Growing Up Black: Is There Only One Way?

At a very young age, I never felt I belonged. Multiculturalism was absent in my high school, and I did not have anyone to turn to in a predominantly white environment. I had rarely seen myself in any media or books that we read in school. Moreover, I was the only Black person in the student body of my high school until my senior year when another Black student enrolled. In fact, throughout my entire life, from pre-school to my masters’ program, I have never been taught by a Black instructor. The institutions I attended could boast of no Black faculty on their staffs. These experiences, in addition to the ones I will discuss below, disconnected me from my culture. My culture is not a monolith, it is an identity that is constantly changing and evolving. Therefore, gaining the valuable lessons associated with my culture deepens my appreciation for my Black identity. This essay discusses my experience growing up Black in Canada. It highlights the expectations people have when they see me as different, which can be harmful to self-identity. Subsequently, it explores how my upbringing influenced my reflexive practice as an educator and led me to support the pursuit of social justice, especially pertaining to racial and cultural equity and inclusion. My growing social justice activism will equip me as an educator to teach and to enhance the learning experiences of my future students.

When I began my journey of self-exploration of my heritage, I had questions as to why there was so much racism towards Black people? I was curious to know whether other Blacks felt stigmatized due to their race. In my household my parents and I did not begin to discuss Blackness until I entered high school. They thought racism was too controversial to address with me when I was younger. However, the conversations I did have with them were sparse. I always went away feeling that something that needed to be said was unsaid. I remember as a young child that I used to wish I was someone else, someone who had a lighter shade of skin. There were moments that I purposely chose to play with white dolls over picking dolls with my skin color. As I began to explore my disconnection from my culture and my race from a reflexive stance, I started to realize that I needed to uncover the truth of myself before trying to help others, especially my future students, do the same.

The “Hidden” Curriculum

Throughout high school, I heard and experienced a fair share of xenophobic remarks. When my classmates made derogatory comments in my presence, I felt disrespected. Their words hurt and jeopardized my identity formation because I wanted to be seen, heard, and accepted as someone who was both Black and Canadian. I was constantly afraid of what my classmates would think, and what they would do if I challenged their racism. My parents had mentioned that the word ‘Nigger’ was used to dehumanize people of African descent and make them feel inferior. It was deployed as a weapon of psychological warfare, and it has been used as such for centuries. The reduction of Black people to the n-word created an environment where white people feel superior, and Blacks are reminded of their supposed inferiority and even sub-human status. Although I had never revealed my experiences with racism to my parents, it is like they were reading through me because they were so right about how that word impacted me. As a Black Canadian I am often faced with the struggle for justice, and equality. My experiences with classmates and the curriculum taught me that throughout my life I will have to endure the beautiful struggle of resisting racial inequality.

The negligible exploration of Black culture in the curriculum is an issue that has been prevalent for some time in Canada (Miller, 2020). The curriculum excludes materials about the oppression and the accomplishments that Black people in Canada have endured and achieved. Through my schooling, there was no diversification in the curriculum. Growing up in a white-centric environment made it difficult to understand and grasp what it meant to be Black. The only novel I read in school that had representation of Black people was written by white authors, specifically To Kill a Mockingbird. Black intellectualism references the scholarly and creative work of African Americans (Miller, 2020). The term has been used to describe the work of people like W.E.B Du Bois, Angela Davis, and Cornel West (Young, 2022). Black intellectuals are often seen as a threat to the status quo because they have a different point of view than what is typically accepted by society. The under-representation of Black intellectualism corresponds to the lack of exploration of Black culture in the curriculum (Miller, 2020). The education system left me feeling inferior to my peers and created a gap between me and my heritage. Establishing a curriculum that is inclusive is the first step to closing the gap between Black students and their white peers. Removing systemic barriers in education that harm Black students will lead to genuine change. The obstacles that Black students face in education is a result of structural racism that has been embedded in our society for centuries. The racial disparity in education is one of the most pressing problems in Canada and in the United States. From events seen on the television like the murder of Trayvon Martin in 2012, I knew that growing up Black, I would face adversities (Baldwin III, 2022). The discrimination, the racial and stereotypical views pointed at me, would happen without my control. Unfortunately, I had no say in how people spoke to me or thought of me. I have often wondered if the racist judgements I have confronted were a result of white ignorance or derived from something whites were observing about me.

