Greetings Subscriber

Dear subscriber #1,

Thank you so much for choosing to subscribe to me. Even though I am not sure what exactly that means for either you the subscriber or me the subscribee I am sure great benefits will be upon us both. For myself, it is a major ego boost. I was beginning to think my writing was mostly just a waste of time. I was not gaining much interest or traction on Vocal despite publishing close to 100 articles in only 2 months here. This after I had published nearly 2500 in 5 years on my Medium blog until my most recent suspension. That first account suspension lasted a year so that 2500 number was actually just 4 years worth of writing. And yes, you read that correctly, I did say, "first suspension" and "most recent suspension". So two suspensions in five years, that has to be some sort of record, right? In any event that (plus $99) is what brought me here to the warm embrace of the fine folks at Vocal.media where in two months I have yet to accrue a single account suspension or permanent banning. In my defense I have had ten articles rejected for publication and one that was published for two days before being pulled by the editors for reasons unknown. I also currently have two articles that have been sitting "in review" for over a month. Clearly I am a fan favorite with the reviewing staff here. As you can see from my stats, I am most definitely not a fan favorite in a general sense. This continues my proud tradition of not being very popular as a writer, which builds upon my even prouder tradition of not being a very popular person.

But you sir or madam have decided to buck that seemingly inviolable trend and have become my very first subscriber ever! Congratulations! I can only imagine how happy you must be each month when my newsletter arrives at your doorstep and you tear it open with ravenous glee just waiting to see what hilarious and insightful writings I have prepared for you this month. Is what I would say if I had a newsletter or people still sent things by regular mail. Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately I do not, and they do not, except of course for bills. Those sons a bitches just keep coming, piling up in my mailbox like some sort of pile of something or other. That last sentence is a fine example of my knack for analogies, wordplay, and imagery, which are no doubt only three of the reasons you have chosen to subscribe to me.

I can't help but wondering what sort of person you might be. Be you man or woman? cat or dog? human or half human hybrid? ferret-boy? or wolf-girl? Surely I cannot say, but I can say without doubt or hesitation that you have excellent taste in writing. Of course I would say that, the huge majority of persons who are not reading my stuff would beg to differ of course. They would likely say I suck at writing, and that I am stupid. Probably, both are right. Or maybe neither are? Who can say in this topsy turvy world in which we live today with AI's on every street corner and machines learning left and right? I surely can't, or can I? I guess I can. I also can say surely way too much. In the end it is likely both are right. And so to are you dear subscriber, my first ever, so right, and yet so wrong at the same time.

In conclusion, by subscribing to me I now feel totally validated and am certain the thousands of hours I have spent toiling over stories about argan oil and/or the simulation hypothesis were well worth the effort. Now there is no way that on my deathbed I will look back and regret wasting all that time writing when I could have spent it enjoying nature or spending time with friends and family.

Thank you,

Everyday Junglist

p.s. Seriously, thank you whoever you are. You made my day. (-: