Green

I sat there, waiting, because I was forced to. Forced by the rules of society, and just plain common decency. I didn’t mind, anyway, as it allowed me to think. The music played in the background of my thoughts.

“Happiness together honey, there’s just no way

Our love has seen much better days

It’s over now, yes its gone

No ones at fault ‘cause no ones wrong.” - Circle jerks

The lyrics were ironic, as I could only think of one thing and that was the love that was just blossoming and was the best days and happy, and I was sure that it went both ways. She was something that I never thought could exist in my life. She wasn’t perfect, and I loved that most about her. Who was I to say anyway, I was far from it, but I was perfectly determined to love and respect her in every way she deserved and more.

She was beautiful, and kissed by the sun a million times as evidenced by her countless freckles. Her eyes green, but I was never completely sure because they seemed to change every time I looked at them. She rarely wore makeup, and she didn’t need to her natural beauty was only, in my opinion, outmatched by what was inside.

I was forever, and constantly amazed by her strength.

We were married, and even had managed to create two new amazing lives. That was enough for me to be in awe of this woman, her power and tenacity to survive and thrive through the incredibly hard and testing thing that creating a life inside of you is. Seeing that cemented an undying and relentless respect for her, and every other mother for that matter, and their ability to overcome those trials that I am will to bet no man out there wouldn’t be completely traumatized by.

Strength.

Then she got sick. It was a small thing, and slow at first. Creeped up on us like the shadows on a late summer afternoon. Then it became dark very quickly, too quickly, or maybe not as it didn’t allow us to ponder on it for too long, and we focused on her getting better.

Fucking cancer.

Fuck cancer.

Everyone knows that. Fuck cancer. The only problem is that cancer doesn’t know it. Or it doesn’t care, but it definitely doesn’t matter. Cancer wont go fuck itself, so we have to make it. We gave it our best, and by we I mean her, and I was there only as supporting role, to do whatever was needed. Her fortitude was incredible, and her resolve was awe inspiring. Nothing in my life is too hard after seeing how she handled what surely would have destroyed me. I only wish everyone could experience something like this without the fear of the unknown or death or whatever.

She was the love of my life and she deserved so much more than that, and I tried to give that to her, and she always said it was more than enough, but it wasn’t for me. Selfishly I needed to show her how much she was loved and needed by me, and by those her life had touched. It was hard for her to see at times, and I saw in her soulful eyes that she wanted to let go at times, but she never did.

The cancer had taken hold. The cancer was fighting hard. The cancer was a fucking coward and couldn’t face the overwhelming power that is in her, that is her, that is women. That cancer ran like a mangy coyote with its tail tucked firmly between its legs.

She came out of those dark woods like a bright light, ever brighter for it perhaps. To this day, she still sometimes says she wished it had ended back then, but I know its not true because I see, in those alluring green eyes, the truth of it.

I always think of those eyes. I think of the colour of them, against the colour of the pale green gowns I saw her in at her most vulnerable. I feel the green envy of her capacity to overcome in a way that I’m sure I couldn’t. I see the green of the trees outside the hospital rooms windows and the ones outside our window now.

I see her freckled legs coming out of the pretty green dress she is wearing sitting in the passenger seat of my car as I somehow have the blessing of spending more time with her than I had ever could have hoped for.

We smiled and talked and laughed as we waited for the traffic light to turn green.