I find that in a lot of discussions around the Black community, we often hear things like, "We need more Black people with PhDs," or "We need more Black people with degrees." I understand the desire for better representation of Blacks in positions of power within academic institutions. However, what I find hard to accept is how systematically Blacks have been from the academic resources needed to even understand what those degrees require and positions entail. As a result, Black parents, can end up viewing higher education as an unrealistic focus for their children. My mom, an immigrant from Jamaica, did not have the opportunity to explore higher education because it was seen as unnecessary to her father. Although she never had the opportunity to do so, she wanted me and my siblings to fulfil her deferred dreams. Degrees mean different things to different people and are granted to those who obtain the required skills and qualifications.

The absence of racism is still racism

I agree with James Baldwin, the fact that white people have no boundaries is a part of the problem. More precisely, the fact that white people created the nigger because they needed him/her is the problem (Baldwin, 1984). Whites often lack boundaries when it comes to xenophobic comments about Black people, which is a symptom of their learned superiority complex. “Whitesplaining” is a term that was coined to describe white people who offer unsolicited, often condescending, explanations to Black people.

Many whites are socialized to presume that all Black persons are uneducated, ill-tempered, unspoken, and ill-mannered, thus the need to whitesplain. One of the first experiences I encountered while traveling was in a very white-centric environment. A white elderly couple uttered things like: “I have never met anyone like you, you’re so well spoken!” The reality of my life experiences is that I face these stereotypical views quite often. The number of times that I was told I was well-spoken, as if all Black individuals do not speak grammatically correct English are countless. But more than anything they are very exhausting.

Growing up and experiencing the injustices that Black people face has always been a challenge. There have been many instances where I had to deal with the realities of being Black in a white dominated society. I have been followed around stores just because of my skin color, and constantly watched by police officers who think that I am going to cause trouble. The things that have happened to me make me extremely wary about trusting white people, and because of this, the way that white people typically act around me makes my skin crawl. White privilege is like a firm hand on my shoulder, constantly reminding me that I'm not good enough for white people. It is telling me that the whites are perfect, and they deserve the best opportunities, while I only deserve their leftovers. Therefore, so many Blacks feel upset and suspicious when they observe white people doing seemingly "good" things for the less fortunate (aka Blacks). It is not up to white people to decide what is "good" and what is "bad" for us. The ignorance that whites have towards the struggles that Black people face makes me feel like they do not care about us at all, which only intensifies my anger about racial ascription and racial stratification.

Blackness as the Weather

The Black experience of the non-Black is like the weather, it never goes away (Sharpe, 2012). The weather is a metaphor Professor of English Cristina Sharpe uses to describe how Black people incessantly experience the effects of racism and white supremacy. It is not just something we experience at a particular time of day or year, but it is constantly present in our life. This metaphor conveys why anti-black racism and oppression never go away. Sharpe, an Afro pessimist, elucidates how African Americans have always been seen as different because they were enslaved to work on plantations while others experienced freedom (Sharpe, 2012). In this way, blackness became tied with servitude and poverty which still affects countless Black people today.

Unfortunately, living in a Black Caribbean home, I often lacked tools that allowed me to understand my culture in a white-centric environment. My mom came from outside of Canada where she was always surrounded by Black people and my dad although born and raised in Canada experienced similar events as I did. Through childhood, I always felt like my parents misunderstood what I needed to thrive. They never seemed to perceive that the environment I grew up in was white-centric and that it would be difficult for me to prosper in a society where race is still a powerful factor. As a result, I struggled with my identity and social anxiety. My parents never grasped how much it affected me, and they never understood why I was so quiet all the time. Now that I am older, I have begun to embrace and explore my Blackness. I wear Afro-centric hairstyles, which has also facilitated novel cultural discoveries including, allowing me to love the color of my skin but most importantly, to love myself. As a young Black girl, I wished to have white skin. However, my experiences have enabled me to now see the beauty in being Black and the fulfilment that comes with developing my identity. The experiences from my childhood to now have allowed me to facilitate my love for my culture, and most importantly my skin color.

Experiences that lead to social justice

Through my experience of growing up Black, I looked for outlets that allowed me to express the feelings I had bottled inside. I developed my musical talents as a vocalist and songwriter and spent countless hours on social media. I discovered a small non-profit organization called, Black Media Empowerment (BME). I contacted the director because I stood with the values and beliefs the organization portrays. From managing a previous social media account for another non-profit organization, I came to the realization that I could do the same for BME. Together we became an independent Black owned media outlet in Quebec highlighting the plurality of the Black experience. Unfortunately, at the time, we were amid the pandemic; thus, much of our discussion were conducted via zoom. However, having the ability to share experiences as Black Canadians was refreshing. Belonging to a Black sodality through a community of care allowed me to realize that I was not alone and that many Blacks face a similar type of disconnection towards their racial identity and culture.

