'm seeing make me want to throw in the towel, not spend time looking for love.

I thought it would be helpful to share the most common things I have noticed that automatically turn me off from swiping right on a guy. (Other than those who are ethically non-monogamous, in an open marriage or just want to f*ck whichever women are willing.)

For those men who do get the honor of matching with me, there are other ways they sabotage the potential of getting to meet me in person. I touch on these dating faux pas near the end, which is fitting, because they are actually what ends a possible connection.

So fellas, listen up. If you aren't getting matches, or your matches aren't leading to dates, it could be because you're doing - or not doing - these things.

Having Photos Wearing Sunglasses

Sunglasses are hot. For sure. But you know what else is hot? Your face, sans sunglasses. If I can't see your eyes or get a good idea of what you look like, I'm not going to swipe right.

It's fine to have one picture of you sporting those cool shades, but if all your photos are covering your eyes, offering too much mystery, we clearly aren't (and won't be) seeing eye-to-eye. Physical attraction is important, and you might be missing out on a great match because you aren't showing your true self.

Having Photos With No Smile

It's fine if you want to post a few pictures looking dreamy and sultry. But also show me your smile! It's probably really cute, and I'd love to check out your teeth. Teeth are actually one physical feature that can really turn me on or off. I love a great set (and some not-so-great sets) of pearly whites!

I want to see the way you would smile after I make you laugh, so I know what I have to look forward to. It's also more likely that I'll imagine what kissing you is like, and that's not a bad thing at all.

Having Group Photos

If you want to post one photo of you with your friends, cool. But if I have to look through every photo and try to figure out which guy you are, I'm not going to waste time doing that. Automatic left swipe, dude.

And you want to know why it's also a bad idea to post group photos? This one might hurt, but it's the honest truth...I might see the photo and find your friend(s) more attractive than you. You have a much better shot at getting a swipe in the right direction if you're the only guy in the photo.

Having Photos of Just Your Dog

You don't have to convince me that your dog is cute. All dogs are cute! And if you want me to know that you're a dog lover, go ahead and post one photo of you and your dog and mention it in your bio.

But don't make half (or more) of your photos of Fido. I'm not trying to date him, I'm trying to date his daddy. And seeing you with your furry BFF is way hotter than seeing him without you. Yes, dogs are chick magnets. But make sure the girls you're attracting aren't just interested in your dog.

Having Photos Wearing a Hat

I know hats are pretty common for guys to wear. And I actually like the look of a hat on a guy! But I also want to see what you look like without one. Do you have hair or are you bald? Is your head full of curly locks or a thick straight mane? Show me what lies underneath that ball cap.

In fact, I'd rather see at least one photo of you without a hat, and one photo of you with a hat, so I can see the way you look in more than one situation. But if you don't have any photos showing what you'd look like on a fancy dinner date, you won't even be getting an appetizer with me.

Having Headless Photos

I can't tell you how many times I've seen a profile where a guy's photo(s) only shows his body from the neck down. And usually, it is accompanied by something like, "Will share photos once we match."

Homie, why would I swipe on you if I can't see your face? Clearly you're up to something shady and I want no part of it. I'm here to connect with a man who doesn't play games, isn't sneaking around and is secure enough to show his face. This is manipulation at its finest and I'll be moving right along to the next guy.

Not Having a Bio

If you're going to post just one photo and share your Snapchat or Instagram handle, you'll be getting pushed to the left by me for sure. I don't go on dating apps just to go on another app to try and figure out who you are and what you're about. I'm far too busy and don't care enough about a complete stranger to take those extra steps.

Not to mention, half the time the profiles are private, which means I would have to send you a friend request, knowing nothing about you, just to learn something about you. And in the end, I might not want anything to do with you.

There's no way I'm going to all that trouble when you can easily spend a few minutes crafting a witty, interesting profile that will grab my attention instead.

Even if you just write one or two sentences that demonstrate your personality or interests, I might want to learn more. But just a photo and a social media handle imply to me that you are lazy and not taking the dating process very seriously. Next!

Having Muscular Gym Photos

I know you think your muscles are amazing and sexy. Some women might be into that. But when I see you posting a photo of yourself working out or flexing those muscles, it tells me that you're really into yourself. And while confidence is great, arrogance is not. I don't care if you think you're the sexiest man alive.

Are you on a dating app to take yourself to dinner, or to take me to dinner?

If the answer is the latter, I want you to be into me. Show me that you are by humbling yourself and let me see those muscles in person. I'll be far more impressed by the confidence you exude outside of the gym all covered up. It's not like your muscles won't show through your clothes anyway.

