Goblet of Fire or Solo Cup

I had found this meme a few years ago and saved it to my pictures. Little did I know, that it is a measurement tool for me to evaluate my healing. Perspective and understanding is important when it comes to evaluating this meme in regards to relationships.

People come and go in one's life. There is no question to that fact. Everyone has made a choice to hold on to a person or let them go. Relationships in general are difficult but until you come to a full understanding of the dynamics, one should not make a rash decision to stay or to go.

People are damaged beings doing the best they can in this world. Not everyone has the same life history as another. Parents, siblings, society has an impact on the formation of the individual you are looking at as a possible partner. Some people choose to remain damaged and some choose to heal. I was one of the damaged beings walking this world. At the point of my crash, I was whirling in chaos and mayhem. I was not managing life well at all.

I was so damaged that I needed to face the fact that I was a codependent where my happiness was based on others. This fact made it hard for me to determine what healthy relationships should be like so I would try on new people to see how happy they could make me. If they made me feel important, than I was important. No human being in this world can make you feel important all the time. No one can meet your needs all the time.

After evaluating three marriages, I could see that my perspective was ascrewd. My understanding had to be questioned and my self-development needed to occur. Being a codependent, I had to choose to break the cycle and heal. If I had done this work properly during rehab years, I would have saved myself from a lot of hard relationships.

In tarot, the readers look at the cups on the cards as emotional energy. If the cups are empty, there is nothing to give. Some cards have one cup. Some cards have many. Everyone has all 10 cups that they can fill with joy and happiness of their choosing. However, a damaged person may only be able to pay attention to one cup. That person in a relationship will obsess over the health of that one cup while leaving the other 9 cups empty and sitting dirty in the sink. My point is, one person can not meet all your needs. One cup for your partner and the rest are divided up among other people, life and responsibilities. Let me show you how mine are divided up as an example.

Cup 1: My Self- I owe myself a happy life on my own terms in my own time. I read for a living so reading for pleasure is a treasured moment for me. A hot cup of tea, blanket and a good book is divine. I am fine alone but if my partner or another individual is sharing the same space as I while doing their own thing, then it makes that moment even more special. They add to my happiness. Nothing like partaking in a moment of appreciating another from a distance. Emotional intimacy touches a soul deeper than a physical touch and that is the happiness that fills my cup. I had to make a pact with myself that I would advocate for my needs and have self-efficacy to meet those needs. If I did not make this pact, I would expect others to take responsibility for meeting my needs instead of meeting them myself.

Cup 2: My Partner- is an individual with their own needs and needs to perform their own self-care. They really need to put themselves first and do things on their own too. I am not saying, "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas behavior" type of living should be happening but they may need time to fish, gaming, reading or whatever else they desire. When I needed them at that moment, I would admire and learn from afar. You can really find out a lot about what types of things make then happy by just watching them. When I could, I would share their space. When needed, I would ask for a moment when they were done. If they respect you, they will not hold you off for too long. They have responsibilities too. They have kids and families that want their attention as well. Shared space and shared time might make getting back to you more difficult some days. Keep saying, "this delay is not about me" and patiently wait or apologize for making them wait.

Cup 3: My First Born- As a child, my first born was a challenge. He was diagnosed with ADD and had the hyperactivity attribute to go with it. His care took a lot of my time away from his sibling, my spouse and responsibilities. Usually, the caregiver is being depleted by the level of care needed that they have to take from another area. I was not willing to give up time for his sister so I usually left housework undone. As an Adult: impulsiveness is evident, focus is still a challenge but he lives with his lady so the level of his emotional cup doesn't deplete me at the rate as it use to. A small jester like sending him a text wishing him a good morning would fill his momma cup. Somedays, we hang together and have fun.

Cup 4: My Second Born - I can say she was my daredevil. Thank goodness most of her daredevil ways were not everyday occurrences. Mind you, she did keep me on my toes as she moved through her daily life. I swear she was using negative attention to get my attention. This usually does happen when there is a medical issue in another sibling. Any attention is a good thing. As an Adult: The tables have turned. The attention she and my grandson need weigh heavier than her brother's cup. Balancing time with her is difficult because her cups are different than mine. I feel bad when I want time with her, just her, and I end up giving the grandson the attention instead. I know, in the end, she will look at "our time" as "all of our time" together. The focus will be on family.

Cup 5: My Work/schooling - At this time, work does not require a lot of maintenance on this cup. I clean paper, read it, and enter it on the computer. The content of what I read fills this cup easily. I love learning. Always have and always will so being an archivist really fits. Perhaps, I should go back to college and get a degree in museum studies. Right now, I do not have a cup available to go back to school. When I was a teacher or a manager, this cup weighed more than all my cups. Very laborsome.

Cup 6: My Friends - I have the most loyal friends ever. If one is silent for too long we are on the phone finding out why. We fill each other's cups by sending messages over the internet. We go long stretches of time before we see each other in person. My partner or my children know, if one of them calls, everything stops and I take their call. I will get back to them when the call is finished. However, last year we had our first fight, we have a little heavier cup right now but we will never break the ties that bind and that cup will become lighter again.

Cup 7: Guardian Responsibilities- I have been my brother's guardian for over 32 years. When I had him living with me, his cup was rather large because of the care he needed. When I could no longer carry his cup, I surrendered him to live where many people could carry his cup. Now, a visit with him on holidays, special events, or traveling is the only time his cup weighs more. Right now, a Sunday morning call fills his cup a little more.

Cup 8: Fiscal Responsibilities- Car, house, student loan, daily living expenses has been stable and thankfully easy to manage.

Cup 9: Social Responsibilities- My book club meets once every two months. Very light.

Cup 10: Pets- Cats, dogs, turtles and birds - I have found that this cup annoys me. I can't scowl at them and they stop bugging me. They are the rude interrupting cup that I agreed to keep, feed, and clean up after.

One day I watched my daughter haul a tray full of drinks across the Casino floor. Some drinks were heavier than others so she carefully loaded the tray into manageable weight distribution and hoisted it up and shifted the tray off center to keep it all balanced. All cups weighed differently and yet, she found balance and successfully delivered the drinks. In watching her I learned to find balance for your cups and be willing to shift if the weight of the cups change.

Partnerships have to shift due to the weight of the cups on each other's tray. Are you helping each other carry the weight of the cups? Or are one of you carrying the weight?

As I look at the meme, I think, I am a cup on his tray? If so, am I a red solo cup intended on being thrown out or am I the Goblet of Fire prized by many. Am I heavy or light? Does he make an effort to pick you up onto the tray frequently or wait until you're dusty and need cleaning?

Communication is the key. Do they only have down time? Sometimes those cups shift off balance and crash to the floor and they are cleaning a mess. Are you the break they need to find balance? Find out what is happening with their cups. If they are doing the best they can, understand and take a look at life from their prospective. If they come to see you in their spare time are they really invested in you, or are they showing up to bate you back into thinking about them. Sometimes, in my opinion, are for friends or acquaintances. A potential partner needs to be invested in a long term relationship.