Grief and Grieving

This is a letter to my grief-stricken friend who has just lost her husband to a cancer. I am not mentioning her name for privacy reasons.

My dearest,

I just wanted to send you something in the mail to show that I care and wish I were there to hug you.

I think about you a lot these days as I've recently grieved over someone I loved who left us too early: my dearest uncle-brother who was only two years my senior. Not the same as a husband, I know, but we grew up together and I still cannot believe he is gone. The loss of a loved one is like a gaping bleeding wound, a hole in your heart that will never heal or go away. It's also love that has no way of being expressed, the longing to share the life moments that has no destination as the person it is meant for has departed.

People say time heals but I know it won't completely, you will always have that hole in your heart. You of course have to live your life, for your kids and for yourself, and find a way to do it meaningfully. It probably seems impossible now, but one day you will find joy again. Many times, grief will wash over you, triggered by a smell, a song, a sweet memory, or "What if he was still here, what would be his reaction?" question, and it often will happen when you least expect it. It will just hit you hard out of nowhere. In moments like that, let yourself cry over those good memories and unexpressed love as much as you need to work through that sadness and heartache.

Some time ago, I listened to a podcast with a psychologist from Australia who lost her young daughter in a car accident. She had a lot of interesting insights about grief that helped me to cope with my loss. One of the things she said that when people tell you that over time you will get better and heal, don't believe them. That gaping hole in your heart will never go away, just because the person is not there. Even though you will forget his voice and his face will become a blurred image you will have to refresh by looking at his pictures, the wound will stay there. It's always hard on those who are left behind, especially because you will have daily reminders of him in your kids. And of course his paintings. You are luckier than most in that respect as your husband left behind the legacy of his talent and creativity.

What that psychologist said and I found helpful was that over time, the wound will start healing around the edges. It will be smoothed over with new life experiences and new memories you will build with your kids and kids of their kids. That gaping hole will become less rough around the edges and shallower. Grief will turn into quiet sadness and blissful memories of happy times together. I know it's hard to believe now but that time will come.

I'm sending you all my love. Please stay strong for your kids. I wish I just could sit next to you in silence and be there for you.

Hugs,

L.

P.S. My friend Cindy's painting here also helped me work through grief. It is such an interesting piece of art, where a small human is either facing a big mountain or coming out of a dark cave. In any case, what seems to be huge and overwhelming and never-ending will become more manageable over time. I promise. Much love to you, my dear friend.