If you want me to know that you're into working out, just put that in your bio. I actually do read those. And if I'm interested in seeing your muscles before we meet, I'll ask for a photo. Until then, focus on impressing me with that big heart of yours, not those bulging biceps.

Having Photos With Other Women

I don't care if it's your sister, your mom, your friend, your neighbor or your ex-girlfriend. (Grandma might be an exception, but otherwise, no.) Call me crazy, but I don't want to see a potential date with another woman (or worse, several women). It either makes me think you are a player (maybe you are) or you're trying too hard to prove you're family-oriented. When we meet, I'll be able to gauge whether or not you are.

If things gets serious, I'd love to meet your family! But before we've even met in person? I don't want to feel like I'm part of your crew until I've earned that spot. Just let me focus on you in the beginning.

Having Half Naked Photos

Yes, you're hot. You're fit. You're sexy. But unless I'm trying to get laid on the first date (which I'm not), I don't need to see your half naked body and learn which brand of boxers you wear. In fact, it's kind of a turn off because I interpret this to mean that you sleep around, and I'm not willing to be just another sexual conquest.

Leave something to the imagination! If a woman is interested in having a sexual relationship with you, it will take more to turn her on than just a six-pack or boxer briefs that sit halfway down your hips.

If you want a genuine connection that is based on more than just physical attraction, let me discover what's underneath your clothes when the time feels right. There's a reason woman love foreplay - waiting gets us all revved up. Vrooom!

Not Responding to Messages

Apps like Bumble - that require the woman to make the first move - frustrate me. I understand the premise of a more "equal" playing field when it comes to dating, and it does give women a good idea of how intimidating it can be to put yourself out there.

But what Bumble proves is that even when men aren't making the first move, they are also not responding to that initial message. Or, they respond at first, and then after a few more messages, they disappear into thin air. It's like all of a sudden they forget how to carry a conversation.

If you're talking to other women, that's fine (for now). If you're no longer interested in getting to know me, that's fine. If this is the case, or you're just playing games, or you are not serious about dating (why are you on a dating app?), just unmatch us so you don't clog up my pipeline. I like it to only hold space for the men who do want to keep talking to me. There are plenty of other guys out there that I can invest my time in.

If I'm messaging you, it's because I'm interested. Eventually I will remove you if it's been awhile since we've messaged, but if you're the one who isn't interested, that should be your responsibility. Either shit or get off the pot.

Not Sending Messages First

With apps like Tinder, that allow for either person to send the first message, there's no reason that person should be me. Forget all this feminist nonsense and do what women actually want - pursue me!

You like the challenge, and I like the attention. And unlike real life situations, you know I'm interested if we matched. So what are you afraid of? I don't want to date a guy who isn't willing to work for me, so if you're not going to make the first move, don't be surprised if we unmatch relatively quickly.

And definitely don't complain about not being able to find a good woman. You found one, but you weren't willing to put in the work, so now she's busy connecting with a guy who saw the value in getting an A for effort.

Responding With Boring Answers

If I send you a killer opening line, and you respond with "Lol," or I ask you a question and you just say, "Yeah," dude, you're boring AF. Give me something to work with! You should always engage in a way that invites another response from me. Simply asking, "What about you?" after responding is a great way to let me know you want to know more about me and shows me that you have good communication skills.

I know it's just the beginning of our "getting to know you" process, but I won't want to continue to get to know you if there doesn't seem to be much substance behind your messages. Dating is highly competitive, and if you want to have the upper hand, be a man I actually want to keep chatting with. But not for two damn weeks...(see below).

Not Asking Me Out

As much as I enjoy messaging matches, there comes a point when a face-to-face meeting needs to happen. I'm not spending my valuable time getting to know you just for kicks, and I actually do want to meet a real human being. That's why I'm on the app.

Connection cannot be formed or strengthened by only communicating on a smartphone. If you are truly interested in spending time with me, or potentially finding the love of your life, ask me to dinner. Or coffee. Or anything! If I hint at a certain restaurant or activity I enjoy, that's me giving you the green light to suggest we make a date out of it.

Honestly, you have far more to lose by not asking me out, than you do by playing it safe.

In conclusion...

On dating apps, there are thousands of people trying to find love. Or connection, or sex, or a laundry list of other things. In order to stay ahead of the competition, you have to go above and beyond.

Don't act like all the other guys. Women want a man who is willing to take some risks - who will stand out among other men because he doesn't care about the status quo, and instead lives boldly and dares to be different. Show me that you really are a quality match who can step up to the plate and make a great first impression.

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