By probing my disconnection, and the effects of it on my life, I see what needs to change to allow me to reconnect with my culture. Reflexivity is the act of examining the relationship between thought and reality. It is the process of reflecting on one’s thoughts and actions to better understand them (Lyle, 2018). I use this process to critically investigate the ways I have been disconnected from my Black culture and the ways it has affected me as a person.

My preliminary exercise of reflexivity has led me to understand my disconnection from the Black community and the wider experiences of Black Canada. The disconnection and knowledge gap disadvantages me as an educator because it compromises my ability to teach future students about Black Canadian history, culture, and struggles for justice (Derman-Sparks, et al., n.d). The lack of Black representation in the classroom is a large contributor to my grossly incomplete knowledge of Black history, but it is not the only factor. Unfortunately, I was taught by non-Blacks who often assumed that they could not teach Black students about Black studies because they did not know what it is was like to be Black and to have lived through racism, which is not true. Yet this kind of educational neglect is not a rare occurrence across Canadian schools. Authentically inclusive classrooms are important because they allow everyone to feel both safe and a sense of belonging in the learning environment. As a Black educator, I currently lack the necessary tools to provide a holistic and inclusive classroom, as I need to provide equal access for all students. Acquiring competent knowledge of all cultural groups in Canada is essential to being an effective and inclusive teacher.

To ensure my future students are taught about Blackness I need to be aware of the different ways in which Blackness in understood. This includes understanding the history and culture of my people, recognizing the importance of anti-Black racism at interpersonal, micro, and macro levels, and understanding how race intersects with other identities, including the white identity (Derman-Sparks, et al., n.d). As an educator and a Black woman, there are many things that I am constantly thinking about when it comes to my future classroom. One of my main goals is to create a classroom environment that fosters and celebrates Black students. I must be self-reflective and to recognize how my past and present experiences may affect the lives of my future students. I envision my future classroom to be one that is full of love, support, and empowerment. In such an environment, I also anticipate embracing a teaching style and pedagogical strategies that will be reflective of the students and their needs. My classroom will be a place where students learn to have conversations about race relations in society so that they can be encouraged to confront the ideological barriers that divide us and prevent relationships of equity and respect.

Reflexivity to mitigate my biases

There are many ways to employ reflexivity to mitigate my biases as a Black Canadian when engaged in research, but it is important to remember not to overthink the whole process (Jacobson & Mustafa, 2019). Reflexive inquiry is as simple as taking note of my thoughts and feelings during the research process. Keeping a journal or diary can also help with this process by allowing for reflection on my personal thoughts about any topic under research at different points in time. Additionally, I may think about what it means to be a Black Canadian and how it shapes my perspective as a researcher, (Jacobson & Mustafa, 2019) for example, examining how my identity influences the type of questions I ask, what kind of evidence I use and how I interpret the data. Lastly, I can use reflexivity to mitigate my biases in research because it helps me to be aware of the perspectives of people who are different from me, since persons from contrasting social locations might perceive things differently than I.

Conclusion

Despite my absence of knowledge and awareness of Black history and Black legacies during my early life my consciousness of the subject has developed significantly. This paper has allowed me to explore my disconnection from Blackness through the exercise of reflexivity. I addressed interpersonal racism and racism in the curriculum. Through this awareness, it also brought me to moments where I was reckoning with the source of my disconnection and one of those times was summer 2020 when racial violence erupted in the United States, especially when George Floyd and Breonna Taylor were murdered (Olorunnipa & Witte, 2021). Following these events, I had to take a hard look at myself and my past to understand how I became the person that I am today. I did not know why, but it felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. For so long, I had been trying to figure out who I was and where I fit in the world and although there are still moments of uncertainty, I know that there is a place for me here.

Through my journey of reflexivity, I have found that my writing has become a way for me to process my thoughts and feelings (Davidson, 2018). I can use it as a tool to channel my emotions and reconnect with myself. This process has allowed me to learn how to be more mindful of myself and the people around me. I feel that I am now able to express myself in ways that make sense and are not always negative or somber, specifically ways that have freed me from feeling stuck in the obscurity of depression and allowed me to find meaning in life again. I would like to think that I have become more aware about the kind of progression and the diversification of my interests that have led me to embrace my culture. I began reading and creating poetry to deal with my loss of identity. The following poem allowed me to reflect on my own grief, and I was able to find solace in my words. I became a poet as I searched to make sense of the world. I write to create meaning and connections with those around me. Composing “Ask me again, what am I” permitted me to tell my story and share it with others who may have had the same experience (Davidson, 2018). Through poetry, I managed to reconnect with myself. I found my voice, my true self, and my story.